Lost Human Foundation

“That’s your punishment for daring to pull off the principal’s wig,” she said, looking as if she were suppressing laughter that was about to burst any minute.

“Miss Summer, I know you think what I’d done was funny,” he said.

“And punishable too. Now get moving!”

Upon being instructed by his English teacher to clean the unused library, Sean moved his feet grudgingly towards Block D.

Reaching the entrance with a bucket of water and three threadbare cloths of different sizes, he pushed open the glass door with his empty hand. The corridor was empty and dark contrasting with the sunny autumn morning outside. His footsteps left marks on the dusty floor as he walked further in.

Passing by a row of lockers, he reached the glass doors which separated the library from the corridor. He pushed the door open, and his eyes fell on the ceiling-to-floor bookshelves, which were lining the walls.

His limbs functioning without conscious instruction, he walked aimlessly. When he came to his senses, he was crouching before the books on the lowest level; he removed one from the shelf.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

It was a book from a series he hated. He could not fathom why millions of people were in love with it. After all, it was just a stupid world with witches and wizards. Made-up. Fake. Non-existent. Pining for a world like that was not in alignment with his values.

He bent his neck to return the book to its original place. Instead of looking at the dark brown surface of the wooden shelf, however, he focused on a gleaming white light emerging from behind it. He widened his saucer-like eyes to confirm what he was seeing, but the light did not perish; it seemed to radiate even brighter.

Putting the book down on the dust-caked floor, he removed the remaining Harry Potter books. Although he was in favour of denying this illogical situation, curiosity took the better of him. He had this strange thought that maybe, just maybe, if he could fit himself through the small opening… He swallowed his heightened emotions. But how was he going to do it? As thick as the books were, they were definitely no match for his body. He put his hand through the light and fumbled around, wondering what it would feel like.

He did not have to fit himself to reach the beyond. The light blinded him as he was sucked into the other side of the bookcase.

★★★

She did not know how many times she’d greeted the morning sun since she’d gone. Everything about her was white as if a snowstorm had sped through, resetting all things. Suddenly, she wanted to see the horizon—something concrete, something apart from all the whiteness, something she’d gotten used to seeing every morning—and on a whim, she decided to get on the first train.

Amidst the morning mist, a thin, yellow light shined on the platform. The sky appeared to be fleeting.

She boarded the stationary train. Walking past the restaurant car, she slid open the door to an empty compartment and sat down. As the locomotive slowly dragged the train, she reflected on her past actions, and laughed at how she had desperately aimed for a future.

I will never think of your warmth again; it had presented me with thousands of feelings, which had pained me so. But I have now destroyed them, and they bother me not.

During the last few weeks, I had been alive even as I entrusted my body to powerlessness, barely restraining myself from changing every feeling left in me to hatred. I’d hung in there, had I?

Had you known how much I’d suffered? Had you known that there was nothing that could connect us, and even if there were, it’d be something like a sweet hope?

Outside, everything was still white, but she instinctively knew that she was getting closer to the horizon. She slipped lower into a reverie.

Fade out, my ugly scars—entwine with love and die away.

I used to think that if I could be wrapped in a gentle, timeless sleep, I’d wish for nothing else. I guess I’d known that it was always on the cusp of becoming reality, only that being with you slowed it down.

But I want you to know that if the day comes when you fall apart, I would tightly embrace every piece of you.

And in this place I’ve made, I will heal you.

Unforgettable memories of joy are infusing life.

–Life into the dead.

★★★

The train came to a halt. She clambered down to the platform and proceeded to make her way out of the uninhabited station which appeared to be from another time. When she’d gone through the front door, the fresh air blew at her face. The scenery stretched before her was nothing more than one-millionth of the new, yet-to-be-explored world.

“But in the end, we’re all bound to the same world,” she whispered.

★★★

The scene dissolved and he sensed a change in him. He was no longer the girl—he was himself again. It was when he was trying to comprehend the warped time frame he’d been catapulted into, when a figure popped out of nowhere. As the figure started to take on concrete shape, so did the immediate surroundings around him. His eyes fell to his bare feet: he was standing on a sandy beach. Gingerly placing one foot in front of the other, he realized that he could actually feel the sand beneath his skin. Turning his head around, he deduced that he was marooned on an island. The sea created soothing sounds. The pitch black sky was lit with stars. Knots of trees swayed softly along the wind. He was isolated from other human beings—perhaps the figure floating in the air before his eyes was a hallucination.

“Hello, Sean,” spoke the figure. “Do you recognize me?”

He stared blankly at the figure. It—she, to be exact—seemed to be around his age. Her hair fell in flowing ringlets over her small, narrow shoulders. She had eyes—blue ones—which looked so familiar, so nostalgic, but he couldn’t recall why there was a familiarity. The blues were staring into his green ones, and he averted his eyes to look at a wistful smile curving her lips. Only one person made that kind of smile.

“You’re Miss Summer,” he said, almost to himself.

“Yes,” replied Miss Summer. “What do you think of Lost Human Foundation?”

“This,” he said, pausing in disbelief, “is Lost Human Foundation?”

“Yes,” she repeated. “Lost Human Foundation. It is a world for all lost human beings. I am, in a sense, founder.”

“What do you mean by ‘lost human beings’?” he demanded. “And how the hell are you the founder of this?”

She looked like she was trying to think of something to say in answer to that. The black waves lulled; a chilly breeze seemed to emanate from the innermost of the nearby forest.

“You are lost, aren’t you?” she said, more of a statement than a question. “That is what you are: a lost human. You are but living dead. And that is why you are here in Lost Human Foundation. People who find themselves here forget about reality, but in exchange for this invaluable ability, they have to imagine. I assume you’ve already Moccasined?”

As much as he hated how he had to keep asking questions, he did so nonetheless.

“I expect you desire me to ask what you mean by the term ‘Moccasined’?”

“As usual, you’re right on mark,” noted Miss Summer. “Moccasins are a type of soft leather shoes. So by saying you’ve Moccasined, you have walked in someone else’s shoes. That is to say, during the period which you’ve Moccasined, you’ve been living someone else’s life.”

He tried recalling her life. It was like remembering a dream from childhood—he knew somewhere deep inside, that he could no longer get there. Her thoughts and emotions, however, still resided in him.

“Yes, I have,” he said. “But why?”

“It is your job to deduce the ending of that person’s life,” she explained. “You are to bring out the imagination that’s hiding somewhere in you, and use it to deduce, create, imagine a likely ending for the story.”

“But Miss Summer,” he started, “how am I supposed to do that? What if the ending I have in mind is completely different from the original? It—It’s as though I’m destroying the original path.”

Miss Summer laughed. “It’s like watching my old self. I used to have the exact same thought. But exploring the Lost Human Foundation has broadened my thoughts and instilled the power of imagination in me. I’m sure you’ll do all right.”

He merely stared at the child version of his English teacher, waiting for more explanation which she did not provide.

“You are enjoying this moment,” he said, “denying my enlightenment.”

“Ah, yes, you’re right,” answered Miss Summer, her eyes twinkling. “Things will get clearer as you move further on. It’s boring if you buy a workbook only to find the answers are all filled out, no?”

“I get what you mean. But before that,” he began, “tell me. When I asked you what you meant by ‘Moccasined’, you said, ‘As usual, you’re right on mark.’ Which implies that we had a similar conversation prior to this. But it is my first time here, so it could only mean that you know me – the me from reality.”

“Correct.”

“Who are you?”

“I refuse to answer that question. That is, for now.”

“So when can I—”

“When you are done with your duty,” she cut off.

The starry sky, the black water, the trees, the sand—they all dissolved, and before Sean knew it, a new scene was forming around him.

★★★

They had gone to the sea. It was summer time, when millions of stars flowered without a care in the sky.

“They try so hard to display their radiance, trying to let us know they exist before they disappear. I admire that simple, honest wish,” Luna said, gazing at the stars.

She kept mum as she listened to her words, admiring the beauty of speech which flowed out of Luna’s small lips. And what she’d said then instantly became another of her favourites. She did it so easily, without any effort. I suppose that is the beautiful outcome of reading and loving Shakespeare, she thought.

The both of them just stood stoically on the sandy beach, the waves crashing on their feet rhythmically.

They eventually returned to their hotel room. Bidding each other good night, they darkened the room and headed for their beds.

She and Luna had been friends since their first year of high school. For both, today was the first time travelling overseas with a friend. She knew her memories with Luna would eternally stay with her.

Being an insomniac these days, she opened her eyes from feigned sleep. She shifted to face the bed on her left, where Luna was asleep. She smiled.

She quietly rummaged through her suitcase and got out a piece of paper and pen. Despite remembering that the hotel always provided them, she made do with her possessions.

It is so hard to leave – until you leave. And then it is the easiest goddamned thing in the world.

~from Paper Towns by John Green

★★★

She drowned in a timeless sleep.

★★★

The scene changed. New surroundings seemed to invent themselves before his eyes. He was standing on the rooftop of a tall building overlooking a city. Thousands of boxes were stacked closely to one another before his eyes. City lights started flickering one by one as twilight came to an end. Miss Summer appeared in his view not long after.

“I’ll get straight to the point. The girl, who is a sophomore in university, committed suicide. The—”

“How so?” she interrupted.

“Well, I just kinda knew. I Moccasined her life, after all. Anyway, in the first—memory? Scene?—I’d been cast into, the girl has already died. The world she is in is like a world for dead people. You know, like the movie ‘Coco’, except that the people are living humans, not skeletons.

“She boards the train and starts reminiscing about her past life. And in a monologue, she starts babbling about stuff—like, she’ll heal that person in this place once she dies too. She actually has mixed feelings for that person, but the memories she’s had with her are infusing life into her. Ironic, I know.

“Then the train arrives at the station; when she goes out, there’s this scenery stretched before her. She thinks that what she’s seeing is nothing more than one-millionth of the new world.

“In the second memory, she has gone on a trip with her best friend Luna. She has harboured a massive jealously towards her, but at the same time, she loves her friend dearly. These two feelings have tormented her in every single way, especially up until this point. At last, she writes a quote from Paper Towns on a paper and kills herself. That’s it.”

The cars honked their horns in the city. An ambulance blared towards its destination, carrying a soon-to-be-dead body, its relatives, and agitated paramedics.

“I see,” said Miss Summer. “So what is the ending?”

He crept closer to her and whispered some words, to which she nodded solemnly.

“So now it’s your turn to speak, Miss Summer,” he said, smiling for the first time in days. “Do enlighten me.”

“I’d told you I was the founder of this place. Around the time I initially discovered the hideout door, I was lonely. I had friends, but I learned that I did not enjoy their company. I felt that I was wasting time with them. So when I discovered this place, I truly felt that I had finally found a place I belonged.”

“But this place,” he said, in disagreement with her, “isn’t real. I might be imagining this whole thing.”

“If you are, then that’s amazing. But I want you to keep this in mind: just because you’re imagining it doesn’t mean it’s not real. The imaginists keep the world alive.”

After contemplating her words for a while, he said, “I might not agree with you, but I’ll commit them to memory. At any rate, please continue.”

“Okay. When I adventured in the Lost Human Foundation, my voice, thoughts, and body were being preserved in it. Basically, you can say that there are two versions of me—one in the real world as an English teacher and one here, in this world, as an Au Pair for all lost humans, who are going through journeys.”

“Does that mean that the Miss Summer from the real world won’t know of all that has happened to me here?” he asked.

“She knows that you have come here, but nothing else besides. And for your information, I know all about her—that’s how I recognized you.”

Their conversation lapsed into silence; neither spoke. Sean walked around the rooftop in circles while the Au Pair hovered alongside him, a few inches off the ground. Each was accompanied by their own private thoughts. It was Sean who broke the silence.

“Miss Summer, am I allowed to visit here again? Even after I’ve left?” he asked.

“What do you think?”

“I’m the one asking the question,” he said, hastily adding, “teacher.”

“I can’t give an exact answer, but I believe it depends on how much you have been found.”

“Please stop puzzling me.”

“Sean, think. I have named this place ‘Lost Human Foundation’ for a good reason. I’ve already told you that it’s because lost human beings—lost souls—stumble across this place. However,” she continued, “there’s a second part to it. Enunciate them: Lost Human Foundation. Foundation. This place isn’t for people to lose themselves even more; its purpose is to ensure they reinvent themselves, lost bearing the meaning for found.

“Sean, I have always regarded you as a troublemaker in school, but beyond those tired and too-mature-for-a-child eyes, I perceived you as a lost human being. You’re only twelve years old, and yet you always seem to be over thinking. You have no friends, and yet you don’t seem to let it bother you. You always sleep in class, but when I contacted your parents to inform them about it, they told me that you go to bed at 10: 30 p.m. Sean, who are you?”

“‘But when it came right down to it, the skin of my wrist looked so white and defenseless, that I couldn’t do it. It was as if what I wanted to kill wasn’t in that skin or the thin blue pulse that jumped under my thumb, but somewhere else, deeper, more secret, and a whole lot harder to get at,’” he quoted.

She raised a small smile. “You’ve read The Bell Jar.”

“My favourite sentences. I was that person. I wanted to kill the disgusting, unsightly part that lurked somewhere inside. I hated myself. Miss Summer, I’m afraid I can’t tell you who I am, because I myself have been longing to reach the answer. Who am I? Am I really just one of the living dead?”

“I don’t know. But let me tell you this: learn how to embrace your lonely, tiring days. During such times, one must try his or her damnedest to tend to their inner self. Perhaps you could attain the answer if you do so.”

He did not know what to say. Old memories flashed before him, taunting him. Seeing them made tears drop relentlessly. He finally shed them. Rain fell.

★★★

Under the silver rain, he ran around like a child, screaming and shouting and laughing and crying. When he had regained consciousness, he found himself crouching on the dusty floor again, thousands of books towering over him.