Hell On Less Than $10 A Day

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Summary

Although death is very fashionable (all the kids are doing it), Jack and Tony wanted alternatives. They learn dealing with demons can be tricky. The results can force you to save your worst enemy. Jack wanted immortality. Jack is a jerk. The Cosmos realizes this and saves us all by sending him to Hell. The prize he sought is awarded to his rival Tony. Demon deals are tricky. Tony didn't read the fine print. His options are bad and worse. Worse being, to get out of oblivion, he has to rescue Jack from Hell. It won't be easy. First he has to care, then he has to do something. While knowing Jack is miserable is very comforting to Tony, his own demon destiny is worse. To save Jack he must make alliances with drunks and fearsome demons to help him cross the Styx. The prize is guarded by an adorable green-skirted menace. If he fails, he could end up in one of the less fashionable parts of Hell with poor shopping, bad take-out and bad TV. Jacks granddaughter meets Death and takes him to lunch. They hit it off and end up in the quest to save Jack as well. Everyone has a hell of a time in the process.

Status
Ongoing
Chapters
42
Rating
n/a
Age Rating
16+

Jack

Chapter 1 -

Jack

“Joe Swagman is dead,” the old man peered over the top of his newspaper at his granddaughter Linda. It startled her. He had been silent since she had arrived. His voice was a shrill cackle. She took a breath and held her chest. After a couple more inhales, she regained her composure. She returned to staring out the alcove window. Distant lighting silhouetted her against the rain-splattered window.

“I said, Joe Swagman is d…”

“I heard you… I suppose you’re thrilled.” She responded flatly.

The withered figure pointed to the article and tapped the page several times. He then raised an arm and gestured to a wall covered with pictures and more obituaries.

“I’ve outlived them all. Janet Gilmore died last week. Now it’s just Tony and me. When that bastard dies, I win.” Old man Jack giggled briefly, then broke into a coughing fit. Linda moved in closer to comfort him.

“Grandpa, you wasted your life on this delusion. I’m not going to play anymore.”

“Play! ... Have you stopped believing?” He sputtered as his voice dropped off.

“I never believed. I just didn’t argue with you. I can’t be happy for you. “

“This is important!” Jack squealed, half talking and half coughing the words out. “I am going to win. It’s just Tony and me now. I will get immortality... and Tony will go to hell where he belongs.”

Linda rolled her eyes. “Grandpa, Uncle Tony is like family. He’s the only person who ever visits you. I think you two fight so much because you really need each other. Why do you hate him so much?”

She got two of his pills out of a container next to Jack’s chair and gave them to him with a glass of water.

“He’s not your Uncle.” Jack popped a pill in his mouth and held it on his tongue while he talked. “Tony got me into this. Everything is his fault. I never asked him to come here. He does it to aggravate me. We were close once, but the pact changed everything. Since then, the only thing we have had in common is we both want the other to die. He wants to win, but only over my dead body.” He gave a weak crazy giggle.

Linda knew what was coming next. She closed her eyes and gritted her teeth... The Pact story.

The old man turned to her with wide jaundice eyes and spoke barely above a whisper. “We made a deal with evil forces... dark powers that could grant life everlasting...”

Linda sighed, “Please, I have heard this a thousand times, Grandpa.

“I’ve never told anyone the whole story. Not your Grandmother, not your mother... no one.” He looked around nervously even though he knew they were alone. “The moment is almost here. I can’t keep quiet about it any longer.”

“You’ve never been quiet about it. I know it by heart “

Undeterred, the old man continued. “It happened more than 70 years ago, back in High School. Tony found a book at a yard sale. It was filled with ancient spells and evocations.

The book was full of words and rituals to call forth angels and demons. I don’t think either of us believed it. It was just fun. We started a secret club. Lot’s of our friends joined, too. We were told we could conjure up demon lovers who would grant wishes in exchange for sex. Seemed like a pretty good deal to us at that age. Unfortunately, it never worked. In fact, not much ever happened until Tony got this idea of trying to conjure up Mephistopheles instead.”

“Mephistopheles, really!” Linda laughed, “How Faustian, Grandpa! We did dumb stuff like that when I was in High School. Dark rooms. Lots of candles and chanting. Now and then a candle would flicker or go out and everyone got the creeps... it’s just imagination.”

“Oh, is it?” Jack’s eyes went more vacant than usual. “Did you ever do this?” His voice was thin, but it cut though the air and set a chill in Linda’s soul. With each horrific word, the fireplace flared.

Merchants of Darkness,

A deal we plead, a plead for all,

We wager our bodies, our blood and soul.

The storm outside seemed to grow in intensity.

Neither rest, nor peace, nor contentment

Till we are granted our request,

What we do most desire.

Life everlasting!

The room grew cold and darkened. Although closed to the elements, a wind whipped Linda’s hair and blew loose items around the room. Jack’s voice was still clear above the din.

Only the last will be victorious,

One will feast and drain the goblet deep.

The others shall bear the price and forfeit.

We will dance and wildly leap,

And if thou grant’st the grace which I requir...

A vortex began to form in front of them. On the floor a fiery pentangle started to appear.

“HOLY CRAP, GRANDPA... STOP!” Linda placed her hands over the old man’s thin lips. This was new and it shook her to her very foundations of sanity. She had never believed in magic or superstitions, but a change of underwear was going to be required after this.

The frenzy began to subside. Linda stood a moment trying to make sense of what she just saw. “You really did it. I can’t believe it. Holy cow, Grandpa, what did you do?”

“I asked for immortality deary... we all did. Old Mephistopheles just laughed and said there were too many of us to grant everyone. But he made this deal... whoever was the last to survive could live forever. All the others would realize their own hells forever.”

“And if you lose... what happens then?” Linda held the old mans hand.

“I won’t. I’ve outlived everyone but Tony.” Jack wheezed like an old steam engine in bad need of repair.

“But suppose you die first. You aren’t that healthy... what is your fate?”

“I will have a hell that is designed for just me. It will consist of something I find horrible and it will last FOREVER!”

“Is that why you never go out? You never did anything with you life so you would outlive Uncle Tony?”

“Death has stalked us both for years. I’ve seen his shadows a million times and always managed to stay one step ahead. As I got older and couldn’t fend well, this house became my fortress. Nothing is going to get me before Tony. Nothing...” He cackled, “Any day now, I win.”

The excitement made Jack weak. He slumped in the chair and caught what little breath he could. The storm outside began to clear. The thunder grew more distant.

“Grandpa, I think I need to go”, Linda was shaken. “This is too much for me to handle.” She grabbed her raincoat and mucklucks and moved for the door. “You should see a doctor or a shrink or something... This is a terrible way to live.”

Linda opened the door. She turned to leave and was startled to find the way out blocked. A towering black figure stood just on the other side. He wore a dark robe with a deep hood. As her eyes searched for his face, she felt herself almost tumbling into an endless blackness. Linda gasped for air and looked away. When she gazed upon the apparition’s bony hand holding a scythe, Linda knew… it was Death.

The horrific angel was just as she had always imagined, tall, scary and sure... with two minor differences. Atop the hood he wore a paper hat with the words ” Upchucky Cheesus ” and carried a pizza box in his other hand.

Death too, was surprised. In a rumbling voice somewhere between a howl and thunder, he looked at her and said “Do you see me?”

She nodded feebly.

“Ah, a pure soul. I have not come for you.” The apparition turned away. “Anybody here order a double pepperoni with anchovies and eternal damnation?”

Linda gulped. Her mind retreated to the rear of her skull and cowered. A shiver ran through her. This guy was not going to be happy with just a dollar tip... she knew exactly what he was after.

“Please don’t hurt my Grandpa.” Large tears rolled down her face.

“His fate is only what he expects.”

The black figure floated towards Jack. Flames from the fireplace flared outward, then went out. The room grew dark and cold. All Linda could see was the long shadow of a scythe raised high in the air. She turned her head away as it plunged into the chair.

Linda wanted to cry, but no sound would come. She closed the door and ran for her car.

An instant later, she fell out of bed gasping.

In confusion, she sat upright and took a moment to orient herself. “WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?”

******************************

Well, Linda is confused. Was it a dream? More to come