Letters to my bias

Hi Nino!

This is probably the most parasocial thing I’ve ever done, but I’m going to be alone for a long time and this is the only way I feel I can keep some sort of company and sanity.

I’ve been in Seoul for a couple of days now and everything still feels weird. I made the decision to move to the other side of the world on a random Monday in September and now I’m here in December.

Life feels the same as it did a month ago, but I look out the window and everything is in another language. Not only that, but also in another script. It feels the same and so different at the same time.

Right now I’m sitting in a café after going to check out Jaeyun’s concert. It was the closing date for his tour, but you probably already know that.

I couldn’t get a ticket, but I still went to the venue to see the merch and just to be able to say I was there, you know?

And it was such a bittersweet experience.

Jaeyun is the reason I’m a fan of Deco. No matter what happens within the group or how I feel about anything related to you guys, he will always be the butterfly effect of me going “huh, who’s that guy?” and now I’m living in Korea.

However, the reason I’m writing these letters to you and not him is because through the years I’ve begun feeling like your on screen persona aligns more with me, so you’re my bias now. As you could imagine given the title of the series.

I will admit, it took me a while to come to terms with that.

Should I be telling you all this? Who knows.

My friends could say you’ve been my bias since 2019, when I first found Deco and became a Canvas, but I only started saying it this year. Actually the week after I said to my friend “fine I’ll admit it, Nino is my bias” is the week I got the email that I could apply for the visa to come live in Seoul.

I take it as the universe congratulating me for finally realizing who I am.

But I digress, let’s go back to Jaeyun’s concert, as I wouldn’t even know who you are if it wasn’t because he called my attention amongst hundreds of other idols.

Seeing him in concert would be a dream come true. Loving Deco from the other side of the world, my friends and I were satisfied with only seeing recordings of your concerts. That’s why I wanted to just go to the venue.

And It was magical.

You could feel the excitement, I had a weird sense of peace just by standing there, surrounded by bright pictures of him. I even found another girl from Chile there, and I hope we can become friends so I can have someone here, although I think she’s leaving soon, so her company here wouldn’t last long.

I even fell for the consumerism and bought a hoodie. It was probably outside my budget but it’s the only time I’ll be able to buy it without having to pay double for the shipping fees of sending it to Chile.

It’s been weird being in this country and not being on vacation. I think I still can’t really shake that feeling off of my head. I already hit the usual tourist spots and stores to check if there’s anything new since the last time I was here three years ago, as if I was going to run out of time. It’s weird and hard to comprehend that I still have several months left. What will my life even look like in three months?

One thing that makes me sad but my wallet happy, is that since Deco is an older group there’s not that much merch going around anymore. The other day I went to a store and all they had was one keychain with your face in it. Meanwhile younger groups had a full wall of merch.

I’ve always wondered what it was like when Deco was a younger group. I wasn’t into kpop then, so I’ve only heard about those golden years. I bet you guys had half the store full with merch.

Now it’s easy to tell which one of you guys have had a “controversy” because that’s the only merch I can find.

But now I’ve done all the tourist stuff I cared about, so I’m left just wandering around.

I feel a strange way of belonging.

I thought it was going to be jarring being so far away from home, but while I’m definitely aware I’m in another country which has a culture very different to mine, I feel like I’ve lived here for years.

I specially love the little details that help me remember that life can be pretty. Things like flowers on the sidewalks in spring, flower or other aesthetics on the subway doors, music to let people know the trains is arriving to the station.

Or maybe it’s just the fact that I haven’t worked in a while and the anxiety and adrenaline from a demanding office job is finally leaving my body, but those little details make things a little easier, a little better.

That being said, buildings here can be so ugly.

I get having to have as many as possible in order to accommodate the millions that live here, but they don’t have to be just grey blocks, you know?

I wonder what you think about them, do you even notice the little things? Do you care?

From what I see on your on screen persona at least, seems like you do. That’s why you’re my bias, after all. Just a few days ago you posted a picture of a small flower you saw on a walk.

Is this too cringey?

I go back and forth with wanting to post this and just delete it all. But wanting to have memories of my thoughts of this experience wins.

However, I would absolutely hate it if you found this, I guess I can hide behind the anonymity of the internet. Maybe you’ll find it cute? Also as far as I know your English is supposed to be bad and your Spanish worse, so I’ll tell myself that even if you did find it, you wouldn’t understand it.

I promise when more time passes and more things happen to me, I’ll stop talking about you and Deco so much, after all I do have a life outside being a fan. Or maybe I won’t because I’m living in your country now and everywhere I look I think about what you guys are doing and if you’re close to me or not.

Have I been outside the company while you guys were inside? I never stay for long so I don’t know. I see people film you leaving in your cars, and I always wonder if it’s from a day where I was there that morning.

Are your work schedules the same than a normal office when you’re not working in a comeback?

What do you do on a regular day?

Do you guys even still like each other?

With all the drama with the contract renewals, even the fandom is getting divided. Some people don’t even want you, Hanu or Hyunso in the alleged upcoming comeback.

I have faith the group will go back to having all the members. But as the days go by it’s getting harder to believe.

I just really wish I could know what goes behind the curtains. First, because I genuinely want to understand and hate living in the dark and not knowing what will come in the future. You guys have told us time and time not to worry, but it’s hard when we have only little nuggets of information and mountains of rumours.

The second reason is because I’m nosy to no end and I want to know all the fat juicy and messy details of what’s going on. I want the gossip! Who said what? Who do we hate? When Hyunso says you didn’t know about this or that event, is it true? Or are you just playing up for the cameras and covering for the members that knew and told you?

I definitely need to get friends soon, so I can start writing about things that actually happen to me, not just about me being a fan of Deco.

I just looked at my pictures to see what else I could tell you about and how could I forget! I had my first snowfall here!

Back in Chile it almost never snows. It has snowed probably like five times in my entire lifetime, so I was really excited to see it here. I went to one of the coffee shops close to my house and the baristas there had made little snowmen in the entrance and it was the cutest thing. I got to practice my Korean while asking them if it was ok to take a picture. The snow didn’t last until the next day, but I can’t wait until we get further into winter and see all the streets with snow.

One thing I can’t wait for is all the pictures I’ll get to take here. Like I said, there’s many things here that remind you life can be pretty, and I want to capture them to remember them. These letters are kind of the same, but with my feelings and thoughts. I don’t want to forget the experience and I hate writing a diary. I don’t know how to write a diary, but I know how to write a letter.

At least like this it feels like it has a meaning. I’ll probably never send it but it makes sense in my brain.

A diary won’t be read again.

Or maybe it will.

I don’t know.

I finished my coffee and to my brain that’s the “let’s wrap this up” signal and I’ve stopped making sense.

I really do hope you never find these letters because of how corny and cringey my love for you and Deco will be.

I’ll write again soon,

O.D.A.