Echoes of Pain

I stare at a gray wall, thinking about the hell my life has been. Yes, my entire life feels like one big mistake after another. No one to love me. No one gives a shit enough about my welfare to check in on me.

Well, John called, probably to make sure I didn’t kill myself. That was nice of him. He is a good guy, after all. Probably the only one in the whole world.

But it seems to have all gone down hill the last month or so. Escalating to the point I don't even know if it's worth it anymore. I wish I could go back to that one mistake I made and yell at myself, saying it’s not worth the pain! Just leave town and don’t look back!

What would my life look like if I actually made a different choice? Would I be happy? I don't know when I've been happy... Maybe I'd just be safe. And at this point, safety is so much better than happiness.

Of course, then I would probably think I had gone insane and just laughed myself to a hospital, which, in all honestly, may have been the best option! At least if I was in a hospital, I wouldn’t be sobbing here in a bathroom over the disaster that is my life, just wondering how the hell I ended up here.

I want to get drunk and pass out and never wake up again... Maybe in a few weeks someone would come and find my corps... I doubt anyone would even pay to have me put into the ground. My family certainly won't care, in fact they might have a celebration! They'd just burn my body and leave it at that.

Two weeks ago, I came out of the doctor’s office so excited. It was the happiest day of my entire life! I was finally worth something! I had such big news to tell Damian. I was sure he would be happy once I told him.

Maybe things would be good with us like they were six months ago. Since his mother has been hounding us to get pregnant, he's been trying like hell, and putting a lot of pressure on me.

Sex has been... painful and a chore. He's the only one who seems to enjoy it. He hurts me, but it would be worth it if I could get him the results he so desperately wanted.

He would start caring about me again… I didn't know when I'd lost his love and when it turned to torture, but with a baby, I'd be safe. At least, that was what I had naively thought. I know better now!

He’d been acting off lately, and my being sick didn’t help much. He had been pushing me away and spending long hours at work, saying he was trying to save up money or that he had a big project he had been working on.

He promised he would take a break in a few weeks, and we could go on vacation. That was all legit, right? He couldn’t possibly be lying to me! He loved me! He even asked me to marry him, so why would he lie to me?

Looking back now I should've seen it. I should've noticed all the signs... But I'd been so damn desperate to be important to someone for once. How the hell could I have known I'd have been better off moving to Texas than sticking around Oklahoma with some bastard?

We’d been married for six months… And yes, getting married at 22 does seem young, and I was naive. I was in love with him, (or at least I thought I was) and he’d showered me with attention. He told me I was the most beautiful woman he’d known, and he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me!

That had to mean something! Especially when no one ever told me I was beautiful. I was a nuisance and a burden… Not someone to marry just because.

But to be quite honest, I had nowhere else to go. I was so clingy and needy that I didn’t see what he was doing to me until it was too late. I should’ve run when I’d had the chance. I guess that makes me stupid… At least, that is what my parents would’ve told me.

I wish I could say I had a relationship with my parents, but I don’t. They kicked me out of the house the moment I turned 18, claiming I was a burden to them. They had used me just like everyone else. They pretended to be loving parents out in public, and at home, I was in hell.

They never laid a hand on me, that would’ve got the school involved and eventually the cops. No, it was their words and their neglect that tortured me the most. They made me feel so fucking worthless. Like I was some damn mistake!

The whole damn town of Brookfield, Oklahoma treated me like I was a piece of shit all because my parents didn't give a damn about me.

They would never miss a chance to tell me how useless I was, and I was the reason my twin sister died. Well, if it had been me that died instead of Melody, would they have loved her instead? I guess I’ll never know. I can't say sometimes I don't wish it had been me instead of her... Then she'd have been tortured... Or loved like I've never been... Either way, I wouldn't be around to deal with the aftermath.

My twin and I were almost identical. We both had flaming red hair, only her eyes were blue, and my eyes were green. She died in a car accident when I was 5 years old. I have no idea how that means I made my sister die! I was in the wreck too, only I came out of it and she didn’t. All I know is that I miss her and I’ve been so damn lonely since she left me.

I’ve been working odd jobs since I was 12 and have money saved in the bank my parents can’t touch. My parents loved punishing me by not feeding me... Sometimes they'd even forget I existed and only made food for the two of them. If I didn't want to die, I needed my own income.

My grandparents helped me open it without my parent’s knowledge. I wish I could’ve gone to live with them, but they left to travel the world. Honestly I haven't heard from them in years. They didn’t care about me enough to take me with them, only to make it so I could have enough money to fend for myself.

After they kicked me out, I went to my best friend, Candi and her family took me in for a few months. I will forever be in their debt. Candi’s parents, Lidia and Joe were always nice to me and never treated me like I was dead weight, and when we’d saved enough money, Candi and I got our own apartment.

For a while, everything seem to be normal. I was almost happy! I had a good job and a home no one could kick me out of. I wasn't a burden to anyone. I was just me, finally breaking free.

And then Damian came along like a knight in shining armor… At least that’s what I thought at the moment.

He’s a few years older than me, and he’d already graduated college. He works in accounting and had been doing well for himself when he met me at the diner I was working at. I thought it was love at first sight… I definitely should’ve had my eyes checked!

But how the hell was I supposed to know it was doomed from the first time his eyes landed on me? I was so love deprived, I was willing to follow him blindly.

We dated for a total of 3 months, and I was head over heels for him. He told me I didn’t need to work anymore and I could move in with him. He would take care of me and we could be happy. We could start a family together and grow old… All the fluffy happy dreams floated in front of my eyes, blinding me to reality.

I didn’t know that the moment I agreed to marry him was the first of many mistakes. Why would I agree to something like that after only knowing the man for a few months? It sickens me to even think about it now. I am so stupid! I hate how I can be such a pushover! (Well, I guess I’ve learned my lesson now.)

We had a rushed wedding, got married the next week at the courthouse, and I moved in with him. I quit my job just like he’d asked me to and put my money into his account for safe keeping. I know! Why didn’t I see the red flags? They were more like sirens blaring at me to get the hell outta there!

And yet, I didn’t listen, thinking he would love me forever. I was a foolish little girl with foolish dreams of being important to him. I only have myself to blame for not noticing sooner!

The moment I said “I do,” everything changed.

He became controlling and angry. He had to have everything perfect, or he would hit me. Even sex was a form of control, a punishment. I could never do anything good enough for Damian.

He would belittle me in front of his friends when he took me to parties and flirt with all the single girls, kissing them right in front of me, acting like I was fucking oblivious and not right there watching the whole damn thing playing out.

And still I couldn’t open my eyes! What is wrong with me? Why didn’t I realize then that no matter what I did, I would never be good enough for his love and affection?

So when I came home that day, with my big news, only to find my husband on the couch with my best friend straddling his naked body, I freaked out. I yelled at them and cussed at them.

“How could you do this to me! After everything I do for you? You go to sleep with my best friend! Candice! I loved you like a sister… And all this time… you just wanted my husband? What the hell is wrong with the both of you?” I yelled, throwing the pretty throw pillows at the both of them in a fit of rage.

Candi at least had the decency to look ashamed. Her face was red, and tears were falling down her face. She refused to look at me, which is fine. I don’t know if she is just putting on a show for Damian's sake or not.

However, Damian was pissed as hell and went off on me. He took my ex-best friend and stood before me completely naked and punched me in the belly. Hitting me again and again until the whole fucking world spun and I just wanted to die.

I landed, hitting my head against the kitchen table. He stomped his way to me, kicked my belly hard and slapped my face again, causing my lip to bleed. I didn’t want to think of the bruise that was already starting to swell and sting on my cheek. And I really didn't want to feel the empty ache in my belly.

My head hurt. Everything was momentarily spinning and blurry. But that might be from my own tears. It was damn hard to breathe as a pain exploded from my abdomen. I needed to move...

“You filthy little slut! I don’t know what I ever saw in you!” He screamed at me. “You are only good for one thing and when I need something else to keep me satisfied, you ruin it for me!” ye continues to yell in my face.

I didn’t even bother looking at him. He is nothing to me now. His words may hurt almost as much as the blows, but I’m not going to show him right now.

Later I would cry into my pillow and let everything come crashing down, but not then. Instead, my blurry eyes were focused on my ex-best-friend.

I saw what almost looked like pity in her eyes. I didn’t need her pity. I didn’t need her friendship, but at the moment, I really needed to hurt her as much as she'd hurt me. Not only that, but I was going to be one hundred percent honest with the traitor.

I just shook my head, "If he can do this to his wife, what do you think he will do to you?" I scoffed as she shook her head in denial. "You can have the bastard. I don't need fake love. You two really do deserve each other."