What is your opinion?
Good start
"The plot of this is very enticing, dragging me in. I want to know so much more about the MC (also that blurb was the perfect level of sass). However, you're style requires some more work. Specifically, dialogue. While most of it is in the first person and thus in the MC's head that part is fine (other than some issues with punctuation), but when the characters are talking through text and voice there are issues. In its current form it feels clunky in its execution, not its content. I would suggest visiting some writing websites and seeing what they have to say on writing dialogue (I'm sorry I don't have any specific ones). To end on a positive note, this story has a lot of potential and with some housecleaning in the mechanical department it could be great! Good luck !"
Well, tis a start. but I like it
"Your story kind drags me in, but not alot, you gotta learn how to write dialougue, example: "Hey Jack, Pass me that pencil over there" Boris said as he held his hand out You gotta use the colon signs ""like this"" Since your first person(Not my thing, lemme try something)writer, you go with I and me, I am in her , you still have to follow that rule, 1 more before I go, make sure your paragraphs arent blocky, like its just text after text, make it text, maybe dialogue, then text or description. flesh out your story and spread everything out, dont reveal everything like example:as detective maury walks in, the 4 suspects stand clear, staring at him, "Well, johns the murder, arrest him" Maury said THE END Try to spereate them, try to understand what jcharmein was trying to say!! alright, see you later. Your faithful friend~Ruenigami P.s, hope you make more!!!"
