First

Apr 2004, Maida Vale, London, UK

The day had finally arrived. For more than a year since I moved to London, my boyfriend Leo and I had been living in shared flats, our lives a constant back and forth around other people’s dirty dishes and strange bathroom habits. Today that situation ended.

Like a good loving partner, Leo followed me and my dreams to live in this city. He had left his masters degree, his family home in Madrid all to be with me. He knew that his poor English skills would restrict him from securing a decent job and only managed to get office cleaning jobs. He hated every minute of it. His small salary, along with mine meant we had been stuck in shared houses with some unforgettable people.

Now everything was about to change. My promotion to assistant manager at the retail shop after a year of working hard meant we could finally afford our own studio flat. I didn’t care about the cost; the idea of not having to hide and secure my food or toiletries or deal with controversial hygiene manners in the bathroom was worth every penny.

We had unloaded the boxes and the few pieces of furniture we had collected from the rental car. Our new home was a rear ground-floor flat in a renovated five-story building. The place was compact but spacious. The rectangular layout felt surprisingly big. A black leather sofa on the right-hand side faced a double folding sofa-bed leaving plenty of space even when it was open. To the left a brand new kitchen shone opposite a four-seat dining table. At the far end there was a double-glass door that led to a huge patio which would be perfect for barbecues if the London weather allowed it.

I stood in the middle of the living area taking it all in. No flatmates. No shared spaces. Just us.

Leo locked the door behind him and the sound pulled me from my thoughts.

“Happy?” he asked, his voice soft as he wrapped his arms around me from behind and rested his chin on the crook of my neck.

“Yeah…” I answered while forcing a smile on my face as I looked back over my shoulder at him. The moment his arms went around me my body without thinking had tensed up. I tried to relax, to lean into his warmth but my shoulders stayed tight.

Things with Leo were great at the start. We worked together in Madrid, side by side in a team. My first impression of him was… Pretty average. Not tall, skinny, black hair, brown eyes, dressed in plain jeans and a cardigan since our office had no dress code. I don’t remember how or when I started feeling attracted to him but once it happened, I accepted his invitation for drinks one Friday after work, got drunk and ended up making out with him.From that moment on, we were inseparable. We worked together during workdays after classes and stayed together during the evenings and most weekends.

My plan to move to London had been set long before Leo. It was something I wanted to do since a long weekend when I turned eighteen: finish university, leave home and start a new life in the city of dreams. Leo had followed me without hesitation helping make that dream come true.

Two years. Two years together. The new relationship euphoria had long worn off. He probably noticed which would explain why in the last couple of months he’d been all hearts and flowers towards me. I was trying, really trying, to swoon over his attention to feel the same adoration he clearly offered… The truth was, if I had to try this hard wasn’t it already over?

My love life had always been like that, a furious cycle. I fell fast and hard swept up in the intensity. One minute I couldn’t breathe if my partner wasn’t nearby, the next I’d get annoyed by just listening to him breathe. The falling out of love was much, much faster. It always made me wonder if I had truly fallen in love in the first place. Surely real love didn’t just fade in a blink of an eye, right?

“I’ll go and return the car so we can focus on unpacking,” I said, pulling out of his arms the action feeling more like an escape than a gentle move. I gave him an almost automatic kiss on the lips.

“Do you want me to come with you?” he asked, his brow furrowing slightly a worry in his eyes.

“It’s okay. It’s only a five-minute drive.” I answered immediately, already at the door and walked out before he could offer again.

The tightness in my chest was back. I wanted things to be back to the start.I longed for the days for the excitement, the easy connection. Moving into a nice flat without the distraction of flatmates seemed like the perfect solution. A chance to get back to us. So why did it feel like the walls were closing in on me like I was being smothered before I had even started to unpack?

I ran up the stairs, sprinted towards the building entrance door and pushed the door open with more force than needed before stepping out into the cold London air. My eyes stayed closed, my chin up as I let the warmth of those rare sun rays hit my face. This wasn’t the time for another panic attack. Not now.

The 4-7-8 breathing technique did wonders for me in times like this. Take a deep breath for 4 seconds, hold for 7 and exhale forcefully through the mouth, pursing the lips and making a “whoosh” sound, for 8 seconds. I did it three times before my heart seemed to calm down and the loud beat in my ears eased. Then something new came over me, a weird tingling sensation, starting at my scalp and moving down my spine.

Opening my eyes, I focused on the rental car just outside the building and walked towards it trying to shake off the odd feeling.

My hand hovered over the door handle when I realised the tingling hadn’t stopped. It was still there, like a buzz under my skin. Then I noticed someone on my left peripheral vision was looking at me. Not a quick glance, an open direct stare.

My face turned, a mind-your-own-fucking-business glare when my eyes connected with his. Blue-greenish eyes. Unnervingly sharp. The tingling shot through me turning into an electrical shock that made my head do a little involuntarily shake for a couple seconds. My intended glare turned into a dumbfounded expression that I couldn’t shake. My body felt stuck on the ground like gravity had just gotten heavier. The guy was just... Wow.

Making eye contact with a total stranger was something I usually hated and would always look away quickly, and yet, I couldn’t peel my eyes off this guy as his look pierced into mine. For some unknown reason, I felt completely exposed to him.

My eyes finally managed to break the contact, the connection. My head started to respond to my brain’s delayed command, slowly turning back to the car as my hand finally latched onto the door handle.

I knew when he stopped looking at the back of my skull because the weight of his gaze, the pressure left me.

What the hell was that?

The loud thud of my building’s front door closing made me turn back again, an unexpected urge to see him one last time. I looked left then right, scanning the street even though I already knew. He wasn’t walking away. He had just gone into the building.

The guy, with the eyes, was most likely one of my new neighbours. My already complicated life had just taken a very interesting and electric turn.