Chapter 1 (My first meal)
I continued to devour her down to the last sip. Each drink felt amazing as it rushed down my stomach. I was entranced completely with the feeling of consuming as much blood as my body could hold. The woman lying on her bed was awake as her hand was twitching slightly while she was paralyzed. I could see her eyes in the reflection of the mirror while I feasted on her.
The womans underwear was soaked from the feeling of being consumed as the dopamine my fangs left into her body made her high. Her eyes were a beautiful baby blue and jet black hair flowed covering her exposed torso. She had a beautiful body with glowing skin with the shadows on the candles revealing it like a dirty pleasure.
Grabbing her twitching hand holding it as I pulled my fangs out of her neck as she came back to reality. She looked at me smiling with her pupils as large as the moon outside. I was on top of her as my dark robes dropped to the wooden floor beneath us. She grabbed the back of my hair and brought my face close to hers.
I could smell the fresh blood coming from her neck still dripping out of her making me hungry for more. She pressed her soft lips on mine. I grabbed her tongue with my teeth starting to suck on it as I pressed my fingers gently to her underwear. She let out a gasp as I bit her tongue. My ferocious nature started to come out again. She started to moan as one of my fangs latched onto her tongue sucking her blood from her mouth.
I used my strength to rip her underwear off as my fingers went into her soaked pussy. She felt like I had just stuck my fingers into the ocean. I shoved them deep inside her as the moans became more muffled as she swallowed her spit gasping for air. My fingers were so deep inside her I could feel the back of her walls.
The smell of pure ecstacy filled the night sky. Her moans became louder as she pushed faster onto my fingers. Suddenly I felt the rush and shake of her body as her pussy clamped onto my fingers releasing everything she had on them. The night became still as candles had blown out from our ferocity. All that was visible was the reflection of the moon's light into her bedroom.
I pulled out my fingers watching the mix of her fluids and speckled blood as I licked it off. I put my head between her legs putting both of my fangs into it. She started to freak out as her body was so sensitive from climaxing so hard.
After a while of me sucking her blood and Fluids, she calmed back down as her eyes rolled back from a final time. My fangs felt the last drop of blood hit my mouth as she faded away.
I unlatched from her and covered her with the blankets, and got ready to leave through bedroom from the window. “Dont make another move you foul leech” voices echoed from below her room. I smiled looking down at the police wiping my fangs off and pulling my robe hood up as I got ready to have my main course.
Okay - First off let me say the writing was intense with lots of description. What it lacks is editing, particularly with spacing the dense text out into at least a few paragraphs. Having it all as one complete paragraph makes it hard to read and actually ruins the pacing of the scene. Also watch out for repetition in the sentences - in the first three sentences the main character basically repeats the phrase 'as I could'. You should try and vary what words you use - a thesaurus is good for helping find alternative words that essentially convey the same meaning without being repetitive. Finally - what is the main character's name? I know this is all being told from their perspective but we have no idea who they are. Even a name can help establish identity, although some form of description about their appearance could also work.