Falling in love

I love f*cking you, - I put the emphasis on love and f*cking, I held his gaze, feeling all dizzy and happy at the same time.

I love f*cking you, - He had to present at a medical conference in North Carolina. He was bored and freezing and wanted me there. A miserably economy flight, a rental vehicle, and yellowed bed sheets in a cheap hotel. I was shipped like a package. He was greedy, I was in love, I had fun, I did not care.

I love f*cking you, - early cold morning, watching mountains through a dirty window of a local coffee shop, clutching a hot mug with frozen fingers. He was finishing breakfast, busy and focused on the stock charts in his iPhone.

- The room is booked till the end of this week. You can stay here if you like, - rainy day and foggy mountains, too cold for hiking, too wet for horseback riding. He had to leave for the airport, the cab was waiting. International flight, cancer conference in Zurich, wife and kids in California. – This is for groceries, gas, and shopping. Buy something warm, I do not want you sick, - I smiled as he was taking cash out of his wallet. I was about to return to the room and get some sleep on the bedlinen that still had his smell.

- Good luck with your pathology report. Switzerland is nice, you will like it, Greg.

I love f*cking you. – Every time he left, I never knew if he will ever be back. I learned to live here-and-now; this prevented me from redundant illusions and sufferings, this kept me going, this saved me from thinking too much.

- Bye Vixen, - he signed the bill after carefully studying it. He never tipped. He had no regard for people in general, and for servers in particular, - We have chemistry, I want to see you next week. Have a safe flight back home.

- Bye Greg. I love f*cking you.

- That does not sound romantic, but I love you anyways, - A quick kiss and a tight hug. He left. I kept smiling.

For the first time in eight long years I heard his I love you. I was neither surprised nor shocked leaving the coffee shop. I was not ready to hope or expect anything from him. I had no desire to create any illusions, all I wanted was to return to the hotel and get some sleep.