Chapter 1
I didn't know that my feelings were like the seasons, changing in the blink of an eye until I started keeping a diary the summer after my brother died.
It was so simple. I took everything that was caged inside my heart and turned them into words. I put them on paper and for the first time in my life, I could touch my feelings.
My diary was my secret that held onto my other secrets when they became too much for me to hold on my own.
My thoughts were interrupted by the alarm on my phone going off. Then my attention was caught by Mrs. Pen doing a little scared jump at her desk.
"I will never get used to that alarm of yours always going off at random times." Mrs. Pen said as she composed herself.
I laughed a little and looked around at the empty classroom. I loved eating in this room during Mrs. Pen's free period, which happens to fall on my lunch break.
Mrs. Pen was my favorite teacher here at Bradly High. I admired her for the way she always cared about the struggling students in her class and how she never seemed able to tell a lie when you really needed to hear the truth. She was the only teacher who didn't start treating me differently after my younger and only brother died.
I had her my freshman year for English, but I didn't really get to really know her until this year. I also didn't start eating in her classroom on my lunch breaks until this year.
I always set my timer to go off at random times depending on how early I wanted to get to my next class. And yeah, it would be nice to tell Mrs. Pen when the timer is about to go off, but I live for her little unserious reactions.
I turned off the timer on my phone. "That's my cue to go." I said as I started to pack my things up.
"See you tomorrow." She said without looking up.
I was out of the classroom and halfway down the hall when I realized I forgot something in Mrs. Pen's room.
I did the walk of shame back to the classroom.
"I was wondering when you were going to notice. I'd be careful where you keep leaving that precious thing of yours. I'm guessing you don't want it falling into any hands, especially the wrong hands."
She always noticed when I left my diary, which seemed to be almost every day, and she always commented on it and that is why I did the walk of shame back here.
"Sorry, I was in a hurry."
"You're always rushing out of here. Care to finally explain why?"
I thought about telling her. I thought about sharing the thing only my diary knew. I thought about telling her how the girl with long nutmeg hair and beautiful brown eyes in my science class made my heart beat fast and my fears fade away. But I couldn't. I wouldn't because if I did, then all hell would break loose at home...on my swim team. It seemed like almost everyone I knew was religious, and with religion came views about everything and that included strict views about girls liking girls and boys liking boys and so forth. So no one would know except for my diary.
"Science class is my favorite class, so I like to get there early."
"Well, in that case I don't want to hold you up. I'll see you later, Mary."
I entered the classroom to see her sitting at her seat, which was at the table across from mine. Today she was wearing her hair in a high ponytail and she had on a crop top and ripped jeans.
I made my way to my seat and I was about to sit down when she called my name.
"Mary, why are you acting like a stranger? Come here!"
The truth is I knew her. I knew her really well. I knew her favorite color was red. I knew she wanted to be in the military once high school was over. I knew she loved to swim because she was on the swim team with me. And I knew she liked girls because she was my best friend and she was gay. Or she used to be my best friend. I distanced myself from everyone after my brother died and everyone kind of gave up on me after they saw that the accident changed me, but not her. She kept invading my space. She kept making noise, making sure I knew that she wasn't going anywhere. And in between all that I started to fall for her and she became my first girl crush.
Where AJ now gave me anxiety every time I saw him, Cara calmed my fears. Where AJ made me angry, Cara made me smile. Where AJ made me sad, Cara made me happy. Where AJ broke my heart, Cara fixed it.
I gave her a small smile before I took a seat at my table.
Cara gave me a pouty face before she said, "No matter. I'll talk to you at swim practice."
She knew very well that she'd do all the talking while I tried to politely keep my distance.
It wasn't long before Mr. Adams, our science teacher walked in the room and class started.
