Stolen Ever After

It was early October, and Ray was loading his groceries into his Wrangler. He had just set the bags down when, in a flash, a brown paper package landed next to his groceries. He turned to see someone in dark clothing hurrying away.

He turned back to the package, addressed to him.

Ray Brooks was a hopeless bachelor. At 40, he had given up ever having his own family. It wasn’t because he was ugly or smelled bad. It’s because he is a nice guy. He’s the kind of guy who gets told, “Let’s just be friends.” And that is the extent of his romance.

He turned back to his Jeep and looked at the package. His name was written on the package, only his name. He shrugged and closed the tailgate.

He drove home, parked in the back like he always did. He took the groceries in and was about to set the bags on the table. His mail was there. He hadn’t brought it in, but it was there. He set the bags down.

He walked back out and grabbed the box. It was heavy, he hadn’t expected that. Carrying it in, he sat it next to the groceries. He put the milk and eggs away first, before putting the rest in the cabinet, leaving the vegetable party tray on the table.

After putting everything away he turned to the box. It was a fairly large box wrapped in brown paper. He pulled out his pocket knife and cut the paper free. Then he cut the tape holding the box shut.

The box was full, completely full of cash. Ray stared into the box, his knife dropped from his hand. He grabbed the box and hurried into his closet. He opened his gun safe and stashed it, all of it.

He was just locking the safe when he stopped. How much was that? He opened it back up and began counting. He counted the first bundle that was strapped together. It had 100 bills of $100. Each larger bundle had 10 strapped bundles. And there were ten of those. He sunk to the floor and asked out loud, “What is going on?”

He pushed the safe door closed and checked several times to make sure it was locked. He walked back to the kitchen and looked over the mail. Then he headed to the neighbors for the picnic. They had invited him for grilled burgers and hot dogs.

He headed to the back yard where his neighbor Johnny had the grill going. He pointed to his cooler and said, “Grab yourself a drink. Is Charlene coming?”

Ray frowned, “Charlene? I don’t know.” Johnny gave a grunt and began flipping burgers. His wife, Sherry, pushed her way through the screen door. She was carrying a big tray of jalapeno poppers. She said, “Hey, glad you could make it. Is Charlene coming?”

He looked at her and then back to Johnny. “Who’s Charlene? You both act like I know who you’re talking about.”

They both looked at each other and Sherry laughed nervously. “Okay, you don’t know her, I’ll bet that’s news to her.”

Johnny didn’t laugh. Johnny was Ray’s friend since grade school. Johnny was the kind of friend who would help you move a couch for a can of beer.

Johnny said, “Ray. Your wife. Charlene. Her burger is ready.”

Ray froze. He felt the hair on the back of his neck and a chill rushed down his spine.

“My... what?” Ray managed to spit the words out, his voice cracking slightly. He looked at Johnny, waiting for the punchline. Waiting for Johnny to burst out laughing, slap him on the shoulder, and tell him it was some kind of joke.

But Johnny didn’t laugh. He didn’t even smile. He just stared at Ray with the steady, earnest look of a guy who had shared a locker with him in junior high. Johnny picked up a heavily melted cheeseburger with his spatula and slid it onto a paper plate.

“Ray, man, this isn’t funny,” Johnny said, his brow furrowing deeply. He set the plate down near the buns. “She is your wife dude. Your better half, and you’re acting this way. Marriage is sacred dude. I know you’ve been private about your life lately, but you can’t just put a ring on this girl’s finger, move her into your house, and then come over here and pretend she doesn’t exist. Sherry spent three hours setting up the backyard because we wanted to finally celebrate with you two.”

Ray wanted to explain that “sacred” usually implied two consenting people who actually knew each other’s last names, but Johnny looked ready to revoke his best-friend privileges over a cold burger.

Sherry’s nervous laughter completely died out. She set the heavy tray of jalapeno poppers onto the picnic table with a sharp clack. She looked between the two men, her eyes widening as she read the absolute, unfeigned terror on Ray’s face.

“Ray...” Sherry said slowly, her voice dropping an octave. “You’re not joking, are you?”

“I live alone!” Ray’s voice rose, a sharp edge of panic bleeding through. He took a step back, gesturing wildly toward his own house just across the property line. “I’ve lived alone for twelve years! I went to the grocery store an hour ago, a total stranger threw a package into my Jeep, I came home, and my mail was already sitting on my kitchen table! I don’t know a Charlene. I have never met a Charlene. I am not married!”

Johnny and Sherry exchanged a look - a look that sent a jolt of pure adrenaline straight into Ray’s chest. It was the look you give someone who is having a psychological break.

“Ray,” Johnny said, lowering his spatula and stepping away from the smoke of the grill. He spoke very slowly, the way you speak to a cornered animal. “You introduced us yesterday, yesterday! We helped her move in. When I walked down the driveway to ask if you guys needed a hand, you introduced me. She told me you two got hitched in Vegas last week. She even showed me the photos, Ray. Dozens of them.”

Ray’s mind raced backward, violently replaying the last twenty-four hours. Yesterday. The dark blue truck parked across the street. The mail on his table today. The heavy brown box sitting inside his locked gun safe right now - one million dollars in cash.

I hope it fits in the safe, Ray.

The words from the text message he hadn’t received yet - but felt looming in the air - echoed in his frantic thoughts. Someone hadn’t just dropped off a fortune. Someone had systematically stolen his entire life while he was at work, and his oldest friends were the primary witnesses.

“Where is she?” Ray whispered, his eyes darting toward his dark, quiet house. “Where did she say she was going?”

Before Johnny could answer, a soft, pleasant chime echoed from the driveway at the front of Johnny’s house. The distinct sound of a car door clicking shut.

A woman’s voice, bright and cheerful, carried into the backyard. “Hey guys! Sorry I’m late, traffic on the highway was a nightmare. Ray, honey, did you remember to bring the vegetable tray?”

She glided over next to him, “Ray, what’s the matter?” He looked at her, studying her face, trying to force a memory of her. He sat on the bench by the table. He said, “I don’t know.”

She was a pretty woman, not beautiful, but pretty in a woman way. She looked to be near his age but he wasn’t sure, maybe a little younger. Her smoky blue eyes looked honest. Her auburn bob haircut didn’t quite fit her face. Her short small frame didn’t look threatening, and somehow he believed her.

Ray had been on vacation, but not in Las Vegas. He had been camping, alone. He had a favorite spot he went to each year. He would fish, but never catch anything. He would hike and swim, but always alone.

He pulled out his phone and opened the file folder. The photos. Sure enough there they were. The happy couple, the Elvis chapel. He didn’t even like Elvis. She was leaning into him looking at them with him. She pointed, “That was my favorite.”

He shook his head and then looked her in the eye. He said, “Okay.”

She gave him a quick kiss and then said, “Well, let’s get this party started.” Johnny and Sherry looked nervous at the couple but reluctantly joined in. They sat and visited till evening, and by then everyone was genuinely having a good time.

Finally the two couples were cleaning up and putting things away. Ray promised Sherry he would see a doctor about his memory lapses.

Ray and Charlene walked arm in arm back to his house. He let them in the front door, then he saw it. A photo of them together at the lake.

He said, “Now, you need to tell me everything.” She started to speak, and he put his finger to her lips and said, “The truth.” She said, “Okay, the truth. You are my husband, Ray. I mean legally, and as far as everyone close to you is concerned.”

They sat on the couch, she sat close to him, closer than he was used to sitting with people. He asked, “How did you do it?” She looked into his eyes, studying him before she answered. She said, “I found you. I needed a wonderful protective man and I found you.”

He was beginning to get a little angry, but tried not to let her see it. “Yes, but how did you do it?” She smiled and looked at her lap, hands folded between her legs. He thought she looked adorable.

She said, “I stole you, Ray. Plain and simple. I did it to save myself. You caught me. So now I guess you get to decide what happens to me.”

He watched her for a while. He could see that trapped animal like fear in her eyes. He asked, “Will you zap everyone again and disappear?”

She honestly looked hurt. She said, “Ray, I didn’t choose you to weather out a storm. When I said I stole you, it was for keeps. You know the whole till death thing. I even said the words, but to your stand-in. But that makes it all legit doesn’t it?”

He said, “To make it fair, you have to tell me all about yourself. I mean, we’re married and all.” He looked at her wedding ring, frowned, and asked, “Did my stand-in pick that out?” She said, “He was only there for the vows and the pictures, then I sent him on his way.” She wiggled her wedding finger and said, “This was Grandma’s.”

She said, “I grew up in Austin. We lived in a nice house in a nice neighborhood. Dad programmed guidance system software for rockets. Mom worked in a chip factory. So as you can imagine I was intrigued.”

Ray asked, “Intrigued? By chips or computer language? Because chips, well that’s just figuring out how much air you can fit in a bag.”

She humphed first, but couldn’t help it, she laughed, out loud full laugh. She hugged him, still laughing. He was still confused. Still didn’t know what she was laughing at.

She said, “Ray, Chips,” then laughed again. Then she looked serious, “Thank you for letting me steal you. And let’s promise each other it is for good.”

Ray leaned back on the couch and asked, “You aren’t a criminal are you? I mean, like a real one, not just someone who steals a guy’s life.”

She said, “I have never done anything illegal. Well, I got a fraudulent marriage license and added myself to your health insurance, and your home and car insurance. Oh, and your bank accounts too. But other than that, no, I’m not a criminal.”

He asked, “How did you convince the neighbors? Because I never told them any of that.” She pulled a small device out of her pocket. She said, “This is a Revision Zero. It’s my life’s work.”

He said, “You mean you invented a jump drive?” She smiled patiently and said, “That’s not what this is. See the end here? It sends tiny hair like electrodes out. If I get it in just the right place it will deliver a memory, any memory I plant in it.”

He asked, “Did you zap me with that thing?” She said, “I did. But you never remembered. Otherwise you would have had memories of our wedding.”

He frowned and asked, “How does it work?” She said, “Oh you know, air in a bag and all.” And laughed again.

But Ray didn’t laugh. He leaned forward and scuffed his toe on the floor. “So why did you continue when it didn’t work? Why zap my neighbors when it didn’t work on me? Why the million dollars in my jeep? Why not find someone it would work on?”

She wrapped her arm around his and leaned on his shoulder. “Ray, I have known you for a long time. You put the H-Vac in my shop. You might remember it, I needed the clean room with positive pressure. I learned your routine and accidentally bumped into you from time to time.”

He looked at her again, seeing something for the first time. “You always wore your hair down. Shoulder length. The card reader girl.” He wrapped his arm around her and hugged her to his side.

Then a thought hit him, he asked, “What about my family? Did you zappie thing them?”

She said, “Your mother thinks I’m adorable. And your sister approves of us. I didn’t mess with our brother-in-law. He doesn’t look friendly. And, I left our niece and nephews alone.”

The word our didn’t escape him. He was settling in to the idea of being a couple. It was the one thing he had always dreamed of, someone to come home to. He knew she was playing into that, but he decided it was worth it.