Chapter 1: Sacred Deer
Dedicated to Elliott Ford.
My black swan. My muse.
Also Dedicated to David Lynch.
My white lodge. My mentor.
I wish I knew both of you better. In your death you both bring me comfort. You remind me how to live. May you both live forever through your art. My art is nowhere near either of yours, but may parts of you be sewn into my work. I love you. I hate that you're gone, but in your death you bring me life. To me, you are immortal. I'll see you both for coffee and American Spirits in the morning, during my regular transcendental meditation session.
"Still she haunts me, phantomwise,
Alice moving under the skies
Never seen by waking eyes."
-Lewis Carroll, Through the Looking-Glass and What Alice Found There
Chapter 1: Sacred Deer
The morning is cold, as all Januarys are in Colorado. The mountains held a bitterness that pierced bones. Froze eyelashes on the spot. There are deer outside the hospital where a woman is celebrating her birthday in labor. Her first born. On her birthday. Her birthday present was an easy delivery.
"Congratulations, Grace Foote, it's a baby girl!"
Through the pain and sweat and blood, Grace smiled. "That's wonderful."
The doctor let her hold her newborn baby girl. "Do you want to discuss the name with your husband?"
"No."
"No?"
"Grace scoffed. "No. I already have a name for my child." She looked out the window, seeing snow from days before, and the deer. "Her name is Astrid. Astrid Nichole Foote."
Grace allowed her husband in and he took photos of Grace and baby Astrid. His face is distorted. Like black smoke from a raging fire. The doctors and nurses and even Grace seem to not notice. He tried to hold baby Astrid, but she screamed so violently. The fire from his face was so hot to her new skin.
The fear never went away as Astrid grew from a seed to a bulb.
Grace is delighted to see her be so curious of the world, "She's so bright and creative at a young age! She's going to do great in preschool!"
Her husband is more of a shadow now. Buzzing and smoking, no eyes to be seen. "She doesn't need preschool, I can teach her that shit for free."
Grace glared at him as Astrid scribbled with crayons on the floor, "She's going to preschool. You can pick her up since I can't simply leave work. I have to go back now. Be useful for once."
"I can be useful, by not spending that stupid money on a fucking preschool and I can teach her."
Grace sighed, but quickly smiled at Astrid as her ocean blue eyes looked up to her. Astrid bit onto the end of the crayon, her golden blond hair thin and soft. Cheeks pink and chubby, her lips covered in drool. She loves her mama's face. "You can teach her. Then I can use the money for a nice elementary school. Or perhaps a trip. I want her to go to a nice private school for her junior years. She's so smart already!"
Mama Grace went back to work, leaving Astrid to be taught by the husband. Astrid cried so much when Grace left, "She just needs to get used to me not being around. She'll warm up to you."
Astrid's ocean eyes cried so many waterfalls on her little cheeks. She reached out her little hands as Mama closed the door. The husband was still shadow-like, but had more pronounced features. An outline. Astrid finally recognized his eyes. She had the same eyes when she looked in the mirror. When mama left, he took her to her toy room. He would let her chew on the crayons and she could draw on the floor, he would clean it up. He would let her draw on his arms, his chest, his legs. With the crayons of course, they didn't stain. Astrid tried to fill the blackness with color, but it did nothing. Her blooming hands did not like to touch his skin. She held onto the crayons when he changed her diapers. His dark hands were too slow with the baby wipes. Her crayons were swords against his eyes. His eyes burned. If only she was a knight, or a hobbit, or a magician. She could pierce his underbelly and release his innards all over his worthless gold.
She gained the superpower of speech and colors in school, but she liked to think in dreams. Especially during the day. She was a goblin king, sometimes a warrior princess. On the black top she would create castles in chalk. Where she could hide from dragons and evil witches.
"Mommy, daddy sneaks into my room to cuddle and I don't like it."
"How dare you accuse your father of that?!"
"Mom, he's weird. He makes me get naked-"
"Enough! I can't believe you'd make this shit up!" Grace said it was normal for the firstborn to make up lies to get attention when you become pregnant. A new baby takes away attention so they'll go miles to get that attention back.
Astrid started crying, wilting away. If only she could run away to the worlds in her mind. So confused at what her father is doing in the middle of the night. He would whisper, in the dark, always in the dark. He'd make her feel warm and safe, then suddenly she was scared. Shaking. Wetting the bed.
"What's wrong with you?! You're nearly eleven years old now, and you still wet the bed like a fucking child!"
"Mom, like, yeah, dad kisses me like dads do but they don't do the stuff that the boyfriends do that dad does." her sword was getting stronger and stronger the older she grew, her petals gaining color again. She was becoming that knight she read about so much. Her eyes streamed tears as her heart broke, "Mom, you were supposed to protect me-"
"I do protect you!"
"I never wanted you to be a witch in my story, mom. But you are. You're the fucking witch."
Grace's eyes turned a bright green, glowing like orbs. She raised her hand and slapped Astrid across the face. Her sword broke. Her aura lost color. She stopped crying.
The husband divorced Grace, for another woman. Someone younger. It was just Astrid, mama Grace, and their newborn baby boy, Leif. They sized down their home and moved into town. Mountains and deer became cars and people. Astrid was blooming into a teenager. Her golden hair was short, darker blonde now. Her overalls and dresses turned into shorts and flowy tank tops. When Astrid was 14, she pierced her own nose. She began gauging her ears. Plucking her eyebrows. For her birthday, Grace bought her a laptop.
"Awh, sick, mom! Thank you. This is rad."
"It's for schoolwork. Schoolwork. Okay? High school you'll be writing more papers on a computer when you start next year. Plus, you can do your art there too. Graphic design is a good career to get into."
"Mom, psh, you know I prefer paper."
"You say that now, but it'll be better to transfer that into graphic design."
Astrid rolled her eyes. "Whatever."
Astrid loved the internet. Social media was just getting started and Astrid loved taking photos of herself. With the laptop, she could. She'd do the peace sign like the "kawaii" girls. Astrid started getting into the Tokyo, Japan aesthetics of the girls in their colorful outfits, anime, and K-pop bands. Grace didn't allow her to wear makeup yet, so Astrid got into accessorizing. She wore colorful clips in her hair, used the internet to learn how to make "kandi" bracelets, and mama Grace was impressed by her new talent. She also made necklaces too with popular icons of Japan and some hippie elements as well. She enjoyed the aesthetics of flowers, 70s bands, peace signs, beads and drapes filled her walls. She even got a bean bag chair and a lava lamp. She was doing well in school. Especially art. It wasn't hard for her to make friends either. With the combination of her bubbly personality and her knack for social media, she was becoming fairly popular.
It made high school a breeze. Especially the year that Astrid was so nervous about, Freshman year. Plenty of her friends from junior high joined her in senior high. She took debate class that year and soared. She was having fun in her basic art classes, her art was coming together so well and the teachers love her. She was getting into music and loved dancing. She convinced Grace to let her join a freestyle hip-hop dance group outside of school.
"It'll keep you out of trouble, since you seem to be going down that way."
"What the Hell does that mean?"
"Don't you cuss at me! Look at you."
"Mom, I'm an artist. I'm just like a hippy."
"You dress like a stoner."
"Mom, you're ridiculous."
Her hip-hop class got her more into baggy pants with tight shirts, hooped earrings, and backwards hats. She started crushing on a girl in her class. Roxanne. They would sneak cigarettes before they went home. The girl was older so she would drive her home often. Grace was working much longer hours now that she was a single mom.
Astrid loved to chat with her. Roxanne was 17. She loved how she didn't wear makeup, she had masculine features in the face, but her body was petite. She wore 2-3 tank tops on and 2 bras, then sweatpants at the hips with boxer shorts underneath. Astrid liked her lip ring.
"How bad did that hurt?"
"Not as bad as the nose, so you could definitely handle it."
"My mom was pissed off I pierced my own nose, maybe for my 15th birthday I can guilt her into letting me get the other side done."
"I can just do it for you."
"Yeah?!"
"Yeah, I got actual tools, not a fucking needle and apple like you!"
They laughed and smoked cigarettes with the windows down, as they would every Wednesday night. Roxanne showed her new music, some of it hip hop, others artists more rap. Astrid didn't live far from the studio. Her mother was still at work. Astrid turned down the music when they arrived at her house.
"The sitter is inside with my bro, can we smoke some more?"
Roxanne gathered her curly long hair and tied it back, auburn in color. "Yeah, you can have another cig, sure."
Astrid had her nails painted different colors: pink, green, chipped yellow. She has a ring on every finger. Her natural hair was straight and laid quite flat, it was to her neck now. Her eyebrows were thicker. Her ocean eyes looked sea green with her green hoodie. "You know, you're really cute."
Roxanne smirked. "Yeah? Thanks. You're hella cute. It's whack you are almost 15. You are much taller than me. You have the nicest legs. You also have pretty lips."
Astrid smiled showing her teeth. That was rare. She let out a soft chuckle, "Ha, thank you."
Silence fell as they both lit up new cigs. She couldn't stop looking at Roxanne. She had celebrity crushes, but not a real life crush. "I want to kiss you."
Roxanne smiled, her green eyes like two moons in the fog of the car. Astrid adored her freckles, she noticed them as she leaned in closer to her. Her eyes shapeshifted into mirrors of Roxanne's. "That's sweet, but maybe for your birthday? You're only 14. When's your birthday?"
"Next week."
"Damn, winter is almost over."
Astrid put her hand on Roxanne's shoulder. "My birthday is close enough. Kiss me."
Roxanne looked hesitant, but was definitely fascinated by her. She looked at Astrid's lips, they had lip gloss, shining in the night. She bit her own lip. "I feel you're going to be my poison, girl."
"Let me." Astrid pressed her lips hard into hers. She moved her hand to Roxanne's breasts, continuing to kiss her. Roxanne petted her back as well. They gave each other breathy, hard kisses for what felt like minutes. Astrid loved how soft her lips were. How soft her skin was. Her soft breaths in between kisses. Astrid imagined fireworks coming from her lips, their skin, their breasts.
"Wow."
Roxanne pulled back nervously, face red and flustered. "Wow, for real. I gotta get home. Text me?"
"Yeah, I will. Can you pierce my nose for my birthday?"
"Absolutely, girl. See you Wednesday?"
Astrid got out of the car. "Yeah! My birthday dinner is 8. We'll have a few hours to do it!"
Astrid was so excited the whole week. She finally had something to look forward to. Her mom finally let her wear makeup ,but had to wait until her birthday. She felt blessed to have it on Wednesday. This Wednesday. Her art skills came in handy with her makeup. She did very good eyeliner for her first time. She put on glitter eyeshadow and she plucked her eyebrows, then filled them. She styled her hair with straight sides and a pump in the middle. Hairspray to hold it all together. She wore a pink skirt and a black top, with a white and pink sweater over it, and black converse shoes.
"Happy birthday mom, I'll see you at 8."
"Thank you. You too. Don't be late."
"Psh, okay mom. I bet you'll be late before me."
The school day was going by fast. Astrid was drawing Roxanne in her art class. She texts her throughout lunch. She was going to pick her up for hip-hop class. She hopped in immediately, for Roxanne was waiting there right when the bell rang. The girls lit up cigarettes after kissing each other and drove off to the studio. Astrid and Roxanne had sexual tension the whole class. When Astrid looked at her, she saw those fireworks all around her. Her green eyes were comforting, not like her mother's. She was so masculine yet femme it was hot. She found her heart pounding harder than usual during class.
Afterwards, they went to a park and Roxanne had her piercing needles with her.
Roxanne cleaned them and then pulled out a mini bottle of vodka from her bag. "Here, girl, drink this. Happy birthday, and it'll help with the pain."
"Oh, fuck yeah!"
"Have you drank before?"
"Nope! Give me that shit."
"Woah, woah, chill. Let me grab you a chaser. You're gonna need it." She pulled out soda from her bag.
Astrid took the mini bottle and opened the cap, then took a swig. She made a small sour face. "Damn. That's spicy." Astrid felt the wave, then the warmth. She felt it like a hug. Roxanne opened the soda and handed it toward her.
"One sec," she took another swig. "Okay." She then sipped the soda.
"Damn, girl, you don't want to show up fucked up to your birthday with your mom."
"I'm bigger than you, bitch." Astrid cackled loudly.
Roxanne took the bottle from her and put it back in the bag. "Shut up! Now sit still."
Roxanne and Astrid got serious as Roxanne leaned in and pierced her nose. She put in the needle, then a hoop. "There we go."
"Can I have another shot?!"
"Girl, another time we can get fucked. I don't want you getting into trouble with your mom."
"Ugh, fine." Astrid pulled down the sun visor to check herself out. "I feel hotter already!"
"You look hotter, girl."
"Thank you." Astrid got quiet as she scanned Roxanne. She had sweat on her hips and neck. Astrid wondered what it tasted like. Roxanne pulled out the bottle and took some big swigs. She threw it back into her bag and then put away her piercing kit. "Do you wanna walk around the park?"
"I'd rather just kiss you. No one's here."
Roxanne laughed. "You're crazy, girl."
Astrid leaned in and kissed her hard, the scent of vodka from both. "I like how my lips feel funny."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah!" For once Astrid's skin didn't feel so tight. So uncomfortable. She loved how time slowed down, everything felt new and exciting. Her brain finally was quiet. She could enjoy the moment. Her new piercing felt great too. She liked how soft the girl's lips were. Not rough or scratchy. Not in the darkness of her room. She loved kissing someone she wanted to. She groped Roxanne again.
Roxanne kissed her back and put her hands on Astrid's thighs, her skirt riding up. She grabbed it and began pulling it back down.
"Leave it." Astrid grabbed her skirt and pulled it up, she positioned herself to remove her thong."
"You're too young to be wearing those!"
"I wore it just for you. I only have one. I stole it from the mall a while back. You're the first one I wanted to see."
Roxanne looked shocked, but honored. Her hair was down, frizzy and curly in the dryness of Colorado winter. Her masculine face is shiny from getting sweaty during class. They had the windows up since it had recently snowed. She turned up the heat. She took off her light hoodie and revealed her multiple tank tops under a long sleeve crop top. "There's something about you, girl. I can't help but fall for you."
Astrid saw the fireworks in her eyes. She puckered her big lips, and then lowered her eyelids down to her legs. She leaned back in the seat and spread her legs to Roxanne. Roxanne slithered her hand over to her and touched her. Astrid had tried a few times to get herself off alone, recently, especially after sex ed.
Roxanne's green eyes became wide and focused on Astrid. "Does that feel good? Is this what you want?"
Astrid closed her eyes, the glitter like stars on her lids. "It's nice, but I want you to put them inside."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes. Please."
She grabbed Roxanne's face with her hands and pulled her in closer. She kissed her hard and then slipped in tongue. Roxanne had her tongue pierced. Roxanne moaned softly, then slid her fingers into Astrid. She moaned loudly and kissed her more passionately. Astrid saw colors with her eyes closed, pink and purple circles, popping like bubbles. She moved her hands from Roxanne's face to neck and squeezed gently. This made Roxanne finger her faster. They moaned into each others' mouths, listening to Biggie Smalls singing from the radio. The windows got steamy before Astrid's climax. Astrid put her thong and skirt back on correctly, then the two cracked the windows. Roxanne pulled out her pack of smokes.
Astrid lit her cig. "That was great."
"Yeah? Good. I'm definitely addicted to you now."
"Oh, whatever. You're so serious."
"You're poison, girl."
Astrid cackled and took drags of her cig, dragging her nails on her skirt. "You're hot and I like us playing around, but we can't date or anything."
"That's chill." Roxanne swallowed hard, making sure to hide the pain in her eyes. "I'm definitely into you, though."
Astrid bit her lip. Suddenly the fireworks were gone. The colors were dim. She was still horny for her though. "I'd love to party sometime with you. I think it would be fun."
"Tell you what, I'm going to a party this weekend. You think I can take you?"
"Not exclusively, but yeah. That sounds fun!"
"I get it. Are you not into girls, or?"
"Yeah, yeah, I like girls. Girls are hot. I don't want anything serious, I'm too young."
"Yeah? I could rock your world, girl. You're not missing out with dick. Us dykes have vibrators and straps, even dildos. Dykes fuck better than any man."
Astrid laughed and kicked her long legs. "Baha! You're probably right, but I do like guys. I know that. Even though I haven't fucked a boy yet. Will there be boys at this party?"
Roxanne sighed, "Yes. Just be careful, alright? I don't want you getting hurt."
"Trust me, I can handle myself. I'm taller than most guys right now. I can fight dragons in my sleep."
She looked into the sun visor again. The sun was starting to set. The snow reflected the light into her eyes, they were nearly green. She saw a black shadow in the backseat. It had those red eyes again. The buzzing sound started once they made eye contact in the mirror. The buzzing went on until she closed the visor and finished up her cigarette.
Roxanne pulled up to the restaurant a quarter until 8. "Now, use that stuff I gave you to clean your piercing. Use cotton swabs and clean both the inside and outside of it. Okay?"
"Okay. Thanks again Roxy, you're a great friend."
Roxanne put on a small smile. "You too, girl. Happy birthday. It was no trouble."
Astrid blew a kiss to her before hopping out of the car. Then she leaned down and waved to her, Roxanne waving back, and driving off. After Roxanne got out of the parking lot, she opened the mini bottle and took a swig, tears filling her eyes. "Be cool, bitch. Be cool." She sucked on her cig that hung out the window. She liked how the cold kissed her wet face. She turned up the music and drove faster and faster down the road.
Astrid was glad it was windy, so the cigarette smell would air out faster. Her mom got there at 8, with her brother Leif.
"Happy birthday, sissy!" he ran up and hugged her. Then she hugged her mom. Grace did not have a good sense of smell, so Astrid had that on her side as well. Grace didn't notice the nose ring until they were seated.
"I see you stapled your face."
"Psh, mom. Chill. It's just a nose ring. It's not like I'm smoking crack."
"Astrid, inappropriate."
"What?! I'm just saying."
Leif giggled. Mama Grace gave her a glare, but then shrugged it off the more Leif's sweet young laughter filled the table.
Grace sighed, still in her work uniform. "I guess if the worst you do is get piercings and dress wild for a teenager, I can be thankful."
Astrid cackled to herself, for little did her mom know she had tried alcohol today, and definitely planned to try it again. It was so fun, so freeing to not care. Not caring about her moms eyes, her feelings about girls, her feelings about boys, the shadow man also known as her dad. her skin burned, and she knew why. She was thinking about how good it felt to be touched. She was thinking of some of the moves from Roxanne and how she wanted to use it later alone. The buzzing was back, but not as loud as before. She looked around, but did not see the shadow.
"Astrid? Astrid!"
"Sorry mom, I was spacing out."
"Well, the waitress is here, tell her what you want."
"Oh, yeah, sorry."
The dinner continued peacefully, Astrid drawing when she got home for the night. She found herself wishing she had more vodka.
She pulled out her phone and texted Roxanne,
Hey Roxy! Wanna sneak by and we can chill :D?
No response. Astrid fell asleep on her bean bag chair and her phone in her hand. Fully clothed. Shoes and all. The lava lamp and her small overhead drawing light were on.
