Let Him Go
**Trigger warning: mentions of cutting
Kelly’s point of view. July 2015.
I love animals, but I hate my job sometimes. Being a veterinarian isn’t for the weak. I had to put down my third dog this week, poor boy was old and in pain, I had to end his suffering. His family was devastated; it’s never easy saying goodbye, even when you knew it was coming.
I moved to Oakland after I finished college. I really blossomed in school, no longer the misfit that got ignored and bullied by society. I made so many friends…and even dated. But I never forgot the boy I fell in love with in high school. We both knew we were ending, but it didn’t make it less agonizing. He had his dreams and I had mine, we had to follow them.
As my vet assistant and secretary helped me close the office for the night, a familiar, repetitive sound punched me in the heart.
Sinful Joy.
They had a new record out, my local radio station playing their new songs over and over again all day everyday.No matter how long time had passed, their music still stabbed me in the gut. I knew those boys most of my life, supported them, and now they were famous. I was proud of them, but ever since Cody and I broke up, I couldn’t face them: no concerts, no band merch. I’ll admit it, I’ve seen a few music videos, had their songs in my head, but regretted it each time. Whenever I saw Cody’s face, it still hurt. He was more than my boyfriend, he helped me through dark times in my life.
I was struggling with cutting and my dad was drinking a lot when I was in high school. Cody and my best friend Natasha were the only ones I told. Cody let me stay at his house a lot, his family loved me. They never judged my situation, they welcomed me with open arms.
When Sinful Joy went on their first tour, that was the beginning of the end. Long distance was rough, it was the first time we were ever apart that long, the longest we had ever been separated was five days, but he was gone for weeks and he was busy touring so he had a hard time staying in touch with me. When he finally returned, I was getting ready to go to college. We innocently thought we could make the long distance thing work, but life had thrown us in different directions, things felt so different this time. I knew there was no place in his rock star world for me, I didn’t want to hold him back anymore.
I let him go.
I grew up, I changed. My teal hair I had most of my teens was dyed back to my natural brown, I ditched some of my piercings. I had to put my aching heart on the back burner, I was going to be a vet and save animals. I even finished college a year early and now I had regular clientele coming to me for their animals.
Cody’s band exploded and he was living his dream. After months of radio silence, I went to text him congrats when the crushing blow came. He was kissing some supermodel who was a million times prettier than me. Yes we broke up, but he got over me so fast it hurt like a motherfucker while I was still healing. I erased my message and quietly deleted him from Facebook…and my life. I was foolish to think he would still love me when he could have any chick in Hollywood. I buried myself in my studies, tuning out any sign of Sinful Joy and the blonde boy who stole and broke my heart.
My assistant Mel was singing to the band’s new song “Summer of Sin”. She knew everything about pop culture, including Sinful Joy. The band had been putting out lighter, more pop friendly songs over the years, but were back to their punk/rock roots, thank god. I think since Sebastian became a father, it softened him. When I found out him and Ari had a baby, I was shocked. She basically disappeared from the world when she found out, she didn’t want to ruin his career. I always adored Ari, but seeing the uptight family she had, no wonder she detonated like she did. I did the opposite: I got my shit together and made my life better. My dad was sober now and we were talking again. I wished I would’ve tracked her down back then, I always wondered why she dropped off the grid.
“I can’t believe they’re playing at the Oakland Arena! I need to get up super early tomorrow to buy tickets!” Mel exclaimed. “I wonder if that bass player is still single.”
She was referring to Cody. I hadn’t been keeping up with him or anything else related to the band (minus the huge Sebastian/Ari headline). It was better that way, I needed to protect my sanity.
“Are you going?” Mel asked.
“I don’t think so, I don’t really like concerts,” I lied. If she only knew.
She made a weird face. “Well it would be fun if you did. Who knows, maybe one of the band members will notice you.”
A part of me always wondered what would happen if I ran into Cody again. Would he even recognize me? We graduated seven years ago, it felt like yesterday and so many lifetimes ago at the same time.
When I got back to my apartment, I looked through a box I kept my high school memorabilia in. I looked at my yearbook, the first time I’ve seen it since summer of 2008. Some teenagers want all the signatures from everyone they knew in school, but I didn’t; I just wanted messages from the people I cared about, including the teachers that showed me kindness.
“My sweet Kelly,
You made high school magical. You believed in me and my crazy dreams, hell you are my crazy dream. You make my heart rawr. I love you my fallen angel.
Forever your emo prince,
Codyboy”
I smiled at the nostalgia. I used to call him Cody Boy, he called me Koala because of my love of koalas and how I would cuddle him like one. I dug through the box and found my old, worn Converse shoes. Cody doodled a koala bear on the toe part of the shoe, he even autographed the other shoe. The shoes were dusty and smelled musty, but I could never throw them out, my stupid heart wouldn’t let me.
I went to bed, hoping to have dreams that didn’t involve high school or Cody. I moved on and my heart and brain needed too.
***
Another rough week of putting animals to sleep, the part of the job I hated. Two cats, three dogs. I did get to deliver a litter of kittens so that made my week more bearable. The owners were so happy with how I helped their cat have the kittens, they promised me a kitten if I wanted one. I already had a tuxedo cat named Gerard (yes named after Gerard Way, my emo crush), maybe he needed a friend. I would have all the animals if I could.
Mel was having an argument on the phone with someone, I assumed her boyfriend. They had an on/off relationship. He treated her like shit: flirting on other girls’ social media, forgetting their anniversary, and he couldn’t keep a job. She could do better than him.
She stepped outside. I followed her. “You okay?”
Mel roughly wiped the tears from her exhausted eyes. “Victor broke up with me. Whatever, I can’t deal with his shit anymore.”
I hugged her. “I’m sorry that happened, but you deserve better than him.”
“Maybe you’re right. I wish I didn’t love him.”
“He’ll be sorry he let you go, but it’ll take time.”
She sniffled. “Now I’m going to Sinful Joy alone. He was supposed to go with me.”
Uh-oh. I knew where this was heading. I felt bad Mel just got dumped days before the concert, but I couldn’t see the band, I just couldn’t.
“Please go with me, Kelly. You’ve been so kind to me, I don’t want to go alone.”
Why did I have to be such a good friend?
“Fine, I’ll go,” I grunted.
“Yay! We’re gonna have so much fun! I know you hate the band, but I bet you’ll love them after experiencing them.”
I never told anybody my secret connection to Sinful Joy, but Mel needed to know the truth in case I had an anxiety attack at the concert.
“I don’t hate them, I just…I used to date one of them.” Mel’s green eyes went as big as saucers. “Are you fucking serious? Who?!”
I took a heavy sigh. “Cody Epperson. We dated in high school. We broke up when I started college. I haven’t seen him or talked to him since.” I gave her the gist of it, I didn’t want to unpack my entire teen love story, not yet.
“What happened?”
“We grew apart, I guess. He was going to be a rock star and I was going to school and it just wasn’t going to happen. Hearing his music…it makes me sad.”
Her eyes lowered in sadness. “Do you still love him?”
A dusty butterfly flew around in my stupid heart. “I think a small part of me always will. He got me through some hard times. He actually used part of his paycheck he got from Warped Tour to buy my first semester textbooks.”
“Aw that’s so sweet!”
My face spasmed into a grin. “He is. I hope he still is, but I’ve yet to hear any scandals about him.”
“I understand if you don’t want to go—“
“No I’ll go. Truthfully, I love concerts. Maybe this will help me move on.”
“It’ll help us both move on.”
I sure fucking hope so.
