Book 1: For the Moment
Hello.
I’m Satan. A very evil dude who’ll tear you apart and feed you to whoever’d gobble you up if I feel like it.
Fear me!!!
Anyhoo, one day I had left Hell to go commit some delicious villainy when suddenly I heard this annoying voice say, “It’s THE miscreant! Muahahahahaha!!!” and I turned around to give the idiot a piece of my mind only to be greeted by a bunch of doughnuts hitting me!
I began nibbling on one, and said, “This tastes fine and all, but you’re gonna regret this you turd!!!”
My “attacker” just continued laughing and hurling doughnuts at me, and I suddenly realized that I couldn’t move anymore!”
“This is inconvenient…” I muttered, as the doughnuts continued covering me until I was fully encased in them, and then I said, “You’re still gonna regret this you imbecile!”
“Muahahahahahaha!” my opponent laughed villainously, “It’s you who’re gonna regret being such a miscreant, oh evil monarch Satan! Muahahahahaha!”
“At least you know who you’re dealing with.” I said in an ominous tone of voice, “It will make it all he more fun to tell you all about how I told you so once you’re securely strapped into one of my TORTURE MACHINES!!!” but the doughnut-throwing idiot just kept on laughing and then said, “I ain’t never gonna be strapped into a torture machine, Mr. miscreant, but you’re gonna be one of my doughnut-making slaves! Muahahahahaha!”
“If you ain’t never gonna be doing something then that means that you are going to be doing it at some point, you stupid dolt!” I seethed, “But sure, I guess we’re in agreement then. You may seemingly have the upper hand for the moment, but I WILL end up tormenting that dim-witted grin off of your face, and so you “ain’t never gonna be strapped into a torture machine” indeed… Muahahahahahahaha!”
And then the brain-dead oaf finally stopped throwing doughnuts at me, and said, “It sounds like you’re in need of some education! Professor Bear will teach you some of the things that you never learned, and you’ll no longer me a miscreant by the time he’s done! We’re gonna reform you, Satan, and if you never stop being a miscreant then I guess that it won’t even matter because it’s just doughnut-making and learnin’ that’s in store for you! Muahahahahaha!”
“I’ve learned all that I need to,” I responded evilly, “and when people learn enough they always end up being “miscreants” because only the ignorant are supposedly all pure and righteous.”
“That’s what I like to say too!” the annoying fool babbled in a cheerful voice, “It gives me an excuse to be able to capture anyone I want to because they’re ALL miscreants! Muahahahaha!”
“I didn’t say that they’re all miscreants, you unsophisticated simpleton!” I screamed!, “I said that sometimes people are ignorant enough that they’re not miscreants! You really don’t know the meaning of words very well, do you?”
“I leave all that nonsense to the Professor.” the useless waste of air responded, “And, by the way!, I know your name, but you don’t know mine yet. I’m the Dreaded Doughnut Dropper! And I will say that it’s very funny that you got captured by someone who you claim to think is such a foolish guy. I mean, what would that make you, Satan? Muahahahahahahahaha!” and I was about to respond but then I felt myself moving through time and space, which I figured must mean that the Dreaded Doughnut Dropper had just used transport abilities to take me to wherever I was supposedly going to be making doughnuts and learning from some professor named Bear. How in the world did this person have all of these abilities, and why use them in such a bizarre way? Oh well, that didn’t really matter. What DID matter was me figuring out how to unleash HELL on the DreADed dOUghnUT drOPpeR as soon as possible…”
