ABOMINATION

ABOMINATION

By J Donovan Steele

Each atom begins to burst.

It is all light.

I am light.

I can't catch my breath.

The hallway is white. I see a celestial swirling dole that shimmers like seashells opening before me. There is a transcendent sound; perfect voices unifed in song. I can't feel my blood fowing. Beyond the gates, I see a gathering around an endless table. Upon the table is an amazing feast. I watch them pluck grapes, and the vines rebirth new fruit in their place. Everyone is smiling and chattering, some are singing. They are full of joy. I realize suddenly that they are all children. It is then that I feel my body. I am a child. Before I fully understand, the others turn their gaze towards me, and in unison they motion for me to join them. I reluctantly step towards the crowd. Some embrace me in a warm welcome. I feel a tingling, and I see her eyes. They wrinkle with her smile. I can hear her voice as though I have a single ear on my forehead. She assures me that all will be revealed. And though its cryptic, I seem to have an instant notion of what she is getting at. Then there comes a shaking that booms through everyone, and I feel at peace. Suddenly, we are all in His presence. We are connected to Him. And we begin to sing. There are no words in this song. We make musical tones that seem to fow from our chests. I can feel that He is pleased. Everyone begins to laugh, and run around as you might imagine the scenery of a summer playground. I stand still. I can hear their thoughts. They are in ecstasy. Overwhelmed, I begin to back away from the scene. Some turn towards me in curiosity. She notices, and I feel her trying to gravitate me back into the fock. I continue backing up. For a moment, I can sense her seeming to become sad. And just as suddenly, He comes to her, and she smiles as He smiles. She returns to chasing the others around. He is unexpectedly standing in front of me. I can see nothing but Him. He touches my shoulder. I feel the divine rush fow through my new fesh. He welcomes me, but when he senses my reluctance, He makes me feel pure peace. I relax immediately. He smiles, and I smile. He turns back towards the others. As He walks away, I am drawn to follow Him. My feet begin to journey towards the others thoughtlessly. But I see the totality of the situation in front of me, and I feel myself again. This feels wrong. I feel numb. I turn around and see the celestial gateway still swirling. I can feel Him behind me. He lets me know that this is permanent. If I leave, there is no re-entry. I turn to see the other children, happy at play. This is not for me. I know it. I return my gaze to the exit. I walk slowly through.

It's darker here. I look around and there are dim lights everywhere; like seeing the stars through thin clouds. There are people here, too. They seem to be wandering aimlessly. I don't see any children. I'm now an adult. And suddenly I start hearing the voices. They are confused. I hear them asking themselves questions. I understand slowly that they are trying to remember their past lives. One asks about what his favorite flm used to be. One asks what his friend's name was. One woman with her head down is trying to remember what fur felt like. This goes on and on as I foat past them. I then remember grass between my toes. I remember mountains. I remember the warmth of the sun in the sky. I look back to see the portal that I walked through is gone. The others around me don't seem to notice each other, or me, for that matter. After a long time of trying to remember more about my mortal life, I start to feel like I'm dreaming. I feel like I'm losing touch with any semblance of reality. I begin to feel anxious. This feeling gives me a sense of humanity. I start to feel my body. I walk in this fog of emotions, growing more and more aware. This is a sad place. After walking for awhile, I notice that I have no sense of time anymore. I don't know how long I've been here. I try to remember where I was before. I remember it was white. I keep moving forward, and then I see it. Up ahead, I'm not sure if it's close or miles away, there is a vortex. It's darker than anything I've ever seen. At the top it is thin, but it gets infnitely larger as I try to see the bottom. I am mesmerized. I feel uneasy. The closer I get, the fewer people I see, until there is only me. When I reach it, I realize it is sucking the atmosphere down into itself. I look down into it carefully, as I'm afraid I may fall in. There's a presence in front of me. It jolts me, and I look ahead, past the entrance of the dark vortex. Standing just beyond it, there is a shadowy fgure. He speaks to me. His disembodied voice makes me tremble. Once again, I am told that there is no return. If I go into the vortex, I am never coming back. I stare into it for a long while. The entity speaks again. This time I am informed that this is the fnal doorway. The fnality scares me. I take a step back. But as soon as I do, I begin to think about all those people behind me; the lost ones forever confused and anxious, not willing to walk through fear. This is not for me. I look down into the abyss. I feel the pull of the darkness. For a moment I am frozen, and then I allow myself to fall forward.

I'm falling and falling. I begin to think that this is all there is, now. I will fall forever in this darkness, losing all sense of myself until I become one with it. But then I feel the ground. I stand up with my eyes drawn towards the darkness from whence I came. It grows smaller and smaller and then is consumed by fery clouds. I realize the sky is fre. I feel a shove from behind, and turn to see a man with hollow eyes and a large sword that is crackling with fames. He points at something in front of me. When I look forward there is a large rounded rock. My eyes begin to focus more, and I see a mountain in front of me. I feel another shove, and I know what he wants me to do. I push and roll the rock up the mountain. The whole time I begin thinking about why I had to choose this route. I could've stayed in the peaceful place. I remember the peaceful place! I remember my mortal life! I suddenly realize I am an old man, but I am strong. I reach the top exhausted, and suddenly the rock is rolling back down the side of the mountain and all the way to the bottom. The man with hollow eyes appears in front of me, and growls with laughter. I make my way slowly back down the mountain. I'm remembering everything now. When I reach the bottom, I sigh. I notice I can feel my breath. I can feel my sweat. I look down to notice I have strange sandals on my feet. I look on towards the mountain, and it's beautiful. Without another thought, I remove the sandals. I take my frst steps towards the rock. As I begin to push the rock up the mountain this time, I feel the grass between my toes. I feel my muscles strain against the weight of the rock. I notice little nuances along the rocky earthen surface. I see the wide array of colors. And beyond my mountain, I see others performing various tasks. I see all kinds of entities making them continue about their tasks. And I feel pain again. This feels right. This feels like the world I miss. I reach the summit, once more. And as I hear the rock begin rolling down, and the hollow-eyed man's laughter belts forth, I look up, I close my eyes, and I feel the warmth of the fiery sky.