Part 38 - Loop
Deon stood in his kitchen, contemplating life.
Somehow, deciding what to make for dinner was harder than figuring out his love life.
“Fuck it. I’ll just order in,” he muttered, grabbing his phone off the counter.
1 new message.
From: Sierra.
He froze.
He hadn’t heard from her since the whole I’m your real mother incident.
If she was texting now, it couldn’t be anything good.
“What’s she want this time? A shoulder to cry on? To just hang? Push and pull at my emotions again? Nah. I can’t.”
But he was already unlocking his phone.
“A voice message? She must be feeling dramatic today.”
He pressed play.
Sierra (voice message):
“So what if it hurts. I want all of it. The pain. The happiness. The triumphs, the failures.
I want to watch our kids take their first steps together.
You don’t have to meet me halfway anymore.
I’ll take every step in your direction from now on.
I’m done standing still.
I don’t want the pieces anymore. I want the whole thing — all the time and all at once.
I love you. Not as a friend. Not as family. Not as someone I’ve just known forever.
But you already know that.
I just can’t hold back anymore.
I don’t think you can either.”
His lungs stopped working.
The phone slipped from his fingers and hit the tile with a crack.
The kitchen suddenly felt too warm — like the air thickened around him.
“What… what’s happening?”
She wants to see what together? Kids!?
His brain short-circuited.
This had to be for Keyon.
She must’ve sent it to the wrong person.
But it was a voice message.
She wouldn’t slip up like that.
“How do I… respond to this? Should I?”
He sank onto the kitchen floor, back against the cabinet.
“Man, what the fuck!?”
Everything I ever wanted — gift-wrapped and dropped in my lap?
But I’ve got Amina. She just told me she’s moving closer.
Moving in.
And Jordy…
It’s complicated, but we’re good. I think?
And now this.
His phone chimed.
Please, God, not a follow-up. I can’t take it.
From: Jordy
Hey Deon. Just wanted to know if it’s cool if I came by and watched the game at your place? LMK.
P.S. extracurriculars are available.
“Damn,” he muttered. “I chose a hell of a time in life to become popular.”
He rubbed his face, trying to breathe. His chest was tight — the bad kind of tight.
Beautiful girls.
All talking about having babies.
Your babies.
“Oh, fuck.”
He stumbled to the window and shoved it open.
Cold night air rushed in, cooling the panic burning in his chest.
After a few deep breaths, he walked back.
I’ll have to unpack the Sierra thing. I shouldn’t respond right away.
Right?
Shit, or maybe I should. I don’t want to leave her hanging.
But she’s married. So I shouldn’t respond.
Fuck.
Are her and Keyon on the rocks?
He’s been radio silent too. No posts. Nothing.
Damn. Is this actually happening?
He shook his head and focused on the easier problem.
Jordy first.
Deon: Yeah that’s cool. You know you don’t have to ask.
Her reply was instant.
Jordy: Yeah, I know. I just thought since we’re in a weird place — not quite friends, not quite lovers — it’d be weird to just appear.
Deon: Haven’t we always been like this?
Jordy: After what we said and the other night? No. I don’t think we are.
His mind flashed back to that night — the warmth, the closeness, the way she said his name.
Deon: Yeah, that was… intimate.
Jordy: In a word.
Deon: Anyway. Yeah. When you pulling up?
Jordy: An hour or two. Gotta get ready.
Deon: For what? It’s just a game.
Jordy: The other stuff, Deon.
Deon: Ah. Getting new packaging, I guess.
Jordy: Don’t be an ass. But yeah. Status upgrade gets you better perks.
Deon: Like the birthday stuff?
Jordy: Hmm, no. This is better.
Deon: Oh shit. Boyfriend gets better than that? What’s hubby get?
Jordy: You’re about to find out. See you soon.
Oh.
Jordy’s texts eased the pressure in his chest — too easily, if he was being honest.
Still… seeing her sounded nice.
Two things can be true.
He exhaled and glanced back at his phone.
Then he hit play on Sierra’s message again.
Same words.
Same tone.
But this time, it hurt.
“Si… why are you doing this to me?”
He ran a hand down his face.
Is it because you know I can’t resist you?
Is my heart just… a game to you?
Who am I kidding.
She’s had me wrapped around her finger before she even knew she had me wrapped around her finger.
She calls, and I come running.
Will I always be like this?
A pull tightened in his chest.
Yeah. I will be.
So why am I fighting it?
She wants this too.
She’s always wanted this.
What am I so afraid of?
Because it’s permanent?
Because choosing her means choosing a lifetime?
No… I want that. Desperately.
“The fuck is wrong with me…”
I have Amina.
Jordy.
I shouldn’t be selfish.
But… is it really?
He played the message again.
“Sierra…”
He began typing:
Is everything okay?
Send.
“Fuck.”
He chickened out. Per usual.
Why was he like this with her?
With Amina he could be bold. With Jordy he could be honest.
What is it about Sierra that scared him?
I don’t know, Amina.
I don’t think I’m the man you believe I am.
My heart can feel so much love, but I don’t know how to navigate it.
“I’m not built for this.”
