The Rat Kid Survives the Apocalypse

The metal of the shovel screeched against the glass neck of the damn monster. My hands were burning. Hundreds of small cuts, courtesy of it and its companions, covered my arms and torso; it was as if I’d gotten into a fistfight with a blender. Every muscle in my body protested with exhaustion, but the son of a bitch at my feet was trembling, and that was enough.

[“So, you’re pretty brave, huh,“] I smirked at it. Then, I looked up at its two older brothers, those aberrations watching us from the other end of the hall.

[“What’s the matter, you sons of bitches? Aren’t you going to help your little friend?“]

I taunted them, my mouth twisted into a smile that definitely didn’t reach my eyes.

[“GRYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA”]

The one I had pinned down whimpered in pain as I put my weight on the shovel. The vibration shot up my arms, making every cut burn like hell.

But that desperate screech was music to my beautiful ears.

[“You got the balls to hurt the rat kid’s vixens?“] I whispered, though the question was for the other two.

I wanted them to see this.

For them to know the consequences of provoking me, but above all, for them to fall for the trap and just fucking attack already.

[“GRYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA”]

[Kekekeke]

Cloaked in the desperate wail of this damn aberration, I couldn’t help but laugh.

I laughed from the bottom of my heart. You see that, you motherfuckers? You see what happens when you touch my clan?

Unfortunately, this moment of almost sadistic satisfaction had to end.

My vision started to blur at the edges. The accumulated fatigue, the blood loss… it all threatened to bring me down.

[“I thought we were having fun…“] I said, my voice an echo in my own ears, which were still ringing from their shrieks.

The other two monsters, the “Vitrum,” began to move, their murderous intent almost palpable.

[“AHAHAHA!“] I laughed, a delightful, unhinged sound. Maybe I had already gone crazy. Or maybe, this madness was the only sanity possible now.

[“WHY’D YOU STOP SINGING TO THE RAT KID, YOU SONS OF BITCHES?!“]

My taunt was the last straw. With a cry that sounded like a thousand windows shattering at once, they charged.

[“NOW!“] Louise’s voice roared.

All hell broke loose. A sea of fire erupted from the shelves around me, creating a wall of constantly advancing flames. The smell of burning plastic and discount clothes filled my lungs.

But even enveloped in that suffocating inferno… I couldn’t stop laughing.

Through the flames, I saw the abomination lunging at me.

Then, Louise’s desperate voice reached my ears.

[“ASTRAAAAADDDDDD!“]

“Kekeke…”

Apocalypse, you son of a bitch, come suck the rat kid’s dick.

................

Greetings from your friendly neighborhood rat kid.

My name?

We rat kids don’t have names: we are shadow, we hunt in the shadow…

And when I say I’m the shadow, I mean I’m in the dark in my room with the computer as my only light source.

And when I say I hunt in the shadow, I’m talking about the unsuspecting internet users I spoil things for.

User 1: Damn it, I haven’t even gotten to that chapter yet.

User 2: You jerk, the anime isn’t even at that part.

User 3: Forget the anime, the manga isn’t either!

User 4: You scum, die you bastard.

User 1: You better hope I never find out who you are.

GYAJAJAJAJAJA! Yes, go on, hate me. Your anger feeds me. GYAHAHAHAHA.

Your desperation paints a smile on my face.

Your resentment… it… it… ahem… GYAJAJAJAJA!

Today I posted 300 spoilers, 400 absurd critiques, and belittled 150 free novel translations.

[Today was a great day.]

It was just as I was muttering my joy that the world decided to slap me across the face.

“Network offline.”

That’s right: the internet was gone.

What kind of South America is this?... Oh, right, it is South America. Tsk.

I thought nothing worse could happen in this cruel and unjust existence.

I was wrong.

[Now the power’s out.]

Oh, gods… oh, humanity…

Woof.

As I despaired in my desperation, it was my cute pet dog, Zeus, who got my attention. It’s no exaggeration to say he’s my best friend, almost the only being for whom I’m willing to leave the rat cave—to get him food and water.

Still, I swore never to leave him alone with the rat kid’s future girlfriend…

Have you read that guy’s life? So jealous… I mean, sick. How sick.

Why did I give him that name even knowing that?

Of course, I didn’t know at the time, you idiot.

woof

Oops, I got off-topic.

The important thing is that, from the rays of light seeping through the curtain, I deduced it was daytime.

And when things get this bad, one must make reckless decisions. A forbidden act, one that defies the natural order. Oh, youth. Oh, foolishness.

[For now, let’s open the window.]

I’m not talking to myself, okay? I’m talking to Zeus.

With the air of a martyr, I pull back the curtain.

And I’m immediately struck by the brutality of the outside world: sunlight.

Ugh. And fresh air.

I know, I’m a disgrace to the rat kid lineage, but the power is out, I have no choice.

[So pretty…]

I can’t help but murmur.

The first thing that hits me in the face is the planet in the sky.

It has a blue tone, but not a pretty blue: more like the color of an abandoned, fungus-filled swimming pool.

From the planet’s surface, beams of light shot out—some thin as needles, others thick as towers—stabbing into the earth. One of them was piercing the old river bridge, the one that connected our town to the nearby city.

“BZZZZHHHHMMMM.”

The cars trying to cross were left floating midway, as if someone had hit ‘Ctrl + Z’ on physics. First debris, then the cars, and finally all the traffic rising toward the sky, sucked up as if by a celestial vacuum cleaner.

[So pretty…]

Without the smile leaving my face, I silently close the curtain and get into my bed.

[Those are the consequences of going against the rat kid code. Yes, I understand my mistake.]

I cover myself completely with my bedsheet. Of course, I brought Zeus with me. For now, let’s just sleep, yes.

“Fools, altering the natural order of things.” The image of a certain crow from a certain cartoon enters my mind. I’m sorry…

…..

By that point, I was already aware.

That wasn’t a pretty sight or a space ornament. It was a fluorescent sign written in a universal language that said:

(Game Over, suckers.)

Why did I hide under the bed?

Pfff, I wasn’t hiding… I was devising a master plan, you understand?

Yes, a high-level strategic plan, the kind that can only be conceived in the fetal position, wrapped in sheets like a depressive burrito, tears included, clinging to your dog as if it were your last human shield.

That’s how brilliant the plan was.

Woof.

…Shut up, dog.

...............

It took about three hours for the power to come back on.

How do I know? Obviously, because I have a phone. What era are you living in, the stone age? Are you retarded?

Woof.

You’re right, Zeus. If the power is back, the least I can do is check what the hell is going on.

Television, do your sacred duty of standing in for the internet when there’s no other choice.

However, even though the power came back, the internet still hasn’t. How do I know? Easy: because the mystical lights on the sacred global connection device—also known as the router—aren’t all lit up. That means some dark god decided to punish me. Could it be because I haven’t made the proper sacrifices? Okay, let’s look for a virgin later.

Anyway, every time I opened the window, the planet was still there. Giant. Like an awkward neighbor glued to your window who won’t leave even if you ignore them. And not just that: there were also golden rays falling from time to time, extremely weird explosions, and pieces of the sky glowing as if they were graphical glitches in a poorly optimized video game.

But I’m a rat kid, so I know what’s happening: what my eyes are showing me is bugged. Reality isn’t reliable.

That’s why I need a serious source.

The internet… oh, the internet…

Since it’s not back yet, I’ll have to settle for the news. Yes, the news, which has the same credibility as a politician on the campaign trail.

I turn on the television.

[“A few hours ago, a light suddenly enveloped the entire city, and a new planet with an appearance similar to Earth appeared in the sky. No one knows what is happening exactly, the authorities have not yet made a statement, but…“]

[KYAAAAAAAAA]

[Help, please, save me!]

[Run, run!]

[NOOOOOO]

[MY LEG! IT ATE MY LEG!]

The reporter was being all professional, but suddenly the camera spun around and showed the real scene: people running, screaming, bleeding. And there were the things attacking them… wolves? Giant ants? Is that a wasp the size of a car? Wait… was that a goblin? Can someone call Goblin Slayer, please?

[“As you can see, this is not the time to worry about those things. For several hours, dozens of strange creatures like these have appeared throughout the city and are attacking people. We don’t know what they are, but what we can say is that if they contin—…“]

I turned off the television.

After all, you can’t trust the news.

Woof.

Exactly, Zeus agrees with me. That reminds me I haven’t given him his food yet.

[“Help, aaaahhh”]

[“Nooooo!“]

[“What is that thing?“]

[“Police, call the police!“]

The screams were seeping in through my window just as I was thinking about Zeus’s kibble.

Clearly, some neighbor was just playing their TV show too loud. I’ll complain to the police later.

Woof.

And so, with all the logic in the universal universe, I decided the next step was to prepare my lunch. And while I was at it, Zeus’s too.

After all, the priority in an apocalypse is clear: eat before you die.