There Must Be Something Wrong WIth You

And Life Goes On

I felt I was now free and ready to begin anew. I had sold all my possessions except for

family photos, my car, my computer, my clothes and a very few personal items. I was

shedding my troubled past and heading forward with a new and honest outlook about Don

Tomlinson, the gay man. I don’t mean to create the impression that everything about my

life up to this point was troubled or unhappy. I had many good and wonderful memories in

my heart and mind about people, situations and places that had meant a lot to me and

brought joy to me. I always tended to remember those good memories all the time.

However, for a gay man who is hiding the fact that he is gay, everything in his life is filtered

through that one realization. It tends to color almost all one’s decisions, situations,

relationships, and puts a little tarnish or a lot of tarnish on them, depending on the time the

people and the situation. I was now trying to separate myself from the tarnish in my life.

Some of my memories I could completely clean of all the tarnish, like the births of my two

sons. Other memories would come clean of the tarnish half-way, but not completely, and

still others were beyond cleaning of any of the tarnish at all.

The joy now was that I could go forward with my life to make new memories in a

completely honest way and not have to deal with the hiding thing that had always loomed

above everything I had done in the past. There were still some issues that manifested

themselves after my turnaround. It is very difficult in life to make a 180- degree

turnaround and expect everything to now be like a Pollyanna land. Life doesn’t work that

way. It would have to evolve in stages, and even then, there would be rocky times ahead

that would have to be dealt with.

I began to notice that I was breaking out in hives very often. I was feeling anxious and my

skin seemed to be crawling most of the time. I could not sleep well at nights and would get

bad headaches. Sometimes I found myself trembling for no reason.

“What in the world is happening to me,” I asked my doctor when I went in for a visit to

check out these symptoms.

After a thorough examination and chat with me, my doctor said, “Don, you have PTSD.

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.”

“How in the world is that possible,” I asked her. “I thought I had rid myself of most of my

stress and that my life seems to be on a much better and healthier path now.”

She responded, “PTSD can have a delayed response. You have been through six very

traumatic situations in a one- year time span. That is more than most people experience in

a lifetime. Your body is just now showing signs of that stress. You dealt with an alcoholic

wife, you experienced her suicide, you planned and carried out two funerals for her, you

came out to your family and friends that you were gay, you sold your house and all your

possessions, you gave up your business and you started a new job, and helped plan a

wedding for your son. If those traumatic life events squeezed into a 12-month period

aren’t enough to create PTSD, then I don’t know what is!”

“Oh,” I said. “I had not really thought of that. I guess I have been through a lot of stress in a

short time, but I did not see it as stress at the time.”

“That is why it is called POST-traumatic stress,” she exclaimed! “Many times it takes

months or even years for this kind of stress to show itself as physical symptoms. Keeping

your homosexuality bottled up inside for 55 years added to that string of the traumatic

events in your life this past year, you can see why your body is now releasing all the stress

as hives, nerves, headaches and a general overall feeling of not being well!”

“The good thing,” she said, “is that we can treat it, and you’ll be fine. Sometimes, when a

patient with PTSD knows why he has it, it does a world of good in addition to medication.”

So, that was a relief, and now I could begin treating these symptoms and feeling good about

myself just knowing the cause, and that it was something I would soon be over.

I found a wonderful, small, furnished basement apartment in an old, Grove Park

neighborhood historic home at the end of a tiny dead-end street that had only three houses

on it. Jane and I had lived in a historic house only one block away, and this street had

always been a favorite of mine. It was like having a house deep in a thick forest. Trees and

green plants were everywhere. It was so very quiet, and yet only a few blocks from one of

the main roads into downtown.

The apartment was very quaint. It contained one large room with bed, dining area and

living area. A vanity and closet sat in a small alcove off the bedroom area. It had a small,

but well supplied, separate kitchen with hardwood floor, and a newly remodeled and

updated bathroom with a wonderful shower! That was it. Everything I needed fit right into

this quaint apartment. It had access to the owner’s part of the basement where there was

the laundry room and storage areas. Plus, the owner was a good friend of mine since 1984.

The monthly rental was extremely reasonable and included EVERYTHING, so I had no other

utilities to pay for. I have now been in this place I call home for 12 years and the rent has

never changed. I cannot imagine a better situation for me than this. My windows look out

over the Grove Park Inn golf course and a ridge of beautiful mountains. All I hear are birds

singing and occasionally a gentle rain. It is heaven to me.

My work at the Grove Park Inn Resort and Spa was exciting, challenging and fun all at the

same time. The Grove Park Inn, built in 1913 from huge stones and rock carved out of the

mountain above it, is on the National Registry of Historic Places. As a lover of history and

all things Asheville, I was honored and thrilled to be working there every day. It was like

each day was an adventure. I was in a fairy tale. The almost 1,000 employees were like a

small family, due in most part to the creative leadership of Craig Madison, President and

CEO of the Inn. I had known Craig since I went to my very first hotel Chamber of Commerce

meeting in Asheville in 1984. I loved him from the start. He was creative, energetic,

enthusiastic and charismatic. Craig was the Marketing Director in 1984 and had moved up

the ranks over the years to now be the first native Ashevillian to be the President and CEO

of the Grove Park Inn.

In addition to its wonderful and colorful history, Grove Park Inn was a perfect place for me

at this particular time in my life, because it had a very gay-friendly staff. Many of the

management team members as well as the employees were gay, and being around them,

working with them and socializing with them was a very affirming atmosphere for a newly

outed gay person.

I could write a whole separate book about my years at the Grove Park Inn, but one highlight

stands out in addition to the wonderful working atmosphere we had there. As Resort

Manager and Director of Hotel Security, I found myself right in the middle of assisting to

plan and implement two visits to the Inn by President Barack Obama. I met with United

States Secret Service personnel, presidential staff members and others through this

amazing process. Many of whom are still good friends to this day. Meeting the President

up close and personal was a thrill too, of course! I cannot begin to describe the experience

this was. It was a once-in-a-lifetime experience that very few people have the opportunity

to live through.

On each visit, I was tied to the Inn for at least two solid weeks. I could get no sleep from the

excitement and from always trying to be “on” for anything that might happen in a moment’s

notice. I was the “go between” between the Secret Service and the Hotel Security Team. If

the Secret Service needed our guys to assist with a move or with a change in the President’s

plans, they would call us for information on local routes in the hotel and other issues that

might be going on that could be of a potential danger to the President. I certainly gained a

whole new level of respect for our Secret Service folks and all the behind the scenes people

it takes to carry off such a visit by the President. I became a total Barack Obama fan, as I

had met him in the employee service hallways behind the Grand Ballroom of the Inn on

several occasions. He was most personable, humble and always so apologetic that he had

caused such a disruption in our daily hotel operation. The historic significance of being in

this place at this time in the nation’s history, with the first African-American President

made the whole experience that much more special for me. I now cherish my framed photo

of Obama and me that he autographed for me and the Presidential cufflinks he also signed

and gave me as a thank you gift.

Working at the Grove Park Inn also gave me several opportunities to treat my sons and

their families and friends to stays at the Inn, Spa treatments, golf games and lavish dinners

in one of the Inn’s many, great restaurants. On two different Christmas Holidays, I was able

to host our Tomlinson Family Christmas at the Inn to include my children and their

families, my parents, my sister and her husband and their two children and their families.

These were two of the happiest holidays I can recall. The Grove Park Inn is a really magical

place to be during the holidays, and everyone truly felt special just being there. The ladies

in our family especially liked the fact that they had to do no cooking or cleaning for the 3

days they were there! Our wonderful culinary staff at the Inn did all of the cooking for us,

and we were “living our Christmas dream in style!”

When Mr. and Mrs. Sammons of Dallas, Texas (the Inn’s owners since 1955) both passed

away, the Inn was sold. It was 2012, and I was asked to stay on with the new corporation

who had bought the Inn. I felt honored to have been asked to remain in my position.

However, after three months of dealing with what seemed thousands of corporate changes,

rules, regulations, a drawing down of our staff to the bare minimum among other things, I

realized that I was losing my enthusiasm and love of the work.

I knew from having managed hotels myself that it is never good to have an employee who is

not fully committed and happy to be on board making a dedicated difference to the

hospitality team. I also was aware that I was 62 years old at this time, and my usual ability

to adapt to change was not the same as I had been able to embrace in the past. Pondering

on these two things caused me to hand in my resignation, and I retired from my career on

May 31, 2012.

When I began my work at The Grove Park Inn, I was still trying to tie up some loose ends at

the cake business, as well as finish paying off some of Jane’s debts since her death. The

overwhelming amount of this debt was causing me much pain. I went to see a good friend

of mine who was a bankruptcy attorney in town. I asked his opinion about what I should

do after revealing to him everything I owed and my income. Bankruptcy was his answer. I

had been through this before, and was not looking forward to feeling the shame of it again.

I was able to file in a way that I could repay part of the debt each month for five years. This

made me feel better about it in the long run.

Needless to say, and I have stated it in this book before, finances have never been my

strong suit. I now had a set budget and a stable monthly income. It was not a big income.

In fact, I was now making about what I was making right out of college. But, I knew I could

stick to my budget, and I did. Now that I am retired, I have a small, fixed income. Social

Security is my only income now as I used my small 401-K years ago to pay off college debts

for my sons to go to school and to pay off some Cakes by Jane debts. I make a little extra

income now doing some hotel consulting for friends in Indianapolis, IN. Even though

having money does give one some peace of mind, I find that at this time in my life, I am a

very happy camper with the little that I have.

Once I retired, I thought here was a life change that I felt I could really enjoy, and I have. I

still live in the tiny basement apartment only a two-minute drive from the Grove Park Inn,

so I go there as often as I can just to enjoy a drink, a rocking chair by the lobby fire place,

the beautiful scenery, a nice meal, visit with old friends who are still working there, and to

give history tours to my personal friends visiting Asheville. It is still a part of my life, and of

all the places I have worked in my life, The Grove Park Inn will always be a part of my life,

because I love it so and I cherish the memories I have from working there.

Just a week after retiring, I began a three-day a week, part-time job in the box office at the

Flat Rock Playhouse, another of my most favorite places in the North Carolina mountains.

Theatre has always been my first love, and I have enjoyed attending musicals and plays at

the Flat Rock Playhouse since moving here in 1984. The Playhouse is a Regional Equity

Theatre, so the performances feature professional actors and theatre technicians from New

York, Los Angeles, Atlanta, Charlotte, Asheville, Flat Rock and everywhere all over the

world.

I was in a world I really loved and I began putting myself out in front of everyone working

in the theatre in any capacity. I wanted to learn about staging techniques, acting

techniques, scenic design, the paint shop, the carpenter shop where all the sets were built,

the music studio above the stage where all the musicals featured a live, but hidden

orchestra. I wanted to delve as much into finding out what all these wonderful and

talented people were doing, and I was flabbergasted at the millions of tiny, precise details

that go into seeing a show on the stage in its final form!

I gained a new love and respect for the people of the theatre! I already had a full

knowledge of the many details and training it took to run a top-notch hotel that the usual

hotel guest is not aware of when he walks in to a property. Now I was learning about the

tremendous training by very talented people who work in theatre in so many capacities.

The average audience member never ever realizes how much it takes to bring a show of

any kind to its final stage presence!! It really boggles the mind. I was thrilled to be

immersed into this new world that I had always wanted to be a part of. Finally, in my

retirement, I was in this world in a way that did not require any real accountability on my

part, or training. I was kind of on the fringes looking in, but the participants were more

than willing to let me get as close as possible to experience what they were doing, and I was

loving all of it.

The one thread that runs through my life, and I am sure most people’s lives, is the people

that I have met along the journey. Whether I was in the closet or not, and no matter where

I was working, it is the people that I met and their talent, their passion, their love, their

enthusiasm and their friendship toward me that I remember the most fondly. I worked at

The Flat Rock Playhouse on a part-time basis for three years, and still have many friends

from that experience whose careers I follow on Face Book, and who I get to visit in different

cities around the country where they might be performing. I never imagined that one day I

would go to New York and see four Broadway shows where I knew at least one or more

people in the cast. What a great experience for me in my retirement years to be able to do

this. It is now an annual thing for me to go to New York, stay in a friend’s apartment, and

attend a few Broadway shows where I know folks in the casts.

But, the great thing about living in Asheville, is that one doesn’t have to go to Broadway to

see the greatest talent on stage or to experience the greatest scenery and lighting talent in

the world either. Just like all other professions, there are wonderfully talented thespians

right here in my own backyard. I simply drive to two or three great theatres around here

and I can witness as good or better talent on our local scene than I can in New York. Not all

great theatre people want the hustle and bustle of the New York scene. They love the

mountains like I do, and they are fortunate enough to have local theatres here and people

here who support theatre where they can work their craft.

I began writing my memoirs about eight or nine years ago. I would write off and on

through the years. Sometimes I would go 6 months without writing anything. I would go in

and out of thinking why anyone would want to read about my life. I still think I am writing

this all down just for my own cathartic reasons or to leave behind a record for my family

after I die if they might be interested.

One day two years ago, I did share my first three chapters with an old fraternity brother of

mine after we had been chatting online about our college days and after I had told him

about my coming out story. He expressed an interest in reading what I had put down on

paper as he was retired from being in the publishing business in New York early in his

career. I had no problem emailing him the first three chapters I had written. One day

several weeks later, I got a message from him stating that he thought my writing deserved

to be seen by a publisher. It was his opinion that I might just have a good book in the

making! Frankly, I was very surprised. At his suggestion, I sent my three chapters to a

friend of his in New York along with a cover letter from my friend. I got so excited about

the prospect, that, true to my nature, I posted my first three chapters in an online blog

using the same title of the book. Then, I proceeded to post in my Face Book timeline that I

had a blog about my life entitled “There Must Be Something Wrong With You” if anyone

wanted to check it out. I did this without any concern for anyone else who might be

affected by some of the things I had written in those first chapters.

It was about a week later that I received a scathing, gut wrenching email from my sons and

their wives. They had read part of the first chapter of my online blog, which they deemed

hurtful to them. They felt I had betrayed their mother, betrayed their trust, and they had

decided that they needed to part ways with me. They were appalled to find out that I no

longer believed in Christianity. At their request, I was not to see my grandchildren or them

again and that if I was to write this book, they requested that their names not appear in it.

“Oh my God,” I thought! “What have I done now?” My heart sank to my stomach as I

realized how much I had unintentionally hurt the people I loved the most in my life! I just

could not put my mind around this at all and I immediately sent back an email asking them

to forgive me, but I could not deny who I was anymore and I could not sugar coat my truth

anymore either. Bottom line to this whole thing is that the damage had been done, and

nothing I could say or do at this point could take back the hurt I had inflicted on them. I

was devastated. I counselled with two of my closest friends and decided that what was

done was done. I had to live with it and I had to hope that one day, they would come

around. It has been a deep gash in my soul these past two years. It has caused me many

sleepless nights and moments of suicidal thoughts, but the hope is still there. The almost

40 years of love I have given to my children is still there, and I won’t give up on that. The

gash is still there, but it has slowly begun to heal over. It is a scar that will never heal

completely. I think back to that Thanksgiving in 2005 when a similar incident occurred and

I have to believe that all this is a misunderstanding rooted in my being gay. That I cannot

change. So, I have had to accept this as another unfortunate part of life. I still send

birthday cards, gifts and holiday cards to my children and grandchildren, because I love

them and always will. I just hope that one day they will come to realize it and we can be

together again.

As I mentioned in the Preface to this book, I have not used the names of my children, my

daughters-in-law or my grandchildren in the book at their request. I respect that request.

It is why you will only see me refer to “my sons” or “my younger son” or “my son’s wife,”

etc.

Now I spend my time reading books, mostly biographies and historic novels, writing,

checking with friends all over the world on Face Book, visiting friends within a good

driving distance and encouraging young people everywhere doing what they enjoy. Giving

encouragement to others is a gift that I enjoy giving. I like writing letters to CEOs of big and

small companies complimenting some employee who has shown great promise or done

even one small act of kindness to me at their business establishment. I also compliment

these young people in person when it happens. I love to see the surprised smiles on their

faces when I tell them about what a tremendous asset they are to their company to offer

such genuine, heartfelt service. This gives me joy and it is such an easy gift to give.

Because of my early interest in entrepreneurship, I enjoy encouraging young people

starting out in a small business. I remember how difficult it was when I tried to start and

run a small business, and I cannot image how much more difficult it is in today’s world.

Sharing a simple word of encouragement to these young entrepreneurs is my way of giving

back, even though neither of my two businesses could be considered successes for me.

They both ended in personal bankruptcy. But it is the courage they have to do something

on their own. It is the idea that they believe in themselves enough to step out into the void

and do their best to make it happen. Even if it fails as a business, the people they meet in

doing it, the life lessons they learn in the process, will affect them in a good way for the rest

of their lives.

As I write these very words, I think about my own business failures, and realize how bitter

and depressed I was for so long after each one. Here I am now giving some positive advice

to young people whose idea may not make it like mine did not. I surprise myself, and am

even taking heed of my own words as I am typing them right here in this very moment.

Typing out these “words of wisdom” to others has released something inside of me today

letting me know that I need to rid myself of the bitterness and personal anger about my

own failures. I have learned a lot from my failures, and I have met some very wonderful

life-long friends in the process who have helped me in many, many ways over the years.

So, life is a very intricate, unique mystery that can never be explained. It can be explored,

discussed, witnessed, loved or hated, but it is there. It is there to be experienced and the

one experiencing life is the one who makes it what it is. That is why I believe that life is not

lived in just one way. It is unique to each human being. Each individual has his or her

unique way of living life, viewing life, and making decisions based on his or her own

intricate and complicated relationships and experiences. Even though wisdom is imparted

and advice is given, none of us can rightfully see into another person’s life and judge what

we would do or tell them what they should do. We can share our lives, our experiences, our

thoughts and beliefs about OUR lives. It is then up to each individual to decide if what we

have to share or impart about our personal experience with life has any bearing at all on

their own life.

Too many times, especially in this “instant and throw away” world in which we now live,

people tend to see one decision, one comment, one mistake, one success in another’s life

and we use that one thing to completely define that person’s character or life’s purpose.

We jump to a conclusion. Life is not that simple. A life must be viewed as a whole. Each of

us is a fallible human being. We make mistakes we wish we could take back and “do over.”

We cannot do that as life keeps on moving forward. It is why we have forgiveness.

Forgiveness keeps the love in our hearts for both the forgiven and for the ones doing the

forgiving.

Throughout all of this, I did learn that there was something wrong, but I found out that it

wasn’t me there was something wrong with. I discovered that there was something wrong

with a society that creates a culture of fear for those who are different in some way. There

really wasn’t anything wrong with me, it was the culture in which I grew up that was

wrong.

Therefore, it is my hope (and I mention this in this book’s Preface) that the reader will not

pick out one or two chapters in this book and take that away as a full picture of Don

Tomlinson. I hope the reader will read all the chapters, the good and the bad, the

bitterness and the forgiveness, the anger and the love before trying to define my life. The

good thing is that my life is not over. I am still here, I am still learning, I am still loving,

forgiving, asking for forgiveness, encouraging others, falling down, failing and getting back

up. I keep trying to live my life the best way I can each day. I now know that is good

enough.