(76) Born and brought up under red pigsty lights

I know by the way people look at me that they can tell something a bit abnormal happened to me. I'm always ill at ease to bring it up. Considering all the real tragedies that happened and that are still going on in the world, my problem might never have been noticed had it not been for my appearance.

I got noticed as having a problem because I look different than others. When that happens, if you ever wind up being considered different from the vast majority for any physical or psychological reason, you'll see it fall in the category of problems and even tragedies.

If your difference makes you better than others, you're gifted. If they make you uglier, then you're like me. Although I'm not repulsive or even frightening, people stare at me a lot and don't try to get close to me, because although they can tell something bad happened, they don't know what, and that bugs them.

If you're going to have an abnormality, it helps if people can figure out the "nature" of it right away. People don't know I was born and raised under red pigsty lights, and I don't know why I was born and brought up like that. It's not the thing my parents liked to talk about around the house.

I don't know if it's only because they were poor or if they were poor and crazy. All I know is there were only red pigsty lights over the earth-beaten floors. Even though I got to be in daylight smog and under neon lights often, the fact there were only red pigsty lights at home wasn't good for my skin at all.

Lobsters look like that when they're boiled. Whatever hair I have is so fine and blond that it doesn't contrast favourably. I have trouble seeing normally, so I look blind. The first thing people seem to notice about me, though, and the last thing they also forget, is my nose.

For some reason, it grew, lifting up all the time. If you look straight in my face, you see up my nostrils. If you're self-aware, this really doesn't help. My doctor and friends tell me I look very intelligent, but I know it's not true; it's only to make me feel better, and it does at first, but it never lasts.

I'll tell you why. Maybe it's because of my unusually increased sensitivity, not only on my skin but also deep in my feelings. Each time I go by people or am among others, I can't stop hating myself, because when I see all those people, when I look into their faces, I don't feel very intelligent.

I can tell you that no amount of autosuggestion helps make people see me as normal or stop smiling when they stare at me, a bit disgusted. It's hard to convince myself it's because I look so intelligent they stare at me like that all the time.

My skin burns constantly; I have cream for that, but it doesn't help. I'm extremely timid, so I suffer all the time. One doctor slapped me in the face and told me to get over it.

This other doctor referred me to you, thinking that sharing my experience might make me feel better. I don't think even if I could change my looks I'll ever feel any better. Even if I could stop people from reminding me of my differences and even if my skin wouldn't burn all the time, I don't think I'd feel normal.