A Calling

“Nooo! Don’t leave me! Please! I can’t go on without you! What did I do wrong?!” She cries out through the vast emptiness of her life, within her dreams and thoughts throughout every day. Why didn’t you do something?! You could’ve warned them! You had one job and failed at that! What use are you to anyone?! She berates herself mentally over and over again.

That room, that sterile white plastic room void of life and joy haunts her every living moment. She tried so hard to run, she just wished to escape and hoped that none of what was about to pass would ever come true. She left and got herself as far as the last doors to the outside world, where she knew she’d finally be free, where she knew she’d be greeted by a refreshing crisp breeze of fresh air that would clear away this haunting nightmare. But she could not do it, she could not take that final step out through those doors. An unknown inner force pushed her back through the doors she had come, past the concerned bustling staff and other distressed patients, but she saw none of them, they didn’t even exist or register to her in that moment. Everything slowed, and that precise instant seemed to stretch for an eternity as she reached for the door handle, pushed open the heavy door and entered that suffocating but cold room. She found her parents seeking comfort in each other while speaking to the doctor, she strode up and stood at her sister’s side while she heard the worst possible decision being made without her. There was no turning back, nothing more could be done for her anymore. We all held her in our arms as the body we had known inside and out started to become pale and grey as her life faded from her. The room slowed again and became void of all sounds, pure eerie silence. Amberly was drawn to look towards the left of her, out the window and to watch the sun rise, winking above the horizon and spilling into the room, with her sister’s soul leaving at that very moment and travelling ‘beyond’ on these traces of sunlight. She no longer held any recognition towards the body that lie before her, never being spiritual before, she was surprised to just instinctively know that the sister she loved so much had already left her and her own body behind. This husk of hers left behind, that used to house her sister’s very essence and soul, seemed just as empty and foreign as she herself now felt. A small piece of her had departed with her sister as she left, her soulmate, on the rays of the sunrise that greeted her sister when she finally lost her long fight with illness in the end. The rising sun is full of pure power and light, it should signify new beginnings and the start of something wonderful, as well as the only glimpse a person can get of what beauty lies beyond this world. But now a sunrise is only a reminder of pain, of what she lost, of what was taken from her and of the one place she could not yet go.

Her life and heart have been shattered, the life she knew is now in a thousand pieces on the floor. The world itself has driven her to her knees and she believes that she’ll never go back to the way she used to be. Now she is lost, feels so very far away, she is truly and beautifully broken. She has been alone with a heavy heart and an empty hole inside her for a long time now from that very moment onwards, but she knows deep down that their story is far from over and her journey has just begun. A gentle whispering voice in her head is telling her to let her heart beat again, to let the shadows fall away, to say goodbye to where she has been and stand up tall to take the steps forward into where she is to go. Further persuasion for her to let this ultimate heartbreak and every scar from that moment onward only be a picture to remind her of how far she’s come.

Life so far has been so difficult for Amberly and her family, they have endured severe cruelties and overcome many challenges over the past 12 years. They have battled illness, abandonment and shame. They have faced abuse, ignorance, assumptions and loss. But thank goodness for small mercies, they still have each other, the only people they can truly relentlessly depend upon and trust. They have also managed to go from almost living on the street and living in sheltered housing for many years, left all alone by friends and family and given no help or support by anyone, to now finding a wonderful place to settle.