Hurt

character chart: Kim seokjin (JIN ), Kim Namjoon ( RM ), Min yoongi ( SUGA ) , Jung hosoek ( HOBI ), Park jimin ( JIMIN ), Kim taehyung ( V ), Jeon Jungkook ( JK ), Y/n/ reader.

y/n has been a part of BTS since 2018, she wasn't aware they will accept her as easily as they did. It's hard for y/n to be trustworthy of anyone, maybe that's why regardless of how well the 7 members treat her, she always maintained a good distance for the first 3 years. The members are so adorable and respectful with her, they never made her feel excluded though she was a bit socially distant and didn't volunteer to speak up to be included in group meetings. The members never let that happen they always communicate well, they believed that fights and arguments make teams/friends stronger and closer. No matter how angry one is they all take some time and come back to speak up for themselves. This helped her grow her mindset better and stronger, she got out of her shell gradually. All this sounds too good to be true and maybe that's why it isn't. There's been something that keeps stressing her and keeping her on her toes around the members...

2018

manager: guys this is y/n our new addition to the team. she was selected through the audition that was judged by u guys too. Take care of her cuz she is still a minor. y/n do u wanna introduce yourself?

y/n : * I bow to greet them, reciprocating their kind and welcoming smiles * Hi I am y/n, currently 15 years old. Thanks for selecting me, I don't have much experience with anything but singing, so I am eager to learn from you all. Please guide me and take care of me well, Thank you again.

* everyone claps and RM speaks and the manager leaves them to settle down *

RM : Hi y/n we all share rooms here in pairs, let's decide today our new roommates. Since u are new we want u to pick first who u wanna share your room with .

y/n : * Since they introduced themselves during my audition and we spent a week training together with another girl who could've taken my place but I was selected. I am aware of their personalities a little bit and I don't wanna open up so much and talk a lot, so i choose SUGA * I wanna share a room with Suga hyung if he doesn't mind.

*the members giggle as they hear her call SUGA "hyung" its a word that means big bro that men use to address an elder guy, a girl uses the word "oppa" to address an elder guy. RM explains that to her *

( y/n is international trainee from a country of the reader's choice )

** 3 years into the group **

y/n still shares a room with Suga

Suga : y/n what r u doing? * its 4 am why isn't she asleep yet? lately she's been awake late nights and barely sleeps, I always find her staring at her phone screen * " y/n pls stop scrolling reels and just get some rest, we gotta practice a lot tomorrow. j-hope would not be happy to see u tired.. y/n? y/n.... Y/N !! " * huh? can she not hear me? *

*Suga walks over to y/n's bed to check on her, he extends his hand to tap on her shoulder and feels her skin burning hot *

suga : u r burning hot, do u want some meds? I suggest u sleep in, I can make u some food, get u meds and u take rest tomorrow too. I will inform j-hope.

y/n : don't worry hyung, I will go to practice tomorrow. I would love the meds tho could u pls get me some.

Suga : put that phone down and take rest pls.

*Suga leaves the room to get meds from JK since he's out of his emergency stash. meanwhile y/n walks into the kitchen to make herself some instant soup and a sandwich*.

Suga : JK can I borrow cold/fever meds pls, y/n seems to be burning up.

JK : *rubs his eyes open still half asleep, walks upto his first aid cabinet and rummages through it. he finds the meds and hands it over to suga. * " is she still awake? she has been very tired lately. is something bothering her? "

Suga : u know her.... the usual yes hyungs.. but she never listens to us. i am gonna make her some food.

JK : * yawns * I don't think I can sleep anymore, I will help u cook.

*They walk in to find y/n chopping up veggies with her earphones plugged in swaying slightly and humming*

Suga : didn't i ask u to rest?

y/n : *pulls her earphone out* " it's alright hyung, I made some soup for myself pls don't worry about me. thanks for the meds"

JK helps her assemble extra sandwiches and gives an upset glance almost out of sympathy. unable to understand why she never lets them help her. " don't worry about me" its her tagline at this point.

y/n chows down her food while listening to a podcast takes her meds and sleeps in, meanwhile JK an Suga start a convo in her absence.

JK : Why is she like this Suga hyung always awfully queit to the point that it worries me.

Suga : I believe she is just an introvert but do u think otherwise?

JK : I understand she is an introvert, but I find it weird she never shares anything with us. Have u ever heard her talk to her parents? ever heard her talk about anything with excitement. she keeps he guard up all the time as if we would bite her.

Suga : Now that u mention it.. I never heard her talk to her parents even in the room. I am pretty sure I only see her giggle at night while she reads some books. usually she is quiet doing something random. Her personality is the exact opposite when she performs, her expressions, reactions and excitement are boundless. I think I relate to her a lot. It seems like the only time her soul really shines is when she performs. people like this usually have a lot to share but maybe can hardly bring themselves to trust anyone to be vulnerable enough to show their emotions and share their thoughts.

*JK nods in understanding and picks up the empty plates and walks towards the kitchen. he peeks at y/n through the open door with plates in his hand and stands there for a moment wondering about what might be bothering her. he sighs heavily and walks away*

2021

7th April, y/n's 18th birthday

y/n : I know the members are really excited and are surely planning a surprise party but I really wish they didn't . I can't pretend to be happy when I am not and I am pretty sure I will bawl my eyes out the second they make me feel loved and wanted and start screaming and singing to me in excitement. I could lie that they are my happy tears but they clearly weren't born yesterday, maybe I can avoid it by ignoring them today. I can't help but feel that birthdays feel fake to me, all the happiness that I am alive and get to live longer is fucking fake! I don't believe this shit.

*y/n feels her chest close up and feels suffocated at the idea of people excited for her birthday when all she wants to do is not breathe. its gotten harder and harder to believe that she is wanted or needed, completely contradictory to how the world and the members try to make her feel loved. Members are probably the only ones that have been a stable adult figure in her life and she still maintains emotional, mental and physical distance from them regardless of their kindness. she leaves the group house as usual for university and plans to not return. the members wave her goodbye, offer to drive her to class. she denies them and leaves for the day. Nothing about today seems abnormal or sus to anyone.

after her classes end she wanders around the town aimlessly. the sunsets as she admires the nature, the buildings, the hustle and bustle of the crowd, the traffic noises and crowd helps deafen her thoughts as she drowns in the city noises. It gets darker and darker her endless walk seems to have just begun. this feels like she is free from all her responsibilties, no thoughts of schedules, classes or assignments.. just walk until she physically cannot anymore. Headphones in listening to one song on repeat since 2 weeks.

" promise by jimin " plays in her ears on a loop as she repeats the lyrics in her head by habit

I’m sitting alone,

only my mind wanders

Since when did you start hurting me?

See, you don’t even know ...

You’re hurting me too cause you’re mine

I just want to blow your mind

We’re drifting apart again

“I don’t even feel it” That’s what I say

But to be honest that’s not it

*the song plays in her head as she looks at the building in front of her. she walks up the stairs to the rooftop. her legs feels heavy with every step she takes to the edge of the rooftop and sits there dangling her legs. taking a deep breath in and when she exhales everything gets more clear, the lyrics finally feel like real words with meaning instead of just some melody that's been planted in her head for the last few weeks now, just melody until this very moment. she finally hears the words clearly.

I want you to be your light, baby

You should be your light

So that you won’t be in pain

So you can smile

I want you to be your night, baby

You could be your night

I’ll be honest with you tonight

[Pre-Chorus]

You’re hurting too ’cause you’re mine

I just want to blow your mind

We’re drifting apart again

“I don’t feel it” That’s what I say

But to be honest that’s not it

*she repeats the lyrics to herself as flashbacks set in and everything that haunts her, weighs her down, burdens her and makes her feel like a burden too... all the memories suffocate her as tears flow down uncontrollably. her phone rings repeatedly as the clock strikes 12am and its 7th April now, her birthday. she puts her phone on DND and looks down at the long distance between her and the cold ground, then she looks up to the stars and her throat aches to speak her thoughts as she mentally questions the sky if she can do it. A new wave of tears flow again as she wishes she was born into a better life*