Chapter 1
Adam
“Gemma?” I mumbled, trying to release my words.
They felt strained and alien as I struggled to speak.
I felt lethargic.
Numb, except for the pain that struck every time I tried to move.
A pain surged through my head as if my brain were about to explode.
Julianna peered down at me as my blurry vision began to clear, watching the annoyance cross her face, but her smile remained.
The last thing I remember was leaving the train station and racing towards the next in my van, hoping to catch Gemma before she left.
That part was clear, but I didn’t know where she was headed or if she’d ever be back.
I never made it to the next station to find out. Instead, I found myself lying motionless in a hospital bed.
I couldn’t keep up with a speeding train as the panic of losing Gemma took over, and I lost control.
Not many are lucky enough to survive a head-on collision with a tree, but I was mostly unscathed.
Minor injuries, thankfully.
By attempting something unattainable, I put myself and others in danger for an unrealistic motive, and I still let her slip through my fingers.
“She’s not here,” Julianna said bluntly. “She doesn’t want you. That’s why I’m here, and she isn’t.”
“Why are you here?” I asked, still trying to piece everything together.
“Because I’m the only one who loves you. We love you,” she smiled, confusing me further as she placed her hand on her stomach. “I was going to wait until you were home and well enough, but why wait?” She paused. “We’re having a baby!” she said, ecstatic about the news, but my head was a mess.
How?
We were no longer together.
I didn’t love her.
I was with Gemma, planning a future with her, not Julianna.
How could Julianna be pregnant?
Why now?
Thousands of questions were running through my mind, but I knew the answers.
I knew how biology and the reproductive system worked, but we hadn’t had sex in months, not since I discovered Gemma was back in town, and I cheated on Julianna.
I ended my relationship with Julianna straight away, and we haven’t slept together since.
She must’ve been pregnant before the break-up, but I cheated on her.
How could she be standing here today, acting happy about the news as if nothing had happened?
She spoke as if we were still together.
She spoke as if she were ready to play happy families, referring to the house we shared as home, but the last I remember, I was living back with my parents, in my childhood home.
We’d planned to sell the house and go our separate ways, not start a family together.
Is that the reason why Gemma left?
Did she know?
Did Julianna imply we were still together and expecting a baby?
Is that the reason she ignored my calls and texts?
Seconds before the crash, I remember frantically trying to contact her, distracting myself from the road to tell her whatever she heard was wrong.
I wanted to tell her my version.
I wanted to tell her the truth, but she wasn’t prepared to hear it.
Instead, she left without a single word.
Like the first time, she left, not knowing the truth, and I feared it would be years before I got the chance to see her again.
I wanted Julianna to leave.
I didn’t want to hear how insistent she was that Gemma didn’t love me.
I didn’t want to hear how Julianna was adamant she’d forgiven me and that we could try again.
Apparently, she understood what it must feel like to have an ex back on the scene and the feelings it could cause.
Apparently, I was caught up in nostalgia.
I was desperate to rekindle the fun times, but that’s all it was. Fun.
She insisted that what we had was real and that I should be with her, not Gemma.
She was adamant that Gemma and I would’ve worked the first time if we were meant to be together, but her theory was contradictory.
We didn’t work the first time, either.
What made Julianna believe she was any different?
Did she think trapping me with a baby would make us stay together?
She handed me the pregnancy test for confirmation.
She was definitely pregnant.
She wanted to pick up where we left off, before Gemma, but she didn’t realise that Gemma came before everyone else.
She was my first, and I was convinced that nobody could ever come close.
Over the coming days, before I was discharged from the hospital, I sat alone, deep in thought, as the silence from Gemma grew louder.
I’d sit, emotionless, as I stared at the pregnancy test in my hands.
The word pregnant was glaring back at me.
I wasn’t ready for a baby.
I didn’t want to become a dad.
For a brief moment with Gemma, the thought of starting a family made me happy.
It was a future I could envision.
It was a future I would’ve been happy with.
A future I could’ve looked forward to, but not with Julianna.
An unplanned pregnancy was the last thing I wanted, but I knew there was nothing I could do about it, except wish that things could’ve been different.
I wish things had worked out differently with Gemma, and I wish I weren’t in this position.
I needed time to adjust.
I needed time to wrap my head around it.
I needed to come to terms with the idea of being a father.
I knew I could be a good dad. I knew I could be supportive, but I didn’t need to be in a relationship with Julianna for that to happen.
I could co-parent, and hope that one day, Gemma would come back to me.
She could be a part of it, too, but I knew nothing in life falls into place so easily.
I wasn’t hopeful.
A part of me knew I should’ve handled everything with Gemma differently.
I should’ve been honest with her from the start, without all the lies and deceit, and a part of me knew I’d blown it.
I wanted to kick myself for hurting her all over again.
I wanted to kick myself for being so stupid.
She was gone because of me.
