for you only

March 23rd 2004

Dear Diary, I Messed Up!

He asked me! Daniel asked me to be his girlfriend today behind the main hall.

I can’t even type straight because my hands are shaking so much. He looked me right in the eyes and told me he loves me. For the first time, I feel like I have a future outside of Daddy’s strict rules. I am the happiest girl alive.

April 2, 2005 | 9:30 PM

Dear Diary,

Daniel asked me to marry him!

I am definitely going to say yes... yes... YES!

He actually said the words out loud: “Marry me.” I was so surprised! I felt like I knew him so well, yet I was still completely speechless.

Ta, tun ta... Be happy for me! I can’t wait to tell my family. They are going to be so shocked!

April 22nd

Daniel keeps insisting. He says if I really love him, and since we are going to get married anyway, we shouldn’t wait.

He held my hands tightly and promised me that I am already his wife in his heart.

He swore on his life that he will marry me the moment we finish S6. I am scared because of how strict things are at home, but I trust him completely. He is my escape.

May 4th, 2005 | 10:00 PM

Dear Diary,

I did it! I finally said yes to the big question. I gave him the one thing he has been begging for all this time, and honestly, now I wonder why I waited so long.

We are getting married soon. He promised me, and Daniel would never lie to me. Everything feels so completely different now.

Dorah told me to be careful today after school. She is my best friend, but sometimes I think she just doesn’t understand how happy I am. I can’t wait for the future and all the big plans we talked about. It feels like my whole life is finally falling into place.

May 10th, 2005 | 1:00 PM

Dear Diary,

No... no, I can’t believe it. He is supposed to be mine, not hers.

Seeing them together made my blood run completely cold. It was Lisa Kutesi, wearing a short skirt and a tight blouse, standing right next to him. I felt completely sick to my stomach.

I screamed at him through my tears. I let out all my hurt and anger, but he just laughed in my face. They both did. Did he only use me? Was our whole relationship just a cruel bet to him?

No, please, I don’t want to believe it. I can’t.

May 15, 2005 | 11:30 PM

Dear Diary,

Help me... how do I stop this heavy weight in my chest? When will I be able to breathe again without it hurting so badly?

He is gone. It is completely over between us. He didn’t even have the decency to tell me in private. Instead, he announced it at lunchtime.

The worst part? He was still holding my hand tightly while he said it, making my whole life look like a joke.

I felt like I died right there on the spot. Everyone was staring, pointing, and whispering. How do I face tomorrow? How do I ever show my face at school again?

I am so embarrassed. Even Dorah saw it. Oh, my sweet friend, I should have listened.

He lied. He lied about everything. The moment I gave in, the moment I surrendered everything to him, he changed.

The whole school knows. My life is completely over.

The bright pink diary slid from my grip, thudding softly against the tiles on the floor. I lay curled up on my bed, fighting another wave of tears. I knew I had to pick it up, but I left it there. I couldn’t bear to stay upright.

Wrapping my arms tightly around my knees, I let the stifling stillness weight of the dark room press down on me.

My chest ached so violently it felt like something was physically cracking inside me. Just a few days ago, my head had been filled with the sweet sound of wedding bells and Daniel’s beautiful promises.

Now, those dreams were dead, replaced by the crushing reality of being utterly abandoned, humiliated, and embarrassed by my own schoolmates. The transition from being his future wife to a complete laughingstock was too fast to process.

The phone beside my bed rang, and I jumped. The harsh, piercing ringtone made my chest tighten. It hadn’t stopped buzzing since that disaster at school. I knew exactly who it was.

The popular kids, calling from hidden numbers just to laugh at me. Before it could ring a third time, I grabbed the handset and hurled it against the bedroom door with all my strength.

The plastic casing cracked open, and the battery went skittering across the floor. At least now it was quiet. No more taunting. No more vicious whispers the second I pressed answer. I knew Dad would be furious.

It was an expensive Nokia he had bought to show off my status, but I didn’t care right now. I just wanted to be left alone.

A heavy, hollow ache settled deep in my chest. I felt completely empty. I just needed to block everything out, because nobody could ever understand how much this hurt. How was it all over? How did my life completely crash in just a couple of days?

I touched my head, my temples throbbing with a brutal headache from all the crying. I felt completely broken, but the worst part was that I could still feel his touch on my skin. A part of me craved that still.

Then, his cruel words flooded my mind. “It’s over. Did you really think I would leave her for you?” His face was twisted with disgust, his eyes burning with an unprovoked anger as he looked down at me.

No, this wasn’t real. This wasn’t happening—not to me, not to us. I needed it to stop. I stepped into the shower, hoping the distraction would help. I needed to wipe him off—his touch, his scent, everything that connected me to him. I turned the water on hot, desperately trying to wash the feeling away.

I could still see the smug look on Lisa’s face. She knew about his little bet all along. Then came the awful, roaring laughter from the crowd and the cold stares. Everyone pointed at me like I was a joke, a free show for their entertainment.

Even my best friend didn’t stay. She sneaked away the moment they started laughing. But then, why would she help me? I had pushed her away first. I had ignored every single one of her warnings, and now I was paying for it.

As the memories rushed back, a sob ripped out of me. My tears mixed with the streaming shower water and ran straight down the drain. I was never going back to that school. It was just too humiliating. I had lost everything in a matter of days.

My dignity, my safety, and my oldest friend. Most of all, I had lost him. He had been everything to me, and now he looked at me like I was just a massive mistake. He acted like he had been forced to be with me, completely ignoring me in the hallways as if I didn’t even exist. Did I ever really exist to him?

The question echoed hollowly against the wet tiles, and the sheer weight of it made my legs buckle all over again. Sliding my back down the slick wall of the shower stall, I collapsed onto the floor, pulling my knees tight against my chest.

I rocked back and forth, feeling the pain, loneliness, and guilt rip right through me. It was my first ever decision to stand, my first love, and my first loss.

The water continued to drench my hair, but I barely felt it anymore. Everything I had done—every lie I had told my father, every late-night escape—had been a desperate attempt to own my own life. I had chosen Daniel because he felt like freedom.

Now, sitting on the wet floor of the shower stall, the realization that my first taste of independence had ended in total ruin was a bitter pill to swallow. I was entirely alone in the dark, paying the highest price for a love that had never truly belonged to me.