Letters to Xavier

Dear Xavier,

Do you remember back when we were in third grade? The day you saved me from my worst nightmare Gracy?

I didn’t know it then, but I lost a bit of my heart that day.

I don’t know how— but it just flew and attached itself to you.

And every time you did something sweet, you took my heart bit by bit.

We were young then, I barely understood what love meant. Sometimes, even today, I try to tell myself to forget. We barely knew, I was so young.

I tell myself that over and over again, but still, the heaviness in my heart stays.

Maybe it is because you were like the rain and, I, a naïve unprepared girl.

You stormed down on my life one day, and when it was over... there I was left. Stuck. Completely drenched.

Sometimes I think that maybe I should have told you, closed a bit of the door before you left.

& maybe someday I just might.

I’ll walk up to you, and say,

“Xavier, thank you for saving me when nobody else did. Thank you for having the courage to be my very first friend. Thank you for letting me experience my very first love.”

I am actually laughing right now, Xave, because I know ‘someday’ won’t come any day soon.

After all, it’s been years.

Years since you suddenly left.

No call. No note. No letter. No goodbyes.

It has been 7 years since you took the last bit of my heart.

And every year, in these 7 years — on every birthday when I’d blow the ever-increasing candle sticks, I’d wish for you to come back.

Today is my birthday.

7th, without you.

And Xavier,

I’ll wish for you.

Love,

Emily