Dare

Questions.Answers.Questions.Answers.

People are curious creatures, they want to know you, they want to eliminate you, they want to be you or they want to fuck you.

And believe me, the first reason is only there for you to use it as a cover for the others.

Your alternative motive.Your real intention.We know what it is but we just smile and shrug it off and you do the same for the other person.A silent agreement...

I was once again surrounded by glitter and all sorts of sparkling crap. One of those “soireés” my mum organised... Everything and everyone around me covered in glitter, screamed money and material status. Yet they sparkled without value or any sort of grace and they were impossible to get rid off...

It’s a lifetime sentence. I once found these events bearable. All thanks to my father he used to join me making sarcastic comments all night. He was my rock. He also hated everything and everyone pretentious. Now he is gone.Death is weird.

It’s horrible, the pain of losing a loved one. I was crushed. Yet I can’t shake myself from the feeling that he left all the earthly pain behind. I was relieved when he passed away...

Even though, I needed him beside me. But you see death is only tragic and painful for the ones who are left behind. So I never was able to react as expected to death because the concept of it was just a great dilemma. My dad also shared my opinion on this and only because of this I was able to avoid all of the judgemental stares in his funeral.

“Look at her! That heartless girl! She didn’t even shed a single tear!”

the old lady was too loud and suddenly too ashamed for the possibility of me hearing her. I of course don’t buy that.She does wants to be heard; secretly she wishes that. That’s how it is with people they want to see you breaking down, sad and weak. I guess this is one way -not to mention a pathetic one- to cope with their own pain and failures. I was too relieved to give a damn. I was setting my father free. I was going to cherish our memories instead of present and let him live along with me in my thoughts.

I snapped back into now with someone calling my name.

“Diana?“ I stared back at Cordelia. She was staring at me with a witty look.

“Sorry, Cordelia. I couldn’t quite catch that?“I asked for her to repeat again.

“I’m talking about how everyone is so jealous of your mum trapping William Hawthorne after all those years! That’s what I call a master plan B!”

I look at her like she is from another planet.

“What the hell?“I reply not even remotely aware that I’m breaking fucking “etiquette”.

She holds her perfectly french manicured hands to her mouth surprised.“Oh god! Don’t tell me you didn’t know! Everyone has been talking about this for a week now!! Mr Hawthorne was in Harry Winston this week! He is so going to purpose!“She was squeaking like mice. I held my hand to stop her.

“Okay, Cordelia. This must be just a rumour I’m sure my mum wouldn’t start dating someone only two months after my father’s death and even if she did she would have tol-”

She gasped and twirled her gold locks with her fingers acting she was ashamed.

“I thought you knew...I’m so sorry Diana! But look from the bright side you will be living with James Hawthorne! Everyone would kill to be you! Well you will be step siblings but still! He is drop dead gorgeous! Literally, everyone is sooo jea-“I cut her off with kind of a mean hand gesture but I was too shocked to care about Cordelia.

I started to walk into the crowd trying to spot my mum. There she stood surrounded by people but also the infamous William Hawthorne was right next to her holding her by the waist with a “friendly” manner. What the Fuck?

He helped us a lot considering about all of the inheritance arrangements the famous lawyer that he is, but the possibility of any other motive not even once crossed my mind yet it was standing right in front of me.

The way he laughed and talked to my mum it was in his gaze all along and she was holding his gaze with affection and giving back the absolute attention she was receiving from him.

So with that we can conclude that I’m not only stupid, I’m blind too.

I felt a rush of feelings coming onto me forming tears. I stepped back a couple of steps and then bumped into one of the waiters’ tray full of champagne glasses with my two left feet. The noise made everyone stare right back at me and still the very much in shock me found the time to add "dangerously clumsy" to my qualifications list.

Gasping when I made eye contact with my mum. Watching as realisation reflects in her eyes. Funny enough she looks guilty for a second but It might as well can be my imagination.I saw somewhere behind the group Cordelia was smirking back at me sipping her champagne with her glossy lips celebrating her little victory with a gleam in her eyes. That girl, she really is trying her luck...And then, there she goes raising her champagne glass to me.

That does it for me.

I turn back and leave the room running leaving everything burdensome behind. Leaving the deceived crying and sad girl behind. Feeling both weak and murderous.

I was running away from everything from myself everything around me so strange and maybe even too much...

Everything sparkled everything too polished gleaming and catching my eyes. They are all a constant reminder that I don’t belong in here. I heard my steps synchronise with my heart beating while I was running away .

I ran as far away as I can... the unnecessarily expensive dress I’m wearing burning my skin letting me know I’m exposed more than I feel comfortable of showing for everyone to know every curve and imperfection that I have...

I just needed to get away...

just needed a little peace...

I was mad. Mad of how sad I was. Mad that she lied to me.Mad that what they say is true. Like mother like daughter. I was a liar too.

I made up stories to people...I was a storyteller who have mastered bending the truth ages ago...

Was I even allowed to be mad?

I told I was traumatized by an unfaithful ex... I was cheated on, that I lost everything that I was wounded I only did that because I was so sick of people questioning or maybe I was too full of myself to admit that I was actually fucking scared or shy...God knows, I just needed a reason so I made up one...Pragmatic and easy.

People always ask questions that’s normal, it’s in our nature to be outrageously curious but people never answer questions with just the truth there is always something they hide or some filtering, I don’t care if what I’m saying is a fabricated truth. It simply makes them shut up and stop asking questions because they feel sorry for me and even superior sometimes...Knowing that they know a weakness of mine they start to pity even...

Well not that I need anyone’s pity don’t get me wrong I don’t need such thing even though it's one of the best way I don’t care I just want them to stop their questions so I lied every single time that I become so good at it.

I gave them all of my made-up soft points in a gold platter and protected myself.

I mean I’m not ashamed of it we are all liars little-lost souls try to perceive themselves as something better something sometime someone important, strong...

There is always an exaggeration or a little addition to the truth so to sum up to the fact that truth doesn’t exist it’s always tainted with at least a little bit of our imagination so yes I’m a fucking liar what a shock at least I own up to it frankly I don’t care what others think of me. So I give them an illusion. I don’t need them to know me I don’t need to know the true me for god’s sake I don’t even know myself that would be way too complicated thing way too troublesome scary there is no such thing as truth and only great liars with great morals can admit that. But what my mother did was a low blow. She used it’s not lying if you are not told anything about the situation card.

I looked up in the sky cursing everything that ever existed so I had to master in lying. But to be lied at was different and when it includes your dead father it was deadly serious.

My blood started to boil.

It was funny that I needed to be alone when I needed so desperately to be found. For a second I wanted it...With all my heart wishing it from every gleaming existence upon me, up in the sky...

Should be careful with your wishes though...If the doors of the heaven is open while you are wishing upon something some of them might just come true even with a jolly twist on top.

My little escape to the secret balcony for a little peace didn't lasted long I had company. I heard footsteps and not any footsteps someone with a great presence was coming in to invade my privacy when I was in no mood for company. I looked back to the door waiting in suspense and surprisingly a little angry to be caught at disadvantage. Like a stupid mouse in a trap desperately hugging the fucking cheese for moral support...

In such a vulnerable state, I close my eyes wishing that the owner of the footsteps would just decide to leave or stay in...with no intention of freezing their most possibly royal behaving non-royal arse.

What were the odds? But I was as unfortunate as always behind the curtains I detected someone's really tall figure approaching towards me behind the ivory curtains..I turned my back facing the other way wishing to be ignored...

I smelled mint and oud and other intoxicatingly blinding scents rushing to me letting me know that I have company.

I was not in the mood for talking or small talk, well I was not into the mood of talking of any sorts. At this state it was most possible to top my performance with the champagne glasses back inside by my foul mouth...

But then the steps stopped and I looked back.

Only to see him with his devilish handsome looks crashing through the air while he's stepping into my hiding spot...where I hide the ugliest version of me, where I came to stop pretending and take off my pretty mask with tears and he saw me.Raw, True and tainted.

And he made sure that I would be aware of it too. His eyes burned with acknowledgement for a second then he just smiled polite and distant.

“I didn't mean to disturb, I apologise”

a deep male voice said.Yet he didn't leave me to be...He just kept staring.

And he saw. He saw me vulnerable, wounded and weak. Shame came all over me and made me shed new tears for new reasons making my vision blurry, maybe to put my heart at ease for a couple of seconds.

But oh god, It’s too late now.

I'm so busted.