What is your opinion?
Victoria Tales
"I really enjoyed 'watching' the characters, and this tale would definitely one I'd be interested to read. I also love the title and the plot overall. Things you could improve: I was confused at times about what was going on. You referred to one of the girls as the girl in a dialogue - which is usually good, but there I had to read over the past. Perhaps give a little more grounding about the characters without being too clear for the sake of the 10-12 year olds. Yes, they might like simpler language most of the time, but one of the tips I've read by an author was not to make things simpler for children, as they like to think and books teach them vocabulary. Other than that, I really enjoyed the story. Good luck with the book! I hope this helped!"
Victoria Tale: The Missing Children
"What drew me to your story was the premise, as I myself am a Sword Art Online fan and from the mentioning of ‘full dive’ technology I’m assuming you are too. Stories like these definitely have the potential for mass market success, however I wasn’t drawn in by your first chapter enough to make me carry on reading. One of the greatest pieces of advice that was given to me was to start your story at chapter 2, ie. forget about all the introductions and trivial information and ‘full dive’ into the plot, so to speak. There’s no reason why you can’t start us in the game itself - that would definitely be more engaging, unless you had a good reason for showing us the purchase ect. If you did, I’m afraid for me it didn’t translate, as I found myself by the end of it knowing nothing about characters except for their hair colour, and therefore I didn’t care about them. Readers have to care for your characters from the start, and I couldn’t even identify a solid protagonist. On top of that, your writing style is very choppy. It was a lot of ‘She did this. He did that. This happened.’ I suggest going over some grammar techniques to help your writing flow better and give it personality. Choppy sentences work for a certain emphasis on something but not if they’re overused. Overall your story has potential, don’t get me wrong, just work on your writing style and engaging the readers more. Make me want to root for these people no matter what. Add tension. Add stakes. And bring it all in the first chapter."
