What is your opinion?
Only formatting issues
"The extra spacing between paragraphs in the first chapter should be fixed. Italicising thoughts or interenal dialogue is best, Paragraphs containing dialogue can be long when actions of the speaker break up their dialogue. But if it ends in narration and then the next person speaks, it's best to make a new paragraph. For example, the part beginning with "Domesticity" can be a new paragraph because the speakers then change. I also think in some place you use commas, you should use dashes. If you aren't sure how to use dashes, googling it will pull up advice. Everything else is fine. I like how you end chapters on an anticipatory note. It keeps readers interested."
A good beginning
"I always love reading about characters that are on a college campus, and I enjoyed the first two chapters you have posted. I liked the characters that you built and the idea of the girl being in love with her best friend. The writing was simple and well done; I only spotted a couple of errors. I'd like to see you do more with the main character, maybe by showing different aspects of her character, but it's still early. It's a very good beginning, and I would definitely read more. Well done! :D"
"At the End of the Caffeine Rainbow" Review
"Hey there! This story is coming along very well so far. It is well-written, and the ideas presented within are a fresh take on the "girl falls in love with her best friend" trope-- excellent work avoiding cliches! Your characters are quite charming, and their friendship dynamic is both sweet and humorous. Overall, I am enjoying this story so far. I have some of corrections I'd advise you to make (though most are stylistic suggestions and could be disregarded if you so choose). The first couple corrections deal with your comma use: In Chapter 2 Paragraph 8: "Domesticity was simple, we’d spent the last two weeks bonding over nonsense and badly cooked meals." This is a comma splice. It can be corrected simply by substituting a semicolon for the comma, as so: "Domesticity was simple; we’d spent the last two weeks bonding over nonsense and badly cooked meals." In Chapter 2 Paragraph 15: "My parents loved Drew. Maybe it was it accent, or his innocence, or his charm, they always looked forward to seeing him and constantly asked about him." Again, there is a comma splice between "charm" and "they". There are two ways I would recommend fixing this: "My parents loved Drew—maybe it was it accent, or his innocence, or his charm. They always looked forward to seeing him and constantly asked about him." or "My parents loved Drew. Maybe it was it accent, or his innocence, or his charm, but they always looked forward to seeing him, and constantly asked about him." In Chapter 2 Paragraph 16: "He had told me that his father would be happy to let me look through his literature collection which included first edition Robert Burns." You should use a comma between "collection" and "which", allowing the reader a quick rest during this sentence. "He had told me that his father would be happy to let me look through his literature collection, which included first edition Robert Burns." This next correction is purely stylistic. In Chapter 2 Paragraph 1: "My parents had left, tearfully, and I was alone." I would recommend rewording it, placing your adverb before your first subject.This allows the reader to clearly see which word is being modified by your adverb. "Tearfully, my parents had left, and I was alone." Writing it this way suggests that the parents are teary-eyed, not the way they are leaving (though honestly, either way works. This is merely my opinion). These next corrections deal with the use of dashes. Again, this is purely stylistic. I love using dashes in my writing as they add a little more drama. In Chapter 1 Paragraph 4: "My heart plummeted as I realised what he was trying to show me, not that I could make anything out on the blur that was his phone." Try it like this: "My heart plummeted as I realised what he was trying to show me—not that I could make anything out on the blur that was his phone." In Chapter 1 Paragraph 6: "He’d made his introductions, Andrew MacAllister, Journalism student, and had demanded that I back him up when he argued that coffee was the drink of the Gods." Being a dash lover, I'd substitute those commas for dashes. "He’d made his introductions—Andrew MacAllister, Journalism student—and had demanded that I back him up when he argued that coffee was the drink of the Gods." In Chapter 1 Paragraph 8: “You’d love her, Em- she’s so you, you know?” Here, you tried implementing the dash but didn't make it long enough, thus creating a hyphen instead. Try combining two hyphens to make a dash. “You’d love her, Em—she’s so you, you know?” In Chapter 2 Paragraph 15: "I laughed and sent them a photo of the Scottish flag he kept above his bed- you can never convert a highlander to an English supporter." Again, you used a hyphen instead of a dash. Fix as stated above. "I laughed and sent them a photo of the Scottish flag he kept above his bed—you can never convert a highlander to an English supporter." You are doing extremely well on your story so far! I hope my suggestions help you. Happy writing! --Rae W."
