Here
I’m in my bed right now, I should be asleep but I’m not in the sleeping mood. There are so many things that plague my thoughts. Lonliness, shame, regret, fear for the future, and hatred for the situations that I can’t control in the way I want.
So I started this a few days ago. Or was it yesterday? I don’t remember. I’m being tasked with writing because apparently my boyfriend loves it. I guess I’ll just go on a rant for now. He did say I could write anything.
There are times where I feel like I love him too much. We’ve been through a lot and we still go through a lot daily. It’s mostly just him going through things and then just me feeling like a helpless girlfriend who can do nothing to help him. It makes me wonder what he even sees in me; If he even sees anything at all. He’s got all these great things that make him desireable. He’s handsome, funny, talented, rich, lovely to be around, and a very caring person. And for me I guess I’m funny and there are times where I do have talent but other than that and some comfort I feel like I really don’t have much to offer. What do you do when someone is your world and you feel like you will never be enough to even be important to them.
I feel like more of a burden if anything. I can be needy selfish, annoying, clingy, snippy and boring. I definitely don’t find anything physically attractive about myself. When someone tells you that they do love you and that you are special and that you do matter, shouldn’t it be enough? The thing is I just don’t see these things he says. I love the compliments and I love the endearing language but most of the time I can’t find myself believing it to be true. I guess that comes from trauma I guess?
When 9/10 times the one that is doing all the chasing is you, it becomes hard to view yourself in a positive light. You ask yourself what you’re doing wrong and you ask why everyone else can be loved so easily. When you’re so big on love and romance and understanding emotions, this can take a big toll on who you are as a person. Speaking from experience here of course. I give so much but I honestly feel like it’s nothing at all. I love my boyfriend intensly, but I feel as if nothing I say or do can ever give him the slightest bit of solace. I want to be the one he comes to when he’s feeling down, the one who cheers him up after a bad day, the one who puts the smile back on his face. I feel like I honestly have nothing to offer and I feel like it’s uneven between us because he has so many good qualities and I’m just me.
New ranting topic, desires for the future
I hope one day I’m able to live for myself and live in stability. I hope my boyfriend is a part of this of course. There may be a few children along the way. I don’t dislike children, I just feel like I’ve had so much time around them and I am ready to live for myself. But do I really know what way my future will take me? No. But I honestly do hope it keeps all of my family together. I would like to be happier with not only my family, but myself as well. I feel like a burden to everyone when I complain about hating myself to my boyfriend. And I know it can annoy him too. I haven’t been through much compared to him.
New ranting topic, time
Time seems to move so fast at the worst times. Although I know thats how it’s supposed to go, that doesn’t mean I don’t get to hate it. I want more time for things. I want more good in my life and I want more good in my family’s life and I just want to be able to live peacefully and happily in my skin until the day I no longer can survive on this earth.
New ranting topic, fear
Okay so I’m terrified of death. I don’t know what happens after and I’m scared to know but I’m also scared of never knowing until it happens. I’m scared of the unknown okay? I’m a big scaredy cat. I have dreams of the world ending. There are dreams where the sky is breaking and I’m alonw in a room with a window and I cover my ears and close my eyes so I don’t have to see the end. Speaking of the end. I almost died in a car crash??? Crazy right??? There are so many times where I thought that would happen or where I had a delusional fear of highway bridges. Now I’m even more scared of cars. It’s pathetic. Now I daydream about dying, I see myself dying in random situations and imagine the events as they happen. I may need a therapist but in all honesty I don’t think I do. I don’t want to die at all. I just want the bad to be all gone. Maybe the only reason I’m still alive is because I’m scared of death. I feel like that makes me pussy or something. Many people die but I just don’t want it to be me. At all or ever. One day the world will end. When that happens I wonder what will happen to our species. Will we cease to exist or will we be moved to a didn’t universe in the mUlTiVeRsE oF mAdNeSs?? Hes that was a reference to marvel…sue me. Anyways, I hope that if I get reincarnated I can at least know where to find those I care about. I don’t think I’ll ever want to be without them in any life or experience.
Ending? Time is up
Time is coming to a close my deadline is 2 minutes away. In all honesty I feel like he isn’t going to like it because there isn’t a story here. I just decided to write this instead of coming up with a story that would have taken way longer than this has. I’ll be writing again eventually. If I ever get the motivation I guess.
Famous quote I really really love:
“Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.”- by I don’t fucking remember
