Riposte799

Hello, I am an aspiring writer specializing in fantasy and sci-fi stories, with a special emphasis on alien/nonhuman protagonists, transhumanism, and posthumanism. I appreciate any and all feedback.

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Damn

This was an amazing read, the imagery and descriptions were vivid enough place the reader directly in the MC's position. My only correction would be there was the occasionaly typo (like "stroke out at him" instead of "struck out at him." But beyond that not much, very good.

Btw, I totally agree with the limit on short stories here, very restricting.

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Interesting

So far I am enjoying this story. It seems like a good build up with the core characters, and while some may say that Rose is a bit too perfect I believe you've done a good job of showing that that is not the case. Your dialogue is smooth and good at capturing the natural feel of such interactions. However, my one criticism (and thus the lower score on writing style) is your use of a phone screenshot at the end of chapter 1. While I understand the idea, it interrupts the otherwise great flow of the story. I would suggest altering it so that there is a clear distinction between texts and speech (maybe italics or underlined). I look forward to future chapters!

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Wow

This was an amazing start! I love how the battle opened and, contrary to what most readers who expect, ends with such a loss. The cliffhanger makes me eager for more, I can't wait to see how this is developed, I wish you luck.

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A great start

So, I've read the first chapter of this, and I have to say I am intrigued. I like the concept as laid out in the blurb, and it was a smart move to to tip your hand in the first chapter (as many writers tend to do). The gaps in memory are interesting, and I am intrigued by the lack of information given. I will definitely be reading the rest of this.

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Wow

I really enjoy this story so far, you do a good job of quickly endearing us to the MC. You writing throughout is very descriptive and flowing, though sometimes it can take a second read through of a line to figure out who is speaking. Occasionally there is a grammar mistake, but they are relatively small and easy to fix. I look forward to see how this goes!

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Good start

The plot of this is very enticing, dragging me in. I want to know so much more about the MC (also that blurb was the perfect level of sass). However, you're style requires some more work. Specifically, dialogue. While most of it is in the first person and thus in the MC's head that part is fine (other than some issues with punctuation), but when the characters are talking through text and voice there are issues. In its current form it feels clunky in its execution, not its content. I would suggest visiting some writing websites and seeing what they have to say on writing dialogue (I'm sorry I don't have any specific ones).

To end on a positive note, this story has a lot of potential and with some housecleaning in the mechanical department it could be great! Good luck !

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Enjoyable

So, I very much enjoyed this story, particularly the opening prologue framed as someone talking to their child (very good considering the target audience). The writing is clean yet still expressive. My only complaint is that it can seem a tad rushed at times. Otherwise, this is a great thing you have going here.

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Review

You have written quite the story here. Each line carried the banal helplessness of their quarantine, set up well with a quickly relatable character. But it was at the email where this piece shone. Each line there was a gut punch, full of the emotion that was vacant in the previous lines. A great piece.

Now for advice. I believe that, while amazing, the final piece with the email could have benefited from a bit more attention on the first one (before Mark's). I believe that if emotion started to seep into her reactions there more than there was, it could make the "dam breaking" moment afterwards all the more emotional.

I wish you best of luck in your future projects,

Riposte

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Just...wow!

Reading this story so far (three chapters at the moment) it is an amazing read. The sisterly relationship is perfectly written, the MC is incredibly likable and the descriptions spring from the page. Great job! The only thing I will say is that in chapter 1 there are a few typos (such as one with the sister's name being "Very") but clean those up and its all good! I wish you the best of luck with this story!

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