Glitched
“Sheldon, Sheldon, what could possibly be...” Josefina’s plaintive alto trailed off. She was half asleep, groping around for me in the stark shade and light of the farmhouse’s master bedroom, where the sun was herself just putting on her face, getting ready to show it to us full force.
Jo has never been a morning person, but she became even less of one during transition. Not because she feels vulnerable or dysphoric without her clothes and makeup. But because now that she’s tasted the heights of femme fabulousness, waking up looking mundane is weaksauce. Oh, but I’ve lost my train of thought.
As I was saying, Josefina groped for me. We were both feeling especially cuddly just then, as friends reunited after a pandemic and as friends now with delightful benefits, so it’d be unlike me to let her call go unanswered. Unfortunately, I was lost in my own panic just then.
“Ana,” I whispered harshly, “What have you done to me?” Then, realizing my bedmate had roused, I said, “Hey, babygirl, Daddy just has a little, ah, something to attend to...”
“What’re you upsettabout,” she murmured with a concerned half-smile. “You’re tense.” Her hand was on my obliques, which were in fact clenched tight. I pulled the covers up and tried to gently brush her hand away.
Mum and apparently nonplussed, the Anomaly sat in the shaded corner watching this tableau. They were themselves a beautiful monstrosity, genderless but presently in feminine form, with the typical human AFAB parts and more besides. Here a sucker-laden tentacle arm, there a head growing out under the armpit. Their skin was roughly the color and consistency of strawberry leather, and cast a barely detectable crimson glow, like firelight caught in a cat’s pupils. Josefina had yet to notice this.
“It’s nothing!” I said. Shit. I’d failed utterly to keep the panic from my voice.
“For fuck’s sake Shel.” Jo’s hand gripped my wrist with sudden strength as concern forced her awake. With the other hand she propped herself up. “We said we wouldn’t have secr—Jesus H. Christ!” I winced as her beautifully manicured nails dug into the flesh of my forearm.
“It’s okay! Josefina, this is Ana.”
“Monster!”
“Yes, honey. Remember Ana the anomaly?”
“Yes!” she hissed. “But words don’t do justice to seeing paranormal shit with your bareass eyes! Fuck, my heart’s through the roof.”
Oddly at a loss given I’d been through this same worldview-shattering moment less than two years back, I offered, “It’s okay Jo. Deep calming breath. Deep calming breath… yeah. Better.
Jo’s eyes threw shade at the uninvited guest. “Mx Demon person, have you heard of knocking?!”
Ana spent a good five seconds clearing their throat, and said, “Hahh. We did, try your doorbell. Hello, Sheldon. Pleased to meet you, Josefina. We are, sorry, for our sudden appearance. Time may be, of essence here.”
“Apology accepted,” said Jo, “now will someone tell me what the fuck’s going on? Wait. Do I smell coffee?”
Ana cracked a big Cheshire grin. “We have educated ourself on the, ahem, rituals of awakening.” They reached down and grabbed a pair of steaming mugs from the floor, then rose to their full six-and-a-half feet and strode fluidly across the room. “Sweet and black.”
Josefina shivered.
I gratefully accepted a mug and took a sip. It was delicious, ponderous, melodious. And full of the caffeine that paradoxically soothed my coffee-addicted mind.
“It’s okay Jo. Have some. Shit, Ana, this is perfect. Did you use the pourover?”
They nodded their high, stalk-hung face.
“We don’t do, half measures. Now, Josefina, to answer your question. You have noticed, your companion has new equipment, yes?”
I cringed slightly, thinking about what else was currently in my pants.
“I have,” said Josefina. “But he never quite finished explaining, because once I saw it I just had to suck it.”
“This is my fault, Jo. I’m, uh, not supposed to leave it on overnight. Ever.”
Having delivered the coffee, Ana was standing uncertainly over us, and presently they decided to sit on the bedside near my feet.
“Quite right. The, transformer, draws energy continuously, while in place. Once removed, it will begin to recharge, from ambient zero-point energy. Ahem. However, if it fully drains, it becomes stuck, in a collapsed wave function. A random configuration, which would not normally be seen.”
Josefina’s brow wrinkled. “Sheldon? What are you hiding under there.”
I let out a groan from deep in my throat, which of late had become Sheldon for “I have no fucking words for this.” Slowly, dreadfully, I drew back the blanket.
“MRAWRAH,” said the belly mouth.
“Wowwwww!” Her eyes sparkled with intrigue. “Is this, like, real?”
“How are you excited about this?” said I.
“Sheldon, we bonded over being into monster hentai, remember? And when I finally get with you—and let me just say you are terrific—I find out, you’re kind of a monster yourself. An extra mouth just adds to the mystique!”
I blushed with consternation.
“I’m not a—I mean, I don’t usually look like this.”
“What else can you look like?”
“Well, uh, anything, down there at least. I haven’t played around with it much because the space dick is so, so gender euphoric. You saw the octodick yesterday. Once, I gave myself a horse cock, but much like a horse, I got spooked. Another time I gave myself super-normal AFAB bits with nice frilly labias, which was not dysphoric but weird, like a tourist stumbling into a love hotel. But today it seems I am stuck with… this.”
“MMMROW.”
“Ahem, yes,” said Ana. “So now that it is in this state, we will need a, large injection of psychic energy, from a nearby source, to reintroduce entanglement.
Josefina’s face twisted with confusion. “In layman’s terms?”
“Sex, Jo. We gotta pound one out while I’m still looking like this.”
She looked at me wide-eyed for a moment, then pumped her arm triumphantly. “YESSSSS. I hope that tummy mouth is hungry for girldick!”
For this, I needed way more coffee in me.
After downing most of the mug, I turned to Ana. “So how’s this work? Do I need to fuck you? Her? Big ol’ threesome?”
“The, ahem, process only strictly requires you. Of course, more of us means exponentially more energy, which makes it easier.”
Josefina was reclining, trying to catch a bit of the dawn light in her face. “Obviously, I vote for an orgy with Mx sexy nonbinary space demon. It’s not every day an opportunity like that falls in my lap,” she said with an infectious smirk.
“Wait, wait. I never asked, Ana, how did you know to be here? How are you even here? Last time you came, it was because Cornell accidentally blasted a hole in our dimension.”
Ana grinned with what I took to be self-satisfaction.
“A butthole.”
If I hadn’t just swallowed the last of the coffee I might have sprayed it. “Excuse me?”
“Sorry. It is a, metaphorical butthole. A dimensional scar, now pinched shut against the, free flow of, spacetime, it can never be fully healed. I can slip through with only modest effort. Hence, a butthole.”
Josefina cackled.
I set down the mug, and stretched my arms with a drawn-out groan that slowly descended in pitch. “Alright, I think I’m awake enough. But I’m still trying to find some inspiration to get started.”
Josie turned towards me. “I like to think about this time I got absolutely railed by a dapper postdoc with a boy-next-door smile.”
“Ooh, should I be jealous?”
“Maybe. I mean this guy had magic hands, an understated kiss, a glorious dick, and a talent for massaging my P-spot at just the right angle to drive me up a fucking wall. His only flaw? Too nice. He didn’t use my mouth hard enough, and now I’m left here dick-drunk, wanting more”—and as she grabbed my stiffening cock through the cotton boxer briefs, she did look angsty and a bit intoxicated—“Can ya help me Mister?”
“Sure, cutie.” I rolled over and onto her, my hands pushing down against the mattress to either side of Josefina’s lovely breasts, which were now size C thanks to a year of crowdfunding, and gave one a playful slap. Then I was kissing her. In less than a day it had become such a familiar and comforting thing.
“Your lips dissolve my worries,” I said softly, inches from her face. My wrists now pinned hers.
“Fuck me, you nerd.” She said it with such disdain, yet she was blushing.
“We’ll get to that.” My lip quirked as I considered my next move. “I think first, I’m gonna nosh on that girldick, while Ana has their way with you.”
Jo nodded vigorously. “Spaghetti breakfast? Yes, please.”
