ONE
"I'm sorry, I promise I'll not make it obvious", I say out as my eyes gets glassy from tears. "Asshole", he muttered beneath his breath as the snow flakes fell slowly onto his scarf that I learnt knitting to make, "Keep your promise to yourself, now I can't even think of fucking you without a fear of contacting what ever is wrong with you".
I stood there stunned. In the mist of all that was happening the only thing he could think off was how to sleep with me. And yes, maybe I was feeling lonely and cold from the winters breeze all of a sudden but I was desperate.
"You can still sleep with me, it's not contagious I swear".
He's right I really am an asshole. So desperate for a guy to love me and not dump me to the point of giving my body away knowing well he'll still toss me aside when he got what he wanted.
He laughed so loud that people in that Christmas event started to turn back to know why a couple as arguing in a festive season. "It's so funny how you're begging someone who isn't even loyal to you". My shy nature kicked in feeling everyone's eyes on me I broke as the tears flow slowly.
He probably got pissed then walked out leaving me there as the snow fell more. It was becoming hard to breath through the tear. He probably hated me so much that he forgot it was my birthday.
Hi I'm Noelle,
Noelle Briggs.
I live in California alone away from my parents off campus. A proud student of West Bridge University. I'm quite kept to myself really but I love people around me.
MORE THAN TEN YEARS AGO
I'd watch my dad look at my mom in the morning; not considering how messy she looked or how bad her breath was, he'd always call her beautiful. And I loved it so much until I found out it was called...
❤️LOVE❤️
I thought it was finding someone who made you smile without trying, someone who noticed the little things and stayed even when things weren’t perfect. I believed love meant feeling safe enough to be yourself without worrying that you would eventually become too much.
I loved the idea of being cared for. Not because I was incapable of standing on my own, but because there was something comforting about knowing someone genuinely wanted to be there for you.
To me, love was gentle.
It was warm conversations late at night, remembering someone’s favorite things, laughing over things that weren’t even funny, and doing little things just to make them happy.
I never thought love could make someone afraid to love again.
I believed that if you gave someone your heart, they would understand how precious it was.
UNTIL I TURNED 18
I was diagnosed with advanced lung cancer. My world fell apart my mom held me crying saying it would be alright. BUT
Why would she lie I'm their only child, what will she do when I leave. But what hurts more was that I wouldn't feel what my parent felt to each other. Was I really gonna die single and alone?
It's all kinda painfully funny though; cause all my ex's before him were like that. The moment they'd found out about my ailment they disappeared like they'd never met me before.
Back to now.
He just left me there drowned in my own tears. I tried to calm myself down thought flowing my brain of how it was probably my fault I got dumped in each relationship.
Maybe I was too clingy.
Or maybe I was complaining too much.
I was probably not submissive enough.
[BUT MY DAD WAS SUBMISSIVE TO MY MOM... WHERE DID I GO WRONG]
I don’t even know what hurts more; the fact that he left, or the fact that I actually believed he would stay.
I gave him parts of me I had never given anyone before. I trusted him. I loved him. And now I’m sitting here crying over someone who probably isn’t even thinking about me.
I keep wondering what I did wrong. Was I not enough? Did I love him too much? Or was I just stupid for believing his promises?
If I went to friends they would keep telling me that I’ll get over him eventually, but right now, I don’t want to hear that. I just want the pain to stop. I want to wake up and not remember that he chose to leave.
I hate that I still miss him.
And maybe that’s the worst part… knowing that even after everything he did, a part of me still wishes he would come back.
"Noelle Briggs, get it together. You're in public".
Thanks for reading