Pain

I close my eyes. Pain. I open my eyes. Pain. I turn my head. Pain. I move my finger. Pain.

I've learned to live with the pain throughout the last two months. It’s the strongest pain I felt that I remember.

I don’t want to sleep anymore. I don’t want to be awake because of the pain.

Readers of this diary might wonder what kind of pain I am experiencing that has such a big impact on my daily (or nightly) life. For anyone who wants to know, I will tell what kind of pain it is.

It’s the pain you feel in your chest. Something you really need is lacking. Whether you know what it is or not is not important. It feels like the strong feeling of sadness is stealing your energy and it's using it for sad and desperate thoughts.

Dear reader, I recommend not to read the next (last) passage. I feel like this pain is like a decease. If you don’t want to get infected, please do not! read!

Help! My chest knows I need… But I don’t know what exactly. Tears will come up into my eyes and disappear. My throat tightens. I feel the feeling in my heart and eventually in my throat and in my head. The feeling is numbing my senses. The days will go on and go by and nothing will ever change. I want to give up.

Let me just scream our pain out of my lungs. A last desperate scream for help.

(Laptop closes) Liebes Ich, dieser Brief geht an dich. A line in a foreign language. Was mal dein Traum war, ist heut dein Trauma. Another one. Ich hoff, dieser Brief kommt nicht zu früh oder zu spät für dich. Calming sentences. I don’t even understand them, but I understand, that they want to help me. Liebes Ich, ich bet' für dich. Period.

My fingers on the table, a pen in my left hand. It feels good to have my feelings written down.