Stumbles the Clown

Once upon a time at the local county fair, the carnival was in full swing with rides, booths, food and all that makes summertime fun for all ages. The grounds were filled with kids, parents, and grandparents riding the rides and playing the games as they had for many summers past.

Tonight, the general manager, Stumbles the Clown ™ had to fill in at the Ring Toss booth when agents of the health department showed up with the town sheriff in tow.

This is his story.

“We would like to speak to whoever is in charge,” the lead health inspector, Ed Poole, asked the clown running the ring toss booth. His badge shone like a star reflecting the bright lights surrounding the booth.

“That would be me,” Stumbles replied with a drunken slur. “What can I do for you?”

“These plush toys you give as prizes, where do you get them?” Poole asked, pointing to the stuffed monkey hanging overhead.

“I got them from a carnival supply company,” Stumbles replied. “I get all my supplies from them. Why do you ask?”

“Last night one of our agents won your game, difficult as it was and you awarded her a plush Zebra. Just like the one on the floor by your feet. We had the toy tested and the results were problematic at best.”

“Did your agent try to eat it?” Stumbles asked. “I don’t understand the problem. We give those out all the time, and nobody ever complains.”

Poole produced the lab report and before he read it aloud, announced that all the games were shut down immediately. “According to the tests performed, your plush toys are filled with a mixture of asbestos and shredded fiberglass.

The fur has Mercury residue and the metal snaps and zippers are radioactive. In other words, you are poisoning everyone who wins a prize.”

Stumbles thought for a second and had an epiphany (a profound, sudden moment of insight or realization that reveals a deeper truth, often changing one’s perspective, behavior, or life direction).

“Now that you mention it, I did have to fill in tonight. My regular guy called in sick. He said he had diarrhea, shortness of breath, fatigue, as well as blood running out of his eyes, ears, and mouth.”

“So you’re saying you had no idea your plush toy prizes were deadly?” Poole asked.

“I thought he caught if from eating from one of our food trucks. Have you seen the crap we sell? The last time I had a funnel cake I puked my guts out and shit my pants.”

“Does any other employees of yours have symptoms like he did?” Poole asked.

“I don’t know for sure,” Stumbles replied. “People come and go so often it’s hard to keep track of them all. We get a lot of vagrants that work for a weekend, leave and never see them again.”

Just then Poole noticed the smell of rotting flesh and said, “When is the last time you cleaned this booth? Do you smell what I smell?” he asked the other health department employees and the sheriff.

“I don’t think we ever really clean it. There is no reason to,” Stumbles replied. “How dirty can a ring toss booth get?”

“I think we should call in the cadaver dogs,” the sheriff said. “I smell it as well and the odor is strong here.”

Stumbles shrugged his shoulders and reached for the “Out of Order” sign that was stored behind the ring toss rack out of public view when he noticed a set of legs buried under a pile of assorted plush toys. “Holy shit!” Stumbles said aloud. “I think I found the problem.”

“What is it?” Poole asked.

“I think I found one.”

“One what?” the sheriff asked.

“One of our former employees, I think. He’s wearing our t-shirt, and I can see his hat with our logo off to the side.”

The sheriff stepped up into the booth and pushed Stumbles aside to look at the dead body. “Holy fuck!” the sheriff barked. “Call the Hazmat team and get them down here as soon as possible. Fence off this entire area and shut down the carnival now!”