How to get him to fall in love

She told me I killed her that I let her die. And I believed her. It didn’t help that I remembered nothing from that day, or that I had no recollection of a hatred that could burn so deep within me that it could have possibly driven me to kill my twin sister. The not knowing what had happened was by far the worst, as with anything the not knowing of something means you have no idea what you are supposed to be apologetic for and what you are not.

’’What the hell is wrong with you?? You fucking psychopath-‘’

My mother had been drunk, she was hurt, wasn’t thinking clearly – I assured myself trying to put at bay the intrusive thoughts. It had been twelve years since she had uttered those words to me, twelve years since my sister Kate had died, twelve years since my mother had tried to take her own life and twelve years since I had seen my mother last until now

‘’She wants to see you’’ Tessa my adoptive mother had told me the week before

‘’Who?’’ I’d asked her dubiously

‘’Your mom’’ she had answered avoiding my gaze

‘’But I have a mom’’ I retorted looking her in the eye

She sighed, giving up, but I saw the tug at the corner of her lip

I knew this couldn’t be avoided, it seemed the things you specifically tried avoiding in life, were the very things that wanted to catch up to you twice as fast

‘’What does she want?’’ I groaned, slumping onto the sofa

There was a moment of silence, as if mom needed a moment to structure her sentences before they left her mouth

‘’just hear her out; if you don’t like what she says that’s okay, you don’t have to, you’re entitled to it. I just don’t want you to have regrets, or live with them. Regrets are permanent, your fears however are not’’

And that is precisely how I found myself at my biological mom’s home address, which pointed me to a little suburban home sat atop a field of grass that needed a serious trim, and window panes that needed dusting.

Stop looking for things to hate

I was told she was living at my grandparent’s house

I lifted my hand to knock on the door, sullenly willing my breath to resort to a normal pace. A woman with short brown hair opened the door; faint set lines framed her mouth as well as streaked her forehead, even not in use the lines were evident, lines left by smiles and frowns.

‘’Hi’’ I managed to get out

I didn’t need to introduce myself, the woman recognized me. I did have her eyes and the exact same shade hair as hers after all

‘’Hello Amber, come on inside’’ the woman said stepping aside for me to enter into the house. I followed her into the kitchen where she beckoned me to sit down at a little round table at the center of the kitchen

‘’Can I get you anything to drink, water, juice – ‘’ she looked to me nervously ‘’oh dear, how old are you now? Nineteen? twenty?’’

‘’Twenty two’’ I answered curtly

‘’Look at that, last time I saw you I was still heating up your chicken nuggets, now I could very well be offering you alcohol’’

‘’I don’t drink’’ I stated

‘’No, no of course not, how rude of me to presume, I just …..Let’s start over’’ she asked earnestly pulling the chair out across from me and setting herself down in it

What if I don’t want to start over? What if I can’t?

Instead I nod my head

‘’I know you’ve had a rough start –‘’

A start only? Wow what an understatement. I shift uncomfortably in my seat, she notices this, because she sits up straighter, and folds her hands neatly on the table in front of her as if she’s uncertain of what to do with her hands

‘’I don’t want to make it any harder for you than I can imagine it already has been, but I’ve spent a good amount of time thinking, and a lot of time regretting, and very little of that time actually making things right, and I want to make it right’’ she continues

I don’t say anything, I shut my lips tightly together not trusting what could possibly come out of my mouth

‘’I want to make it right with you’’ she adds after a moment

This time I don’t get away with saying nothing, because she watches me, waits for me to say something

‘’What exactly do you want from me?’’ I ask

The chair makes a scraping sound against the floor, as she shifts

‘’To get to know you Amber, to get to know my daughter, to get to know my family –‘’

‘’I have a family’’ I cut in, regretting the harshness of my voice the moment I looked at her face

’’yes of course you do, I don’t expect anything else, know that, and I’m truly grateful to Tessa and Greg for looking after my baby girl, I just want us to have this’’ she says gesturing between me and her

I find myself wondering a lot how things would have been a lot different if Kate were here

’’you might have a family, but you’re my only family, and that to me, means everything ’’

I didn’t want it to, but I felt my walls lower a tad bit

‘’my only child’’

And that brought the walls right back up again

What about Kate? Your favorite, the one that you wish were still here just so that you wish you didn’t have to be doing this with me. But I don’t say this, instead I sigh

I want to say no, I want to scream at her and tell her about how her actions affected me, how I needed years of therapy and healing, how the people that I considered my real parents had to heal a heart that they hadn’t broken.The only people that have really loved me, and despite me only being in their care from when I was ten, I decided I wanted to call them mom and dad, because a lot had been taken from me and those titles and who I chose to give them to was the only thing I had

My heart feels conflicted. It wants to hate her and scream at her but also let her fully in, and see if she’d hold up under the weight. I stay silent, Jillian senses my reluctance

‘’If I could go back and change things, I would, I would do things differently, and I wouldn’t do half of the things I have, I’m sorry for that, that I wasn’t a good mother to you –‘’ Jillian’s voice quivers and I dread what comes next, as I suspect I know exactly what comes next

Tears roll down her cheeks. I’m not tear-phobic, I just cry when I see others cry and I don’t want to, in this situation because then my mother will be under the impression that I still feel for her, and that I am capable of forgiving her, which I know I am, but I don’t want her to know that

‘’Can I think about, about all of this’’ I say quickly, as if the quickness of my delivery will miraculously dry up her tears

She nods slowly, dabbing at the corners of her eyes

I know I should say more, offer some sort of explanation

’’This has all been a lot, and I just need the time to process this’’

‘’yes of course, take your time’’ she sniffles

‘’We can exchange numbers in the meantime, in case you want to –‘’ I don’t let her finish

‘’I’ve spent most of my life without you, so much so that imagining a life where both of us co-exist seems foreign - ’’ I have pretty much convinced myself that I have no need for you in my life. ‘’I never imagined you’d ever enter my life again’’ she nods at this, I didn’t intend for it to be hurtful, but she seems hurt by it, yet I’m not bothered by her hurt, like I’m enjoying it. I hate how powerful I feel for hurting her, the way she flinches every time I address her as you instead of mom. I was raised to never use direct pronouns when speaking to elders, namely: you. Instead when speaking to adults I am to only use words like; aunt, uncle, sir, ma’am. This was one thing that my biological mother taught me that had actually still stuck. Tess and Greg weren’t strict on that sort of thing, but my mother was, me calling her by you pronouns was like continuous slaps in the face to her

‘’what I’m trying to say is, I can’t make any promises’’ I add after a second thought

‘’I understand Amber, and I won’t hold you to it’’

I hate her response, hate that she just accepts it, I came here with the intention of being cold towards her, just to hurt her a for my own twisted pleasure, to know that I was capable of hurting her, but that didn’t mean I didn’t want her to put up a fight, for her to tell me that what I had just said wasn’t good enough that she wants me in her life, needs me in her life

Instead I get a forlorn look and a shitty apology

‘’I was hurt for a long time –‘’ she begins, I don’t want her to finish, because I know where this goes as well, so I shake my head and hold up my hand ’’I’m not saying this because I’m upset with you and am trying to punish you or expect you to make it better, like I need you to wrap up my wounds and mother me-‘’

I see the unmistakable flinch, I continue

‘’I’m a grown woman now, and –‘’

‘’yes, yes’’ this time she interrupts me

I sigh, feeling more defeated than I have in the past few years

I slide my business card over the table to her, the business card with my personal contact details on

‘’text me’’ I say defeated