Great voice!

"I really, really liked the first line! It really threw you into the story, which was amazing. However, I was a bit put off by the next few lines. I was confused about what was going on, and add to that the unknown names and characters that were introduced. I found myself needing to reread some lines to fully understand them. There were also some forgotten quotation marks and it's always a good idea to put direct speech on a line of its own - separate speech and action, so to say. That being said, you have a strong voice that carries through the chapter. The small technical issues that kept me from fully enjoying it can easily be remedied and you'll have a great story on your hand! Keep writing, and good luck in the competition!"