Chapter 1
She stood on the roadside, staring ahead where nothing was visible except a few bright glowing dots. She kept looking at them, unable to look away, as if they were hypnotizing her, holding her gaze captive. She smiled and took a step forward-one step closer to those flickering lights. They grew bigger and bigger, and soon the roar of an engine ripped through the air, loud and fierce. She hoped those lights would tear through her too...
“Goodbye, my world. Goodbye, my fate. There’s no place for me here anymore-in this world without you!” she whispered to herself, closed her eyes, and stepped forward...
Everything went black. Maybe I’m already dead? Where’s the light at the end? But what light do I need-I chose to leave life myself? I must be crazy! What did I do? Why? So many questions flooding my mind, it’s terrifying! Painful. A pain that spreads through my heart, and not just my heart-the pain takes over my whole body: heart, lungs, arms, legs, head, my whole soul, my whole life! I should be with him soon!
“Breathe, damn it, breathe!”
Karen heard someone shouting in her ear. She felt the cold asphalt beneath her, but strangely, she wasn’t cold. The ground must have warmed up in the day’s heat.
She opened her eyes and took several deep breaths. It felt like she hadn’t breathed for a minute, like she didn’t exist for a while.
“Can you hear me? Breathe, come on, breathe!”
Karen lay on the asphalt, her head resting on the knees of a guy who kept shouting at anyone who came close, blocking their way.
“Back off! Stay away before you get hurt! Hey, come on, get up. Come on, come on!” he said, slowly helping her up.
“Stand on your own. I’m gonna let go, try it. Can you hear me? Hello, you understand me?”
She nodded faintly in agreement.
He lifted her, set her on her feet, and let go of her hand. Karen swayed and nearly fell, but he caught her again.
“No, beautiful, that won’t do. Where do you live? Can you tell me?”
She nodded again.
“Guys, I’m heading out...”
Shouts, whistles, and murmurs followed them, but Karen barely heard. She fell asleep while he carried her to the car, and she dreamed...
She stood in a bright blue meadow made of clouds. Bright sunbeams broke through around her, everything was vivid and lush. Huge flowers grew, tall trees with fruits and candies hanging from their branches. Suddenly, everything changed-the sky darkened, colors faded, flowers and trees withered, and a flock of crows swooped down on the meadow. Fear jolted her awake with a scream.
“Easy, calm down! You’re safe!”
“Karen.”
“And straight to introductions, good girl. I’m Kyle,” he smiled at her.
They drove for about 40 minutes. During that time, Karen became more talkative. It turned out Kyle raced street cars at night and worked during the day, though he didn’t say what exactly. They skipped that topic anyway; Karen’s head was still buzzing, and lights flickered in her eyes.
“Where do you study?”
“I already graduated from an economics college. Now I work at a small firm. I really like the job.”
“If you like your job and your life, why were you wandering on the road?”
Karen suddenly turned away and fell silent.
“I was just walking...”
“I’m from far away, noticed you mumbling to yourself, closing your eyes, and walking confidently when you saw the car.”
“I didn’t notice...”
“Don’t deny it, you saw everything.”
“Maybe...”
“Why did you decide to say goodbye to life, beautiful?”
“I was tired... fed up...”
“So now, when I’m tired after work, I should throw myself under a car?”
“I wasn’t throwing myself anywhere!” Karen snapped sharply.
“Don’t get nervous, I’m not blaming you, just saying.”
“Thanks...”
“For what?”
“I just realized what I almost did... I’m really ashamed... forgive me...”
“For what do you need to apologize? You don’t even know me. You haven’t done anything to me, no need to say sorry...”
“Thank you...”
“For what?” - a smile appeared on his lips, his eyes shining.
“For stopping me...”
“I told you, I saw you from far away. I wanted to stop anyway...”
“But you had a race?”
“No, just a run before the race. So, I lost nothing.”
Karen smiled softly, settled comfortably in the seat, and looked out the window... accidentally glancing at the speedometer.
“160?!?!”
“Aren’t you in too much of a hurry?”
“See the speed? Get used to it-I’m always like this!” - he threw her a playful look.
“Why should I get used to it?”
“You don’t think this is the last time we meet, do you?”
“Well...”
“No excuses, beautiful. I said ‘yes,’ so it’s ‘yes.’ Don’t argue with me!”
His confidence annoyed her on one hand, but on the other, she liked it-more than that.
He had dark brown eyes, and though his clothes were simple-light jeans, a tight tank top outlining a slender silhouette, and sneakers (definitely not cheap ones)-his style impressed her. The guy looked sharp.
“Why do you always call me ‘beautiful’?”
“Dear girl, I say what I see!” His voice was full of irony, but it wasn’t harsh-it was kind and gentle.
“I’ll keep quiet, keep quiet...”
“This your place?”
They pulled up to Karen’s apartment building-a plain nine-story block. Karen lived on the third floor, with windows facing the courtyard.
“Yes, mine... Mom’s still awake.”
“I guess you don’t want to go all the way to the front door?”
“Stop here, please.” Karen pointed near the entrance of the neighboring building.
“Okay.”
He stopped and turned to her, as if expecting something...
“Thanks.”
“Maybe you’ll leave me your number?”
“Well, alright. Do you have a scrap of paper or a phone?”
“I don’t trust phones. Write it here.” Kyle pointed at the windshield.
“You’re joking?”
“I’m serious. Write.”
Karen took a black pencil from her purse and wrote her number, adding a smiley face at the end.
“See? Not so scary.” He smiled at her.
“Alright, bye, thanks.”
“Want me to walk you in? I see a lively crowd near the entrance.”
“Walk me, because I’m scared.”
They got out and walked to the entrance, not rushing despite the late hour. The weather was perfect, the sky clear, every star visible, and a big, beautiful moon shining bright.
“Well, that’s it!”
“Thanks for everything.”
“No problem. We’ll talk tomorrow, right?”
“Well, you have my number, I don’t have yours. So, mister, it’s all up to you.” Karen said, imitating his tone. He smiled, clearly liking that he was in charge.
“I’ll call you then.”
“Call me. Bye.”
“Good night.”
Karen entered the building and started up the stairs. Thoughts swirled in her head. Tears welled in her eyes... She couldn’t go on, sat down on the stairs, and began to cry-not just crying but a whirlwind of emotions, a breakdown...
“Jake, what am I supposed to do? I can’t be here without you, I can’t get to you... What do I do??? How do I live? Jake, what do I do?”
She couldn’t say the words aloud, only in her head-but so clearly, as if she really spoke. She only sobbed.
Karen couldn’t find the answer; maybe she didn’t want to know it...
Holding the walls for support, she got up slowly...
“One more floor, and I’m home...”
She climbed the stairs slowly, inspecting each step as if it held a secret or mystery, though it didn’t matter anymore...
Karen tried to open the door quietly but failed.
“Well, where have you been?”
“Mom, I told you-we were walking with Kate. She’s having some problems.”
“Kate’s been home for two hours. Where have you been? Your dad and I were worried!”
“Mom, everything’s fine. I’m home now, and I’m okay.”
“Alright, go to sleep then. How do you feel?”
“Mom, everything’s fine.”
“By the way, Jake’s mom came by today, wanted to see you but missed you. She’s had heart pain all day and said Jake visited her in a dream, telling her he came to us today.” Mom hugged Karen tightly.
“I love you, daughter.”
“Mom, I’m tired. I’m going to bed.”
Karen went to her room and closed the door tightly behind her.
Her room looked like a big city-because all the walls were painted: a red background with black shadows of tall buildings; where windows should be, there was white paint, making it seem like lights were on inside. Lamps were in the corners, small but bright enough to light the whole room. A couch stood in the corner, also red and black, fitting perfectly with the room’s style.
Karen felt safe there, and the room reminded her of Jake...
Tears welled up again; memories tormented her, and she couldn’t understand what to do...
She took out her diary, which she’d kept for almost two years, and wrote a new entry:
September 3 Tried, but nothing worked; I was stopped... Kyle stopped me from going to Jake. Someday, everything will work out-I believe it. Right now, it hurts so much-not physically, but in my soul. I don’t know what to do with this. Jake betrayed me! He promised never to leave, never to abandon me, but they separated us anyway. I was so scared... Jake. I tried to come to you today, but I failed. I love you. We’ll be together. I promise.
