Chapter 1
New York
“Are you going to Pakistan?” she questioned.
“Yes! I am” he replied calmly.
“So-”
She tried to say something but knowing what’s coming next, he interrupted “No! I'm going alone. It’s a business trip”.
“But you said you’ll take me next time” she insisted wanting to go with him.
“I never said that. I said I’ll take you on the right time” he corrected. It has always been like this. Every visit to Pakistan for the last 8 years.
“Okay! So, when will that right time come?” she questioned, with a tired voice, slipping on the couch beside her.
“You just came from college, you need rest. Miss Katherine will serve you lunch” he said totally ignoring her plea to take her.
“But my vacations have started. I can go-”
“No means No!”
“Why is it always like that Baba? Why can’t I go there?” she questioned, standing up from the couch, arms crossed on her chest, frustration visible in her tone. Why couldn't she go there?
“I will take you one day; I’m not denying but on the right time-” here it goes... another hollow promise.
“When? When will you take me??? Give an exact date!” she demanded, her tone increasing making everyone in the house come out of their respective rooms.
He chose to keep quiet. “Now why aren’t you answering? It’s clear you don’t ever want to take me there!” she blabbered.
”It’s not like-” he tried to say but-
“No! It’s always same. You always ignore me and this conversation. You don’t give me a reason. You don’t!!” she screamed, her chest rose up and down. Her breath became heavy.
He looked away, his jaw clenched.
“The truth is you never want me to see her for once, you never want me to meet my relatives, you never want me to see her town, and you never want me to go to Pakistan ever!” tears fell from her eyes saying the last words.
He sighed. “Nawal, it’s not that simple. There are things you don’t understand. This trip is for business; it’s not any vacation” he said, avoiding her gaze.
“That’s what you say every time. You say it’s too dangerous, too complicated or I wouldn’t understand. But d..don’t you understand I want to go there so badly. D..Doesn’t that mean anything to you, Baba?” she said, her voice breaking. She couldn't help it.
“Of course it does, Nawal. It’s just.... you are not understanding the situation. There’s so much going on. Maybe when things are better” he said, gently but firmly. If it was in his hands, he would have take her there by himself long ago. But his past and fears held him back. His heart never allowed to take her back there.
“You always say that, Baba. It’s not the right time. Do you even want me to know them? Or... to know more about her?” she whispered, hurt visible in her tone and eyes.
He paused struggling for words. “I’m trying to protect you. You have a life here, a safe, stable life-” he said politely.
“A safe, stable... and empty”
Her eyes betrayed her. She wanted to hold eye contact but the shift in his eyes did something. She has seen this look in her father's eyes; every time this conversation was raised.
A slight shift in his eyes. Something too tiring, too vulnerable.
“I feel empty without knowing the people who knew her. I feel like a stranger to her memory, Baba. D..doesn’t that bother you?” she said with anger, tears threatening to fall. Her ears turned red in rage.
“Nawal, enough! This conversation is over. I’m going alone and that’s final” he said looking at her in the eye. She was his sweetheart but she was stubborn in this matter.
“Fine! Go without me like you always do” and those tears made their way to her cheeks.
She turned around only meet with Rayan’s soft gaze. His arms crossed around his chest. He was leaning slightly with the railing. His hairs were messy, he just woke up most probably because of her.
He was here, all the time?
But she ignored his presence and started to climb stairs . She stormed off to her room, tears streaming down her face, feeling the weight of yet another refusal.
She slammed the door behind her, making sure it was loud enough to reach down stairs. Rayan closed his eyes at the loud voice. Mr. Shahid sighed. Miss Katherine lowered her head.
That is how it ended. Always.
“Were you waiting for her to come and then go?” Rayan asked his father. His voice was unsual, heavier than before. A cold? Maybe.
“Hmm.” he hummed in response.
“Why, baba?”
“She would’ve been disappointed at me if someone else have told her about me going to Pakistan” he said rubbing his forehead. It always made him restless.
“Oh! She definitely would’ve.” Rayan replied.
“Okay! Miss Katherine make sure she eats something and Take care, I’m leaving. Allah Hafiz” Mr. Shahid said to Miss Katherine who was standing near the kitchen watching and listening to everything.
“I’ll Sir. Allah Hafiz” she said bowing her head a little in respect.
“I’ll walk you outside, Baba” Rayan said, gesturing his father to start walking as he put his hand on the suitcase dragging it with himself.
As they came outside, cars were ready and Mr.Shahid’s P.A. was standing beside the car waiting for him. “Take care of yourself, Baba” Rayan said hugging him.
“I’ll! You too take care of yourself. Have medicine or this cold will be severe by night. And... Nawal.... she must be crying in her room. Umm- Shehriyar will also be back; tonight or tomorrow. He’ll handle her” he said kissing Rayan’s forehead.
“Okay..Allah hafiz” Rayan said waving him a bye.
“Fee-Aman-Allah” he whispered, watching the cars leave the gate.
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Rayan was standing outside her room; low muffled sobs were coming from her room. Miss Katherine waited beside him. She was nervous for some reason, he couldn't tell what. Her hands clasped together, fidgeting with each other.
“Nawal? It’s me...open the door” he said, knocking softly.
No response.
“Nawal....Open the door” he said again. “Open it... talk to me”
“Go away! I don’t want to talk to anyone.” she snapped, her voice muffled. He closed his eyes at her scream. She was really mad.
“I’m coming in whether you like it or not” he declared firmly. Miss Katherine stepped forward too, but Rayan held her wrist, holding her back. 'I'll take care' he mouthed.
He opened the door; waiting another minute.
There she was curled up on her bed, hugging a pillow tightly, muffling her quiet sobs. He sighed and sat down on the edge of her bed.
“Hey! Look, I know you’re upset, I would be too... but crying like this won’t help” he said gently stroking her head.
“What do you know? You’re not the one who’s always left behind!” she exclaimed pushing his hand slightly away.
“Don’t cry! It hurts here...” he said pointing at the left side of his chest. “You know how Baba is... There’s definitely something that’s why he doesn’t take you there” he said trying to make her understand.
“It’s not fair. He never listens to me. I just want to see... Mama’s grave. I miss her too much. Am I asking too much?” she said turning slightly to face him, her nose red, eyes puffy.
Something inside him shifted. He always tried his best to not make her cry. But this was something where he couldn't help.
“No, you’re not... but Baba he’s scared, he doesn’t say but he knows something we don’t. That’s why he is so strict about this” he said stroking her hair gently. Nawal’s eyes softened a little. “He is just worried about yo-” he said calmly.
“No! He is not worried. He just doesn’t want me to go there or to see her. He doesn’t understand how much I miss- ....he just doesn’t care about what I feel” she sniffed. Her eyes moved towards his.
“He does understand, Nawal. He just doesn’t show it the way you want him to” he said trying to stay patient.
“Oh, really? Is that why he has gone without me again?” she said sarcasm visible in her tone. “Maybe he doesn’t want me to see her grave. Maybe he just wants me to forget her-”
“Nawal, stop! You know that’s not true. Baba loves you more than anything, and so did Mama.” he said hurt but firm.
“No, he doesn’t love me-” she snapped crossing her arms over her chest sitting on the bed, tears streaming down her face.
“Fine. Be mad at him. Scream, cry, do whatever you want. But don’t push everyone else away, Nawal. You’re not alone in this, even if it feels like it” he said taking a deep breath, kneeling in front of her.
“I don’t want to talk to you either” she said sniffling, refusing to look at him.
“Too bad, because I’m not leaving. You can throw as many tantrums as you want, but I’m staying right here until you feel better” he said smiling lightly, sitting on the study chair placed in her room while manly crossing his legs.
“You’re so annoying” she grumbled.
“And you’re impossible. But I’m your brother. It’s my job” he grinned.
She huffed and laid on the bed turning her back and continued to cry slightly. He stayed by her side, quietly assuring her with his presence.
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.
Nawal was still in her room not opening the door even if Miss Sakina had tried several times in between, while Rayan went back to his room after she slept in noon.
The door knocked slightly.
“Go away Aunt! I don’t want to talk” she snapped.
The door knocked again.
“Rayan! I’m not opening. Leave me alone!” she exclaimed throwing something in her room making it break into pieces. The knocked again; this time loudly like the person on the other side was impatient for the door to open quickly.
She kept quiet her mind hinting who it might be on the other side.
“Shehriyar bhai...?”
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Lots of love :)
-Fatima
(Instagram: @whispersof_fatima)
