Chapter 1
Always my dad was on my side telling me stuff then he one night said it. I must marry him. Because he felt bound to marry the women in his family. His mother took his flower so why not he takes all the flowers therein?
Take and take because that is what he should do that is what women do and he felt so akin to the women in there here and everywhere.
He sat on trees and settled on the thought that women are bad. They are worse than bad. They seek and speak bad deeds and are so very sorry afterwards, but he disliked them because they cowards. They came cowering later and said stuff. To him he did not care to be with them.
The simple solution was the women from the family the girls. They were so good looking and did nothing but think and they went to parties and did nothing but feel. So nice for him.
Because dad is a brilliant man does business as well as art he is supported by the entire clan.
I know I should not write about these matters, and one does not want to. Because they are personal and intimate and sometimes the family speak as if the whole process is about to make them sick.
He replaces the men he kills and then he does what the other man did and makes it business. The example is the doctor and that is why he is dangerous as well. He killed the doctor and took over his life then spent the rest of that life making his mistakes.
But the hospital grew.
As if that did not happen? Of course, it did because I saw it been done with it. I did not mean to tell but then the more I think about it the more I want to say. Then to become the president of an unrecognised country. That is dad.
"It will not be long before I do it for the recognised countries."
It is about personal life a man's career he is a great man.
"Think about all the good that he does."
"Well, dad does a lot of harm too." I would say and then I forgot that he was my father. I choose Fidel as my dad. He left me alone and he did nothing all day but think about his drink. His wallet the lack of money within his wallet.
"I am going to kill Fidel." Abdul dad said.
I said nothing and did not ask anything tried to pretend that dad did not exist.
I am this woman now worn out my welcome because dad is very popular. He has the best parties.
His charm exists to make me feel nothing but fear that one day he will say and someone will kick me to such an existence and then I will fall.
Fall to Soho and make the dance and then the dancing will begin and I will be ousted. No more that fiend just the woman who danced.
"People asked me what it mattered?"
"It matters to me."
I do not know what to speak about there is so many things to make do with. I am always ready to rally but think if there is such a thing as justice dad would be arrested and even executed.
"But he does not. He is still there having this and that. Choosing that and this."
He would play the part of lover and dad and then the stepdad and he is being an actor did it right. It confused me somewhat.
Sometimes the mind plays tricks inside the cage we live in because in order to live we must plant the seeds we did the right thing.
"But the good?"
"This is the good this is the right thing to happen civilisation."
"Where is the harm in him?" asked Julia.
"He gives money to charity he chairs a lot of these does Ramadan has tents all around the world. He feeds the poor."
She liked that it reminded her of her own family.
It is haram and harmful because all those idiots in the tents do not realise, they just gave him a justification for murders.
"But the price what is his price." I say and then say it many times. People have become blinded by times these times that we live in. Because a man does a lot for charity; he does not own souls.
"But he does."
"He is handsome he sings. He is a killer what else do you want?"
"He is my father."
"A minor detail."
"No, a major detail."
"Love is about honesty and not about lusting for the family."
"Go into a corner and sit down you will not amount to anything. The world is corrupt."
I had not eaten the whole day I was feeling sick I was feeling every word as if the words were minted onto my head. I felt sick.
"I forgot where you were?"
"In London in Plyland road and there sat in disgrace were the lot of us as if playing for the land filled with honey had made us rotten."
Dad was not playing if I lost then I lost. Would be like that woman who went round all over town asking for someone to listen how her dad seduced and impregnated her. Her mother took her around all the best houses until the girl was dumped by her mother and her fiancé at the same time.
How she hanged herself I did not understand because the chair was found somewhere in the kitchen. She had been found in the front room. She had a kid and could not find a job. She was penniless and while her mother married rich man and her father went away. She was left destitute to figure out that truth does not pay.
The same thing was about to happen to me. I thought I did not ask for dad as the man in my life. I just thoughtfully went pale as a ghost.
No one likes a failure it is a fact of life and Mum said I should scrub the floors it was her floors.
She said if she had candles, she would light them.
"No do not light candles you stupid cow." said someone. I forget if it was Fidel or someone most nasty. It must have been Z. She laughed out Z did and made me seek the thought that she was growing more wicked every day.
Fidel had gone for the night he had escaped.
"Where is my father?"
"He is not your dad. Call me dad." shouted the man without any clothes.
"Father no." It penetrated his drunkenness as I was on the ground before he seduced or raped me. I had been kicked and beaten by some wood. My bottom hurt. I had a couple of blisters. On me bottom. When the wood broke there was a moment of panic a moment of compassion. I did not cry I did not dare.
"Cry damn it."
"Tell her to cry out tell her to cry as this means she will kill me."
I said not meaning it, " I will not kill you dad."
"I will have justice one day."
Being a man who knew about such matters he did not believe me.
That night Z became a male Z. I did not see her being permanently damaged, but she had been. Z is a girl, but she said she would become both.
All day Zeks had thought the house would be purified and good because he would be cast out. I was just a castaway, and the home would be without arguments and such stuff.
She advised the siblings that I was the cause of the entire scene. She made life such a impossible world. Because when one is abused, the whole world is amused. The school said or the kids that I was already a whore because I slept with two men.
There was cups and saucers going wild as wife and mother sat it out. She did nothing to prevent it.
"Mother." I screamed.
"You call me mother now?"
"Yes."
"Then I will mate with your dad and happens we will have another baby."
"Okay."
She never got pregnant by dad.
She opened the bed and father flung himself towards her. I was on the floor tried to get out of the room. Then fell asleep on the floor. The toilet pot was in my way and I made it overflow. I was woken with this and did not want to sleep when I tried to hobble and went toward the room my room.
I did not know what to do so I tread as light as I could and spent some time trying to walk.
Eventually I went to my bed. Then found the sisters were in my bed. I went and slept on the chair. And that was mother's chair. She would be so cross it was expensive one.
No matter how many times one writes about the disastrous things they come back to speak to one with something of a difficulty.
The chair disappeared.
What is life but becoming less of a trash than when one means to. I felt the trash I was put on toilet duty I would empty pots and trash for the rest of my working life.
"No one loves you when are you leaving. We want you to leave." said Z she and B were forming a couple like relationship, and I was pestering them to stop.
They adopted me because there was money involved and now, they asked me to leave. I opened the front door and tried to, but the thing was the door was heavier than I thought. My strength was not enough to support me opening the front door.
The gust of snow meant it was stuck.
And almost always there is a laugh somewhere someone was laughing at us. It did not mean anything, but the laughter cascaded into jibes and jives.
I fled upstairs. I did not want to be homeless. I just wanted to be somewhere some place.
Zeks prepared the house the home for the night she said may it be our last one. She cleaned right down the stairs and then spent two minutes doing the saucepans. It took me usually four hours.
The thing was I was frightened.
I did not know who to call to. The phone was barred they said I needed coins and had run out of money. I just spent the day having terrors.
Until I became agitated and mean with the girls. I was about to say something to anyone who would listen when I realized the landlord knew. Everyone knew.
"There he did not even buy you flowers the florist must be out of business with a tycoon like that."
"Oh, the great man." said the landlord.
I spent time thinking what to do and did everything that Zeks asked me. I was being devious and it was obvious sucking up to her so I would not get raped.
"That's a good girl. And you will do as I say?"
"Most definitely."
I did not want a last night it meant there would be no tomorrow. No day light nothing anymore and then what did happen? My dad burnt Fidel's car, and he was so happy he went to sleep with Zeks.
"You made a fool of Mother, and I will see you punished." said Z and then she went to sleep.
Z was determined it was mine fault.
He showed his bum and then the social worker came the next morning and found the urine on the corner wanted to know if we were going to sleep forever?
