New Waxing Moon

The days had grown darker, cloudier, as autumn pressed its claim on the world. I stood by the window, staring out at the rain forming deep puddles on the ground. It was as though the Earth mourned alongside me, shedding the tears I could not.

Dread coiled in my chest. There was no turning back now. Today, I would make the hardest decision of my existence.

I had declined Bella’s offer to stay with her that night, yet her window remained open—a silent plea, a faint hope that I might change my mind. I saw her peek out occasionally, searching for a glimpse of me. Eventually, she gave up, leaving the window open but untouched.

She still thought it was her fault—her restlessness, her guilt. But the blame was mine, entirely mine. She had wanted something simple, something human, and instead, I had dragged her into my world, into dangers she could never have anticipated.

“My poor Bella,” I murmured, my voice cracking under the weight of my sorrow. “Forgive me for what I’m about to do. Please. I hope, deep inside, you can.”

I imagined how it would unfold: the words I’d have to say, the lies I’d have to weave. I would break her spirit, shatter her heart into pieces. And she wouldn’t believe me right away. It would take hours, cruel hours, before she yielded. That was the part that hurt the most—that I would have to cause her such anguish to make her let go.

Tears threatened to fall, but none came, I was unable to release my sorrow.

My sobs were silent, my grief buried deep as I sank to the floor, knees pulled to my chest.

“I’m doing this to save you,” I whispered, though the words offered no comfort. “To protect you from me.”

I thought of that night, the inferno in my throat as her scent had burned through me. The monster within me had clawed to the surface, so close to breaking free. I could have hurt her. I could have—

A strangled cry escaped my lips, and I pressed my face against my knees. Why hadn’t I stayed away? If I’d remained in Denali, I would never have fallen in love. I wouldn’t be here now, on the brink of losing everything.

Her pain wouldn’t last forever. She would heal. Time would smooth the edges of her heartbreak. But for me? There would be no solace. No escape. This agony would stretch on indefinitely, a wound that would never close.

When I leave, I hope she’ll understand. Perhaps some part of her will recognize this as a lie, just as she had with the Arizona ruse. Maybe her subconscious will whisper the truth—that my love for her could never fade.

But even if she doesn’t, it doesn’t matter. Her safety, her future—those are what matter. I can’t be with her when my presence puts her in such danger.

I moved from the window when I heard footsteps outside my door. Carlisle’s measured pace moved toward the living room. I followed him, hoping for some semblance of support, though I wasn’t ready to confide my torment.

Carlisle was pacing, his hands clasped behind his back. His usually calm expression was strained, his worry etched into every movement. He glanced at me as I entered.

“Father,” I said quietly.

He stopped and faced me fully, his tension softening slightly. “Edward.”

I hesitated, then spoke. “I know this is hard. But we’ll adjust to our new home. We’ll adapt, as we always have.” My voice faltered. “When Bella… passes, you can come back.”

I couldn’t bring myself to say “we.” There would be no “we”.

When Bella is no longer on this Earth I’ll make a plan to end my own pain but I won’t think about it in details incase Alice gets a vision from it.

Carlisle’s face wrinkled and he shook his head. “It’s not just that, Edward. I’m not ready to leave tomorrow.”

“I have patients,” Carlisle said.

“You’ll have plenty of patients in New York. Humans get sick everywhere in the world,” I said.

“It’s not about making money, Edward. I couldn’t care less about that,” Carlisle replied. “It’s about my duty. I’m needed here.” He spoke carefully. “But I’ll join you as soon as I can.”

“You promised you would follow my lead,” I said, disappointed.

“I did.”

“Then why are you backing out?” I snapped. “We can’t stay here, Carlisle.”

“If you want me to stay away from Bella, I’ll change locations. I won’t say a word to her. But I can’t leave my patients like this,” Carlisle said.

I grew furious. “Your presence alone will ruin everything. She’ll ask you questions, cling to the idea that I might come back if you’re staying. A clean break is what she needs,” I said.

“She needs you, Edward. There’s no need to leave. We can drop this right now and make sure Jasper and Bella won’t be in the same room again,” Carlisle argued.

“And what will happen next? Or when we decide to get married? Are you going to exclude him from the wedding? If Bella and I move in together, should I just keep the doors shut for him?” I said, becoming irate.

“Edward, there’s no need for that. I told Bella I would change her after graduation since it’s safer that way,” Carlisle said. “You can be together without a problem.”

“You told her that? Behind my back?” My golden eyes burned with rage.

“I... I thought she told you everything,” Carlisle said, stepping back nervously. He hadn’t meant to get Bella in trouble.

“No! I won’t let her become a vampire. I’ve told you many times why I’m against this,” I said.

“There were so many moments I wished I was human. To give her more than I can give right now. She wouldn’t have to say goodbye to her family, her friends. They could all be part of her life.” I said.

“But that’s her choice. She’s willing to make that sacrifice,” Carlisle reasoned.

“No, she doesn’t understand. As soon as she tastes loneliness, struggles with the thirst, she’ll wish she could go back. She’ll want her family close without tearing them apart,” I said, his voice breaking. “I don’t want her to end up like this. I know what it’s like to sign up for this without knowing what it’s really like.”

“Maybe you need more time to think,” Carlisle suggested.

“You don’t know what’s right for her, so stop it!” I said, hostile.

“Neither do you, apparently. Let her choose for herself,” Carlisle urged. “Do you really think deserting her will solve anything? Do you know how hard it is to leave Forks for all of us?”

“This is not what she wants!” I raised my voice. “Bella is looking through rose-tinted glasses. She sees only the good in being a vampire—living forever. If she weren’t in love with me, if she knew what it truly meant to change, she’d rather stay human than become a blood-sucking, soulless monster. She’s making stupid decisions because of me!”

Carlisle paused before asking, “Would you look for a vampire mate? There are plenty of women in Denali who are like us.”

I gave an aggravated shrug as the images of Tanya and Siobhan came to mind. They were indeed attractive, but that wasn’t enough.

“I’ll be alone. It’s the price I have to pay for your actions,” I said bitterly.

“What do you mean?” Carlisle asked.

“You turned me into this vile creature,” I said. “I suffer every day, suppressing the monster within while you’ve had centuries to control your thirst. You have Esme. I have nobody. I can’t have anyone because I’m not attracted to vampires. I’ll never find a woman better than Bella.”

“Would you have rather died from the Spanish flu?” Carlisle asked, wondering if Edward would have refused to be turned if he could’ve chosen.

I didn’t answer immediately. Carlisle had saved him from death, but now, without Bella, he felt as good as dead.

“Maybe I should have,” I finally said, ungrateful. “I should’ve died. And so should you, Carlisle. You didn’t save me or anyone. You just made everything worse.”

Carlisle, deeply hurt by Edward’s words, struggled to contain his emotions. “Well, maybe it’s not vampires she needs protection from, Edward. Maybe it’s just you.”

My expression hardened. “I guess you’re right. Goodbye, Carlisle.”

I would have disowned Carlisle just as he had 70 years ago and stormed out. Carlisle watched me leave, regret heavy in his eyes.

“Edward,” Carlisle choked out, reaching for him. But I didn’t look back.

I distanced myself from Carlisle, avoiding him for hours. The silence between us was heavy, but I wasn’t ready to face him—not after the way I’d spoken to him. He’d tried to reason with me, and I’d lashed out. Deep down, I regretted every word.

In my room, I counted the tiny particles floating in the sunlight streaming through the window. It was a small distraction from the ache in my chest.

“Edward,” Carlisle said softly from the doorway. His voice was careful, like he was testing the waters. I flinched at the sound but didn’t turn to face him, keeping my focus on the light outside.

“Edward, can you please face me?” he asked again. I didn’t move. How could I? The shame of my earlier outburst weighed on me too heavily to look him in the eye.

“I’m sorry,” Carlisle said, breaking the silence. “Can you at least say something? Just... tell me to leave, or yell that you hate me. But please, don’t stay silent like this.”

“I’m just... mentally preparing for our departure,” I finally muttered, my voice low. I didn’t look at him.

I heard him approach, and before I could move, I felt his hand on my shoulder. The gesture made me fold in on myself, burying my face against my knees. Carlisle knelt beside me, his touch steady and reassuring.

“I shouldn’t have said what I did,” he admitted, his voice thick with regret. “I hope you can forgive me.”

I lifted my head just enough to meet his eyes. “You need to forgive me first,” I said, my voice strained. “I crossed the line, Carlisle.”

“It’s okay, Edward. I still love you, no matter what,” he said gently.

I offered a faint smile. Carlisle’s love had always been unwavering, even when I didn’t deserve it. But in moments like these, I felt like I took him for granted.

Shaking off the lingering tension, I forced myself to refocus. “It’s time to visit Bella,” I said, standing abruptly. I couldn’t stall any longer.

Carlisle didn’t look convinced. “This doesn’t feel right, Edward,” he said, leaning against the wall. “Can’t we try something else?”

“What is there left to try?” I countered. “She’s not going to let this go. I’ve tried everything—reasoning with her, pushing her to leave Forks. Nothing works.”

“You don’t have to break her,” Carlisle insisted.

“But it’s the only way to make her move on,” I said. “If I don’t, she’ll wait for me. She’ll hope, and I can’t let that happen. She has to believe I’m not coming back—for her sake.”

Carlisle didn’t argue further, but his disapproval hung in the air. I turned away from him, shoulders heavy with resignation.

“I’m going,” I said firmly before leaving the room.

Driving to Bella’s house, I replayed the words I planned to say in my head, over and over. Each time, they sounded colder, harsher—necessary lies meant to set her free. My heart ached with every mile, knowing I was about to destroy the most precious thing in my life.

As I stood waiting outside her house, the sun dipped lower in the sky. Bella arrived, her truck wheezing as it came to a stop. She stepped out quietly, not meeting my gaze.

Her expression already betrayed her understanding of what was to come. I inhaled deeply, steeling myself.

“Come for a walk with me,” I said, my voice devoid of emotion.

She followed silently, her acceptance cutting deeper than any protest ever could.