What is your opinion?
Wow
"This continued story from the first one is good but hard for me to say that under 18 could read this,please when writing a second or third story at the end direct location and name as i almost missed this one rate a really good read"
Interesting Premise
"Very, very few books succeed in mixing science and magic, and even then the balance is tilted heavily in one direction or other. DUNE is one. But then it's an award winning masterpiece that took the author a decade to write. The premise of your novel is refreshingly different. And I'm a fan of differentness. I haven't come across anything like it here and I think it can become quite good in its very different way. I get what you're trying to do and I think it can be wonderfully funny. That you're taking a brave gamble with this mix of genres (and it is a gamble and it is brave, and I applaud both) means taking that extra bit of time with it so it exactly represents your vision."
Interesting and engaging
"I only read the opening few pages but I was quite impressed. The premise for the story has been clearly constructed and is described quite early on. It's potentially funny, as well as allegorical, and I hope the stories go on to fulfil that promise. One thing: a 'pedophile' is not the victim; it's the perpetrator."
Review of Chapter One
"Overall, this is an okay start. Some of your descriptions are pretty original and nice to read. I also think you've done well in creating your own world. However, there are many grammatical errors so I would suggest going back and checking your punctuation, spelling and word arrangement. For example, you use the word 'fornicating' quite a lot and I'm wondering if that's the right word to use or if you're thinking of a different word. Also, you reveal a bit too much background detail about the protagonist. I would suggest altering that so that you can reveal a little at a time and keep the reader interested. Furthermore, there is quite a bit of telling and not showing, thus you should also try and correct this to keep the reader even more engaged. With this, I hope that you'll soon have a stronger first chapter."
Elliot Rodger in space
"It's probably a bad sign if the blurb gets an eyeroll. This has to win the award for the most spergy thing I've ever read on inkitt. I have no idea what you're going for with this but if you intended it to sound like a severely autistic alien wrote it, you nailed it haha. The first thing that hit me when I finished the first chapter was 'why is it even sci-fi or fantasy?' you're going for this mix of sci-fi fantasy which never works, it's just a mess when you blur science and magic, I mean what's the point? But fantasy/sci-fi settings are supposed to serve the story in some way, you could literally rewrite this and just set it on earth and make it a regular teen drama. Why would you make a teen drama sci-fi? Do one or the other. Because what really holds this story back and hits your straight out of the gates is all the exposition, there is way way too much exposition for a first chapter. I mean I might care about the world building if he was some mech pilot fighting god knows what on pluto but it's just about a kid who wants to get laid... in space. It really doesn't need to be sci-fi and it certainly doesn't need to be a blend of sci-fi or fantasy, just pick one or pick none. Show don't tell, if you have to reel off literal text book definitions of your world for world building it doesn't work. You can't drop a text book on your readers in the first chapter and expect them to be engaged because you renamed the moon "Blarglemunch7" it doesn't work. It has to be worked into the story somehow, it has to seem natural. The world building in the story basically amounts to using weird or made up words in exchange for normal ones and the only reason for the use of the sci-fi setting is to squeeze in the weird sexual morality politics. Just take all the weird word choices and made up words and exchange them for the normal ones and read it back. In terms of technical writing, it's kind of hard to read, big blocks of text and some really weak similes. I can't make heads or tails of this story, I can't tell whether or not it's trying to be funny. From the blurb and the subject matter I thought it would be kind of fun and light with lots of humour but it doesn't seem like it's trying to be funny. So all the sex stuff is delivered seriously which makes it really weird and cringey and seem like it was written by a school shooter. How is rape even a thing in this society where kids are having sex in school and no one can stop them? It doesn't make a lot of sense. I dunno what to do with this, maybe add some jokes, I don't see how anyone can take this seriously. It's like Tommy Wiseau tried to write a sci-fi book, so it's either comedy genius or it's something else entirely."
