Chapter 2
I lived through them as if they were the spokespeople for my life. They begot inside me their stormy lives and I ceased. I did not mean to be mean to myself I just could not live anymore.
They sucked the life out of me like vampires.
Mother said often that she owed everything to Abdul he gave her the invite to come to England. She then invited her unfortunate husband.
Fearfully looking all the time as if someone was coming for her. Coming for them both. They seemed to be in some whirlwind of thoughtless beastliness.
I was nothing to them. They thought me a caring woman who had been fostered to look out for them. I a foster child of course. Their empty eyes made me empty too.
"You will take care of us read our correspondence and aid me with all the work."
"They may go." Meaning my sisters. They left me alone to care for the lot.
I was on the defensive. At first it was a victory then they made a success of themselves.
She had a great deal of sympathy around the neighborhood and her neighbors were all saying she had a difficult life and time of it.
The trouble is everyone has a difficult life. As secret lives. Mother howled and bellowed so much. Her unhappiness was complex.
"I cannot take it anymore he is not my husband."
"A scribble. A signature does not make a marriage."
"You cost me these legs and the marriage was a cure for me."
"Mother?"
"Your fault all of it."
I did not know why they all blamed me it had nothing to do with me.
“It has everything to do with you.” She would say.
"Firstborn." She nodded. " cost me my leg," You know she's not even my own mum? My flesh and blood. I was sullen.
The thankless tasks continued.
“I did nothing.” I stayed put as if turned to stone.
“If you had slept with Abdul he would have forgotten about you by now?” Z said in something called cruel thought. Did she know that Abdul could possibly be my own dad?
She had always suspected everything was my fault.
“I sleep with Abdul? Are you all mad?” I add,
"He might be my dad."
“He may abuse me. My mother is a failure because of his jealousy. Pretends thoughts. They leave me. Because he left.
"I do not mind." I shrugged.
"We worked harder and managed. Daddy leaving us to deal with the bills okay with me."
"The only reason he returned was he ran out of money."
"We ran out of money before he did."
Mother looked so discomforted I did not persist.
“Whatever I say people correct,” I said despondently.
I was left alone too long and when I opened my mouth the sounds came as if someone was saying wrong twisted words. Silent movies had gone and taken the star element. No one asked me to speak anymore.
Silenced like a dumb animal.
Life continues. In the claustrophobic rooms and the atmosphere so stifling we got to sleep when not rowing.
Mother just sat down and down.
I am past caring. We have nothing and no protection because of the language barrier. As if we are banned from some of the world's delights.
Like Ant's mother would say they soldier on and on. She loved to watch them.
Left to themselves I realized humans are the worst types. Vamps steal and many people do not realize that their futures have been stolen from them.
I had no future the moment I ceased to work. I would have nothing to live for. I accepted this because I was still young.
We were stranded in sadness. Then a man would walk in and somehow mum would be terrified.
"But we owe him." She was sleeping with him. I thought who was this man? Oh, he was the real thing he was the deal. He her first.
"Nothing is rent-free. He is our landlord." Dad would say. No one knows.
Mother would go huff and puffing and then speak no more.
Rent-free and all the mouths to feed?
The children I kept thinking the children would be destitute. We were meant to stay six months and already it was past ten years.
They needed the café. We needed a roof over our heads. When the roof began to leak. As if someone had opened the floods. Buckets everywhere.
"Here have a parasol?"
"He landed on me on the earthquake and from then onwards we are together destiny is such a fire."
Mother's first sex session was when eight.
I wondered why.
Destiny.
"Do not upset her." Father would say with some jokey manner. " She is earning her keep for a change."
It was Thursday and we were shopping that day. So we took the trolley and left to cart the load. I always went with Dad as then he could carry more things from the cash and carry.
That day the shopping was particularly heavy and the conductor told us off. But we sat down. Dad was terrified the shopping would be lost. I did not allow that then we were on schedule.
"No more this type of shopping," said almost shouted the conductor.
I was surley.
What had got into him? I wondered the son of a bitch or something?
We arrived breathless and Dad said I was a good girl. I said okay do not go on. Went to do some homework.
Z asked to go next time.
I said to her be my guest.
She and B went and they enjoyed the whole thing liberally even bought stuff for themselves. They did it in some unkind jibes. Then Dad bought a car.
How anyone could have had such bad luck as her she did not know. The sisters said as if the whole thing was a act of will.
As I closed the front door Mother was laughing as she lay in her bed.
I made up my mind to leave home and continue with my own life. It appeared sudden like inside my mind.
"But it was wrong?"
"Very wrong and so what?"
"I did it anyway."
"What went wrong you were doing so well?"
"No the shopping was heavy the nightmares were coming and I had nothing to show for all the things that meant something to me."
"Nothing?"
"One cannot live on love."
"Why?"
"A penny is worthy recompense I was not being paid."
"You silly,"
"I was never that."
It is hilarious like being kids again. I stepped onto the paving stones. Left them to it. Everyone must have something, someone and do what they can to live to believe. But not in the paving stones?
No one noticed me nothing bad will happen to me. I am searching reaching out to some sort of life. A life worthy of me. I did not want to be in that shop being a dogsbody.
