Dark Thoughts

I've always been a chubby girl even before I entered high school. And as a result of that I was always bullied at school.

Bullied and insulted by girls.

Pranked and laughed at by boys who were obviously disgusted by me

My parents might not say anything but I felt they were disgusted by me too. I mean who wouldn't? Who would be happy with a fat and ugly daughter? No one

Some times I'd starved myself for days but it's not like anyone would notice . They would only see me and comment on how fat and big I am.

Even aunts and uncles when they see me they always have something to say. They'd always tell me to quit junk food and quit eating a lot. They'd tell me to exercise more and not sleep on the bed all the time.

How do I tell them I was already doing that? How do I say anything when I'm still fat as I've always been.

So I always just smile as a response.

Even while they insult me even while they body shame me I'm always smiling.

Smiling while I'm crying inside

Smiling while I'm dying inside

Smiling while I feel like killing my self most time

I'm always smiling

I always tell myself " Amanda smile , you don't have to show them you're suffering, you don't have to bother anyone with your problems, just smile "

You might think I'm just an overreacting teenager. "Oh she's just bitching, trying to get attention "

But that's the one thing I hate

Attention

That's why I always have to blend in the crowd

Why I always try to make myself as small as possible but that's difficult cause guess what? I'm a fat ugly pig.

Yes that's what I am

That's what I'm always saying to myself

So when others insult me I don't retort. I just keep quiet and smile. Cause no matter how hurtful those words are they are also the truth

And that's me , the always smiling girl.

I'm also someone that has a very over active intrusive thoughts. I might be seated and see a child running around and one part of me would want to put out my foot and watch the child trip and fall while crying loudly. Those thoughts brought smiles to my face, genuine smiles, not the fake ones.

But my friends always made me feel bad about myself too. They tell me those type of thoughts made me a bad person. Made me a monster. Why would the only thing that made me happy also make me a monster. Why ? Couldn't I be normal ?

So from that day I stopped having intrusive thoughts. Anytime I had them I shook them off and tried to calm myself down.

I wanted to be normal.

I wanted to be liked.

I had to act like a normal person.

But all that changed one day.

Something happened and it made me feel very excited. Made me felt like I had purpose.

And guess what ?...

It gave me the biggest smile ever.