Sunflower

Tears stream down my cheeks, hot and relentless. I blink away the moisture in my eyes and look at the five textbooks open in a semi circle around me. All open on inserting a central line.

The words blend into the dimmed light forcing its way through a gap in my curtains, too illegible even if I squint.

There’s no point rereading them anyway.

Knowledge isn’t the issue.

My hands were shaking.

I had to step aside while the registrar did a procedure I’ve practiced dozens of times. No one at med school warned us just how unreliable muscle memory is when a patient actually breathes.

I grab my headphones and snap them over my ears as the TV screen glares across my room. My hands mold around the chilled controller, fingers twitching over every button.

Anticipation calms my blood long before the game loads up. Maybe it’s that raids give me no time to question why I couldn’t tell the difference between metaraminol and insulin today.

Maybe it’s because if someone dies, we try again.

Maybe it’s her.

Phoenix105.

She’s already online. Already in a full party with half our usuals. I groan when I scan the other open parties. I’ve played with most of them before. Knobheads who treat me like a joke. Low levels who think they know better than a girl.

Some days, I’d take on the challenge. Prove where dedication and time in this game has got me. Tonight is not one of them. Hasn’t been for months. Not since I rotated into A&E where my registrar can’t look at me without sighing. Not since one shitty comment from a stranger is likely to make me cry.

If it ever stops.

The controller bounces as it hits the duvet, landing on an open textbook with a light slap. My legs ache as I unfold them and stand from my bed, heading into the kitchen for something to eat.

I stare unfocussed at an empty fridge shelf, scraping peanut butter off the roof of my mouth with my tongue.

“Where the fuck are you?” Phoenix’s voice slams through my headphones and I jump, my spoon clattering across the tiles. “I’ve already kicked three people off to make room for you. I’m this close to losing my shit. If I get another arsehole who thinks fireballs are the strongest weapon against red dragons, I’m hunting you down.”

Heat blooms in my chest. Always does when Phoenix talks like she can’t do a raid without me. I snort through the tears and sprint back to my room. “On my way.”

I drop to the edge of the bed, peanut butter tub in my lap. I drum my thumbs over the controller buttons as the raid loads.

The noise hits me first. Voices I don’t recognise shout to be heard over one another along with the distinct roaring of a dragon.

“Oh, fuckballs.” I blink at the screen several times, spinning the camera once. “Three dragons?”

I sprint to the edge of the map, taking cover behind a sarcophagus as I assess. My hand gropes for the spoon that I left in the kitchen the moment Phoenix needed me.

We’re in some kind of underground tomb surrounded by rugged cliff edges. Limited space. Half the party are dead. The other half have split their resources between the three enemies. None of which are taking damage.

I clip the lid on the nut butter and roll it between my palms. “You thought you could lead this bunch of idiots into a raid with three dragons?”

Phoenix groans. “I haven’t led anyone anywhere. I joined this mess.” She’s running circles around a dragon, trying to throw a punch every time she gets close enough. Absolute waste of her healer monk.

“It’s a new secret raid.” That’s MarkNumberOne. Low HP. Currently launching every weapon he has at a dragon’s foot. “Loot is meant to be insane. People have been trying at it all day. I think there’s only been one or two successes.”

I clear my throat, pointing my tub at the screen like everyone is sitting beside me. “Alright. We tackle this one problem at a time. The same way we do with every-”

“We fucking tried.” Phoenix’s voice is distorted like she’s screaming at me through gritted teeth. “But the moment we target one, the other two wipe us out with one breath.”

I turn and open several of the graves in a row behind me. There’s a corpse in each one. Absolute jackpot. “Then we distract them-”

“Dragons are too smart to be distracted.”

Green sparks fire towards each corpse as I cast my spell. “Hammerhead-”

“Um. I’m dead. I think the dragons know that.”

“For fucks sake.” My voice is sharper than I intended it to be. “Will you all just shut up and listen to me?”

I’m met by silence as I watch the corpses stand from their graves. The continuing sound of metal against dragon scales whips through my headphones.

I drop six of my extra large healing potions I save for emergencies. Mark can owe me if his promise of insane loot falls through.

“Phoenix, you’re my healer. Get the fuck out of there, take these, and get everyone back on their feet.” I step out from behind the sarcophagus with my army of skeletons. “I’m going to distract the dragons. Then everyone needs to attack the red dragon only. HP is a third down already and this raid will get dramatically easier once that one is gone. It’s immune to fire. So use cold damage if you can. Next person I see throwing fire at it will be kicked out and miss out on insane loot. Got it?”

There’s a mumble of agreement. I hold my breath as I wait for someone to argue. No one does.

“I have tried so many fucking times to get us all on the same dragon.” Phoenix sounds fed up and my heart sinks. She’s ready to tap out. If she goes, I’ll spend the rest of my night pointlessly rereading those textbooks behind me.

“Yeah, but-” Mark’s pulled back to a sensible distance for an archer. His next arrow lands right in the dragon’s eye. “You don’t have that ‘one problem at a time’ speech Sunflower has perfected.”

Yes, I regret the gamertag. No, the system will not let me change it. I’m stuck with my favourite flower from when I was ten and the only game I touched was The Sims.

Phoenix hums. It’s a low cadence that buzzes over my skin every damn time. “There is something mesmerising about a necromancer called Sunflower.”

I might’ve argued if that comment hadn’t made my heart fire like a machine gun.

It takes a couple of minutes before I get all three dragons in my tail. I sigh a breath of relief, lips curving into a smile. Somewhere between the kitchen and now, my body forgot it wanted to spend the night crying.

I chew my lip as I try not to think about the cause of that change. “And Phoenix?”

She hums again.

“Please don’t die. We need you.” It’s a lie I’m letting myself believe. I don’t give a fuck about who she keeps alive. This is the biggest raid in this release and I want to make sure I get to share this win with her.