The Christmas Bonus
As Fester Addams pushed Penny in the wheelchair, he kept checking her face.
“Darling, you’re not spying, are you?”
“No,” Penny avoided rolling her eyes so she wouldn’t ruin Fester’s surprise. She could feel the gravel chunching under the wheels. It was... pleasant.
“Open your eyes!” Fester asked, excited.
Penny did as she was told, almost immediately wishing she didn’t see that... thing in front of her. Standing up shocked, instinctively going to the heavy weight of her belly, she saw it was a castle. A Medieval, probably haunted castle, probably ancient and full of evil, angry spirits. She could only imagine the sight of it at night, with all those trees devoid of leaves decorating the place.
Penny dared say she could see the trees ugly faces, staring at her with malignant stares.
“You hate it!” Fester came at her from behind, as she squealed in fright. “You hated it, and you are afraid!”
“Oh... Oh no, Fester! It just takes some getting use to... I mean, I totally feel like the bride of Dracula here!”
“I could be Dracula!” Fester said, excitedly.
“Exactly. You’d do a great Nosferatu. This place is fucking creepy, I knew I should’ve come with you to choose a home that didn’t scream 'ME!ME!ME!'”
“Why don’t you look inside? Sometimes that could do the trick, as you well know...” he elbowed her.
Penny stood frozen, the thick, heavy oak door swinging shut behind her with a sound that was more a sigh than a slam. Outside, the stone walls there might be a mausoleum of ugly secrets, but inside—inside there was a gasp. The gasp she herself emmitted, breathing velvety air filled with old spice, not the damp, chill rot she'd expected. It was indeed, a cathedral of shadows! But comforting, fresh shadows of a tree.
She lifted her face, slowly, tracing the impossible height of the vaulted ceiling. Dark, rich wood climbed into the gloom, and somewhere far above, a massive, stained-glass window bled sunlight across the impossibly polished stone floor. It wasn't 'haunted' in the traditional sense; it was haunted by history, by passion. It was a testament... His testament to her.
Her breath hitched. "Fester... I... I thought it would be horrible!"
“I’ve heard that one before,” he said, simply smiling that unnerving, imperfect smile that always made her knees weak. "It has to be perfect for my sweet baby. A sanctuary where no one can touch your light."
The girl did her best not to lose control over her tear ducts.
As for the kitchen... It was enormous, built for feasting and chaos, with a vast hearth framed by medieval stone. But in the center, there was a sleek, utterly modern, obsidian-black island. It was them. Consuming desire. Old and modern.
"Look, pretty baby," Fester whispered, his voice warm and close against her ear. He pointed to a small, antique spice rack overflowing with jars. "All your exotic flavors. We shall never eat a single normal meal here."
“Yeah, who needed normal?” the girl thought to herself. “Like I could cook and use spices at all!”
A laugh bubbled up her chest—a real, genuine sound she wasn’t used to listening as often as she had been before meeting him. The kitchen suddenly felt like the heart of the home, a dangerous, glorious place where even a simple, disastrous meal would become an event.
But the bedroom—the chambre, Penny would call it in the future. Heavy tapestries of deep crimson hung from the walls, drowning out the world. The bed was a fortress, draped in furs and silks, so wide and high it felt like a throne. Penny’s worry was about who would clean all that.
As Fester gently took her hand and led her to the center, the sunlight caught the intricate carvings on the headboard—gothic, dark, and utterly opulent.
"This is where you will rest, my queen," he murmured kissing her hand, his eyes burning with the devotion that always terrified and thrilled her. "And here, in the darkest place, no one can see us. No one can reach us. Only my sweet little baby, and Fester."
She giggled. He really got carried away. He was even talking in the third person...
“That’s all very well. But I have a meal to prepare,” she feigned indifference.
“You know I won’t let you any near the stove with a belly this size, right, my love? And you know that when I tell you no, it means no, baby girl? Now, why don’t go lie down while I prepare the supper?”
Penny couldn’t believe the way he’d just talked to her. Oh, the nerve!
“No!” she snapped at him. “This is the wife’s duty!” she showed him the engagement ring on a chain. As soon as she delivered the baby, Fester would drag her to the altar, even if Penny went kicking out and about and screaming through the nave.
“Do you even know how to cook?” he asked, sounding mildly amused.
Annoyed, Penny threw at him the first thing she grabbed. A wooden spoon. He caught it with mastery.
“How hard can it be?” she answered, shrugging.
He threw her the spoon back, but Penny didn’t grab. It hit her forehead. Fester roared with laughter.
“You were supposed to catch!”
“Asshat! Get the fuck out of here! You’re distracting me and attacking me! I’m a pregnant woman! How dare you? Go find where the TV is. And I wanna see the library! Is it like the Beauty and Beast one?”
“No... There is an Iron Throne in there, though.”
“Oh my god, really? An Iron Throne in the library? To read like a queen?” she almost dropped the onion she was holding.
“No, not really... I’m sorry, I was joking! You already are a queen! And I watched only half of those strange series. Who were you rooting for?”
“Bummer! I was really wishing for that throne... And Cersei Lannister, of course.”
“The brotherfucker? Tell me she does not win!”
Penny laughed.
“Mostly everyone there were assholes. She happened to be a badass. The ones who were... nice were annoying AF, such as Jon Snow.”
“Snow was decent! Why didn’t you like him?”
“Look, I’m busy, Fester. Find the TV and we finish watching GoT together, ‘kay?”
Fester sighed, miffed.
“Try not to burn the castle to the ground this first day, right, sweet baby?” he asked, in a saccharine tone.
Penny narrowed her eyes in anger, but didn’t look at him, as he left the room, cackling.
Penny stared at the onions and the giblets like they were her worst the enemies. And there it also laid the turkey, the biggest evil chicken she’d ever seen. Bigger than any she’d ever seen in any Thanksgiving she’d been present.
She probably knew how to chop an onion... How hard could it be?
Penny managed to peel the onion and cut it in half. As she looked at the obsidian-black island that shone like it was the stellar sky in space and the wooden butcher block, there seemed to be a thousand more stuff for her to chop. She muttered an angry ‘fuck!’. She couldn’t ask for help. Fester would bitch her till the end of their lives, and go on mocking her whenever taking flowers to her grave.
The girl rolled eyes, feeling like an idiot. Now, thanks to her they were on a tight schedule. As Penny got the biggest knife to do everything faster, she managed to do not even half of the work before cutting herself. Her ring finger was gushing like a hose, and there was no towel lying around. The girl thanked fuck she usually wore her engagement ring around her neck, as a pendant. Fester never said how much that upset him, even though he knew Penny was being overcareful for liking the item too much.
As Penny opened one fancy, golden faucet after the other, she heard only old cars sputtering.
Great! She didn’t know anything about that horror movie house! Now, how the hell was she going to stop the bleeding to finish the dinner?
Fester came running from somewhere and asked her, panting.
“What happened? Did you hurt yourself?”
“It’s nothing! Although there’s no water in this fucking kitchen!” Penny punched the dark countertop.
“I’m sorry, I forgot about this detail!” he apologized, sheepishly. “But in my defense, I already knew your idea wouldn’t work. I just didn’t know it would be so quick!”
“There! I can’t believe that asshole looks so smug!” Penny thought, sulking.
“Oh, I’m sorry we didn’t bet on it, Fester! And—Hey, what are you doing? Don’t do that, Fester. It’s weird, even for you!” she asked, as he sucked on her bloody finger.
“You’re hurt and I’m taking care of you,” he said, sucking her finger with so much gentleness and care the girl dropped a tear. And then, another. And another. That was so very personal! After somehow Fester staunched the bleeding, Penny asked sniffing, drying her eyes.
“How did you know I was hurt? Were you spying on me, you traitor?”
“Of course not! I already knew you’d fail, you can’t cook to save your life, baby girl. I was trying to find the TV, and it turns out they’re everyhwhere! Then I felt the scent of blood. Your blood! I was afraid you were—were dea—“
He couldn’t finish the word. Penny felt awful for being annoyed at him.
“What you mean, the scent of my blood? Who the hell can smell blood? As far as I’m concerned, the only non-vampire who can is Bella Swan!”
“Now Penny, you know I love you. But you should stop talking to other people like fictional characters were real. You know people can be really mean, don’t you? Most of them just have no vision of anything at all! They don't understand simple things, baby.”
“Doesn’t matter what you say about my characters, they look plenty real to me,” she stared at him, measuring him up as if she knew something he didn't. “So, you can smell blood! That’s gonna be shitty when I’m on my period...”
“And it can also come in handy, so I’ll know how to treat you, depending on your answer. Sex or no sex, then? Just in case, I don’t mind about a little blood and mess if you also don’t...”
Penny bit her lower lip flushing red, trying not to laugh, staring at her feet. He sounded so damn eager! When did Fester become so shameless?
“Glad you told me. I’m sure we can arrange something,” Penny joked, jumping on him, as he gently placed her on the starred island.
“I don’t wanna hurt the baby, Pen.”
“You can’t do this to me,” Penny hissed, furious, touching her chest multiple times, as if showing she was there. “I also have my needs! You’ve neglected me for months! I really need to fuck, Fester!” Penny said, irritated. Before she jumped from the kitchen island to the floor, he held her, helpful, smiling at her sass. “I’m gonna find a neighbor,” she pushed him, playfully. “Ask for some sugar and thank him with my pregnant body. Do we even have neighbors? I hope we don’t. Do we have staff?”
“No, we don’t have neighbors and we do have staff. Soon you’ll see Downtown Abbey in mass here,” he snorted a laughter. “But you know, sweet baby, there are other ways of pleasuri—“
“I love them, but I miss you! You know?”
“But I’m right here!” he held her from behind.
Before they could get a little distracted with themselves, a viscous water broke on Fester’s floor and on his feet, more than any other place.
Penny turned around and stared at him, in panic.
“Don’t be scared,” he said, placing one hand under the back of her knees as he supported her back with the other, carrying Penny like a princess.
As he walked further in, holding her, the steam cleared just enough for Penny to see the setup. This wasn't just a bath. Fester had turned the entire room into a sanctuary. The massive tub was filled to the brim with warm, crystal-clear water, and he had surrounded it with more pillows and plush towels than a royal suite.
The scent wasn't just lavender and rosemary; it was also something grounding, something powerful.
"Fester... what is all this?" Penny whispered, her hand instinctively caressing her enormous belly.
He stared at her, his dark eyes shining with a devotion that was almost frightening as he undressed her. "The hospital is too cold, baby girl. Too bright. Too many strangers..." He gestured to the glowing, warm water. "Here, it’s just us, safe in the warmth. This is where our legacy begins, little baby."
He had thought of everything! The temperature, the silence, the protection... It was his way of saying that the world outside didn't exist anymore. Only them.
Only her.
As he kissed her forehead, he gently placed her in the tub.
Penny cried out loudly, as she pushed.
“Come on, sweet baby, you can do this!”
“You said this shit would be less painful here!” she cursed, angry. “As opposed to where?”
He gave a little laugh, touching her, wearing surgical gloves.
“You’re wearing gloves? Like some doctor?” she gasped at each contraction. “That’s so sexy!”
“You—you think?” he smiled awkwardly. Penny looked in much more pain now. “Again, little baby! Push!”
Penny cried old, holding one of his hands.
“It’s almost there, baby! Be brave! Push!”
Then, the most magical being popped out of Penny, slipping through the bathtub floor. Fester grabbed the little thing, helping him breathe and cry.
“What is it?” Penny asked, moved.
“It’s a girl!” he replied, in tears.
“Something—something isn’t right...” Penny shifted uncomfortably.
As Fester touched the girl’s belly, he paled even more than his usual self.
“I—I hadn’t anticipated that...”
He looked very concerned.
“Fester Addams, I want to know exactly what is happening! Now!”
“And so you shall... Sweet baby, they’re twins! This baby is in transverse lie. Oh, we need a doctor, Penny. This is—this is bad!”
“No, you don’t do that to me and Renesmée now! She will be born. You can do that! You can do anything, Fester!”
As Fester touched and massaged Penny’s belly trying to help the baby change position, he said, vexed, combining the annoyance with the events and her new idea.
“If you’re gonna name this twin ‘Renesmée’, that assuming it’s a girl and I hope it isn't, then I’ll name the other! Don’t worry, I won’t punish her like you just did.”
“If it’s a boy, E.J. Edward Jacob,” she quoted from the movie, gasping in pain and jesting.
“This isn’t funny, Penny, not now! You made me watch that crap way too many times! Our boy won’t be called that! I draw the line here!”
“Wait till I make you read the books...” she tried to laugh.
Finally, to Fester’s relief, Penny started pushing, biting her lower lip to the point of bleeding.
“It’s all right, sweet baby,” he gently pulled her lip from behind her teeth. “Don’t hurt yourself. Oh, you’re such a good girl, Penny!” he praised her, grabbing the other baby, as it cried. “It’s Renesmée. Well, guess it can’t be helped...” he sighed.
As Fester dressed the other twin, he placed them in a cradle next to Penny. Both wore silky, fancy dark clothes, with small waiters bow-tie.
“Sweet outfits!” Penny croaked. “ Where did you buy those?”
“They were Pubert’s. But now he doesn’t need it anymore.”
Fester using second hand stuff? There had to be a reason for that! But Penny decided not to ask.
“He looks a lot like his father now...” remarked Penny, thoughtful.
“Oh, I hope those little girls don’t look like me!” Fester exclaimed.
“Yeah, me too,” Penny laughed lightly.
“You weren’t supposed to say that about Resnemée and Daenerys!”
“What?” Penny laughed, incredulous. “Now, that’s quite a pair!”
“Glad you liked it.”
“Though I did most of the work here, and I want her name to be Cersei.”
“Nice try, sweet girl, but I was an integral part of the process. Cersei is a nasty character and I veto!”
“Cersei is a strong woman! You like the Khaleesi so much because you didn’t get to the season finale! You have no idea of what she does!”
“I don’t wanna know!” he covered his ears, as Penny smiled, amused. “When you’re better, I’d like us to recreate all the Khal Drogo scenes. I mean, only the important ones.”
“Absolutely!” Penny barked with laughter.
She hadn’t noticed it before but there was a bed in the bathroom, much larger than a cot, where Fester placed Penny, covering her in silk sheets and delivering her the two little burdens, as the girl nursed them.
“He really is perfect... Thought about everything...” Penny thought, moved.
“Merry Christmas, baby girl,” he said, kissing Penny’s sweaty crown, as the girl smiled and closed her eyes, overwhelmed with emotion.
“If it’s an Iron Throne what she wants, she shall then have one,” Fester thought, waiting till his new family went to sleep. Then he went to find an item as faithful as possible to the original.
