Chapter 1
My dad was the gentlest kind of strong. The kind who didn’t need to raise his voice to be heard. His arms were a fortress, his presence a home. He was sweet.. so sweet... so protective. The kind of person who made you feel like nothing in the world could ever hurt you, as long as he was around.
But he left this world too soon. I was only 17.
There are so many things I wish he’d had time to teach me. Not just the basics of life, but the deep, painful truths. (how the world works, how people change, how to protect your own heart, how to stand tall even when everything inside you is falling apart). He didn’t get the chance to walk me through all that. Maybe he thought we had more time. Maybe he wanted to protect me from that part of life for as long as he could.
Sometimes, when I hear that song “Buses and Trains,” it hits different now. That line—
“’Cause every time I get it right, I end up wrong / It’s a hard life, and I’m just tryna stay strong”—
feels like me. After he left, it felt like life hit me from every direction. Like I was thrown into the chaos without warning, without armor. Like the world was a train I wasn’t ready to catch.
But somehow, I’m still here. Still breathing. Still walking through the mess and the ache.
And I realize now, I got that from him. He might not have given me the rulebook for this world, but he gave me something even more important: the strength to endure. That quiet resilience, that stubborn kind of hope… that was him. And it lives in me now.
His birthday is this Sunday, April 13. I’ve been thinking about him so much. Wondering what heaven feels like. Wondering if he misses us. And I know this might sound strange, maybe even selfish to say, but I hope he doesn’t. I hope he’s happy. I hope he’s surrounded by peace so full and perfect that he doesn’t feel the weight of missing us. Because down here… it’s already heavy enough.
I love him so deeply. I miss him terribly. There’s a space in me shaped exactly like him.. and nothing, no one, can fill it.
Right now, as I write this… I played his favorite song—“Tears in Heaven” by Eric Clapton. And my tears are falling too. Literally.
(sobs.)
