A Thomas Pynchon in the rough

"Although your work shows good imagination and imagery, the sentence construction gets in the way of the story: Too many adverbs, adjectives, tense shifting, and unnecessary words. You wrote: "Dungeons and Dragons was the confirmation for me of this profound childhood meditation about good and evil." (17 words) Consider this approach: Dungeons and Dragons confirmed my profound childhood concern about good versus evil. (12 words)"