Brute

I roll off the Redhead as she releases, already softening. The overwhelming empty feeling that usually drowns me, comes at me full force— any fleeting endorphins disappearing as fast as they came.

At least they can’t say I’m not a gentleman.

“But baby, you didn’t finish.” She pouts, looking somewhat disappointed. The way she bats her lashes at me almost makes me want to roll my eyes.

What does she think this is? She got what she wanted.

If I’m being honest, I don’t even know this chick’s name. She came onto me downstairs in the bar, and her advances were a welcome momentary distraction from the bitter hole in my chest, and the one woman who put it there.

It didn’t even last long as a distraction, because all I could focus on with her below me is just how much she’s nothing like the woman I actually want.

“You wanted to know what it’s like to fuck a biker,” I shrug already climbing out of bed to wash her off me. Her cloying perfume on my skin actually makes me feel sick, like I can feel her on me and I can’t stand it. “Well you got what you wanted. Why don’t you run along now sweetheart.”

She looks a little perturbed, but doesn’t say anything. Instead she shrugs and pulls back on her clothes heading for the door.

I head to the shower, drowning once again in an abyss of emptiness. All I can do is hope that scrubbing myself raw will be enough to take away the sting of regret that haunts the back of my mind.

The heavy bass in my ears sounds like it’s drowning underwater. On bad days it usually does, but today is different. All I can think about is Zeva’s mysterious phone call, and her face as she rushed out of here frantic and in tears. Worse yet seeing the prospect behind the bar covering for her.

That was days ago.

She’s been gone almost a week now; even though Bear’s girl, Birdie, has been checking in on her and says everything is okay… it’s not enough.

I shouldn’t care. I shouldn’t notice. But no matter what I do, the distractions aren’t enough to stop my mind from drifting to her. When it comes to her I can’t help myself. I suppose that’s always how it’s been between us.

Snake eyes walks past the bar, probably noticing I’m nursing the same beer I have for the last half hour.

The booze, the girls, the smokes are great ’cause they’re there, but it’s never been what I craved. Hell, even the club sometimes feels like an obstacle in the way of the life I’d once hoped for.

Not that I’d ever give club up. But I sometimes wonder what it would’ve been like to have a different sort of life. The life I coulda had if I made a few different choices 5 years ago.

Then I remember who I am, and how bored I’d be stuck in wearing a penguin suit working a 9-5.

Fuck all of that, it’s not for me. Never was, never will be.

“Hey,” Snake eyes’ hand comes down on my shoulder. “You good man? I called your name like twice.”

“Sorry, enjoying the nicotine high.” I hold up my almost burnt out cigarette. A white lie, but it’s better than him knowing that I’m focused on the one problem I shouldn’t even have.

He knows me too well, well enough to know that I’m lying but not quite enough to know the truth.

“I need you to go check in with Jugs at the hospital.” Snake eyes lights up his own cig, “Robin said her mum’s being discharged, she may need some help. Take Bear with you.”

Well shit.

“Sure thing man,” I nod trying not to give away the sudden quickening in my veins. I make a point to finish my cigarette so that I don’t give away how eager I am to get on my bike and head straight to her.

I don’t have to wait too long for Bear, his girl is working tonight so he is just as eager as I am to get to the hospital. He doesn’t say anything, but I know he still finds it difficult not being able to drop her off and keep an eye on her at work. It’s been a month and a half but the situation with Robin is still fresh.

My bike is parked further away from the bar, but it’s fine because it means it’s closer to the road. I mount my bike and pull on my helmet, the grumble of the bike below me sending a rush of pure adrenaline through my veins.

I flick the kickstand up and glance over my shoulder to Bear who nods over to me. It’s all the confirmation I need. The wind pulls at my clothing as I rip down the road, the rush of the ride and the burning need to see her swirls a lethal combination within me.

Whatever we had might be over, but even after 5 years there’s something about Zeva that I can’t shake. I know that I don’t have that right— I had my chance, and I fucking blew it. It’s pathetic, but she’s the torture that I love, the drug that I just can’t quit and I’m hooked.

Robin meets us outside the hospital when we arrive, she’s not a slacker so I’m guessing she’s on a break. She looks a little startled to see me with Bear but smiles letting me know which ward to head up to, then she turns to Bear and it’s like I damn well don’t exist.

Fuck that shit. I never want to be like that again.

The ride in the lift is the longest I’ve ever taken, and the smell of antiseptic makes my stomach churn. I hate hospitals.

I don’t even bother stopping at the nurses desk, when I spot Zeva in one of the bays at the back of the ward. Her dark circles and messy bun has me wondering the last time she actually went home and got some sleep.

I can hear her voice even a few bays away; she’s not loud but I’m so tuned into the sound that it’s impossible for me to ignore.

“Mum, you had a stroke! You can’t just go back as if nothing happened.” Her frustration is clear in her voice. “If Zac hadn’t called 999—”

She looks up, her eyes going as wide as saucers to see me standing there. “What are you doing here? You can’t be here.”

“Pres sent me to check up on you and your mum.” I look over to the older woman and give her a polite nod, her eyes sparkling brightly when she sees me.

“Ah, you must be Sawyer,” She smiles. Zeva’s face looks pale, and for a second I’m afraid she’s going to collapse. Still, my chest flutters knowing that her mother knows about me; that means she’s spoken to her about me.

“Pleasure to meet you ma’am.” I offer my hand for a handshake, but she swats it away, gesturing to me for a hug instead. I’m certain I feel as uncomfortable as Zeva looks, but I can’t deny that the whole situation has me just a little bit elated.

Zeva shakes her head, pulling me away from her mother. “Well you can see everything is fine, so I need you to go. Right now.”

It cuts a sharp pain in my chest when she tries to chase me out. I knew that after everything that happened she wanted distance between us, I can understand why. Hell, I don’t blame her after what I did… but I didn’t think she hates me.

“Well—”

“Mama, mama!” A little boy rushes past me his dirty blonde hair bouncing with his speed, running right up to Zeva waving a chocolate bar in the air. “Look what the nice nurse found me!”

She has a kid?!

My mind whirls, eyes locked on the small frame of the child in front of her.

I know for a fact that she’s not in a relationship, not with the hours that she spends at the club mostly covering the busiest evenings— Friday night, saturday nights and Sunday after 9pm. She’s there during the week but only during the day. Well, I suppose that’s to work around her Kid’s school schedule.

She has a fucking kid?!

“Mama, who’s he?” The kid turns around pointing a little curious finger at me, and I’m hit with another wave of surprise bordering panic.

“What’s your name, little man?” I crouch down to his level, giving him a warm smile. He looks nervous, and tucks himself closer to his mum but still smiles shyly at me.

“Zechariah.”

My heart skips a beat.

“That’s a cool name.” I smile, ignoring the aching pounding in my heart and the guilty heartbreak on Zeva’s face. “How old are you Zechariah.”

He looks down at his fingers holding up five for me to see. Five. He’s Five. My eyes meet Zeva’s— well tries to, but she refuses to look at me.

It’s then I know.

Zeva doesn’t have a kid. We have a kid.