I really, really liked the first line! It really threw you into the story, which was amazing.
However, I was a bit put off by the next few lines. I was confused about what was going on, and add to that the unknown names and characters that were introduced. I found myself needing to reread some lines to fully understand them. There were also some forgotten quotation marks and it's always a good idea to put direct speech on a line of its own - separate speech and action, so to say.
That being said, you have a strong voice that carries through the chapter. The small technical issues that kept me from fully enjoying it can easily be remedied and you'll have a great story on your hand!
Keep writing, and good luck in the competition!
Great writing, but something missing
I'm going to start with a good thing: since this story, your writing has really developed for the better.
I think you had a tendency to brush over things that needed to be focused on more. Like when the little man is discovered, it seemed strange that Houndal would just accept his presence as something real -- much less accept his offer. It felt rushed to me, and that's my main point of criticism. That's the reason for the pull down to 3 stars in plot (I didn't want to take another from writing style because your style is actually really nice).
I couldn't see a deeper meaning to the story, other than, of course, stick to your end of the deal. But it was a very fun little story that I thoroughly enjoyed and which kept me interested throughout.
I loved the incorporation of traditional myths (I would've liked that you delved into the Narcissus stereotype more, but that's just me being in love with the Echo/Narcissus storyline) and the setting was really well done. Even though you never explained the bar, I could still *feel* it somehow. You were good at getting from one scene of interest to another. And, like last time, your grammar is near flawless!
Loved the writing style!!
Even though the plot was simple and relied heavily on pathos (which isn't necessarily a bad thing, I just don't tend to like those kinds of stories) the writing style swayed me. You have great technical skills, you start out in the middle of the scene, which is amazing for catching readers' attention. All in all, it's a great story and I would recommend it to anyone who is in the mood to have their heart broken :)Read the story now