Session one
December the 1st, 2018
Doctor Remendra Kruff
Patient: 1089 Avery Parker
Age: 21
Location: ______
Session 1 of Fifteen:
"I remember the air being hot and heavy and the sky being so dark...I-I...Are we done here?" I clasp my hands.
"No. We are most certainly not Mrs. Parker." She snaps her book shut. The blue binding a testament to how I feel-or no, maybe it's how I used to feel. Is that right? Is that normal? Is blue a true feeling?
I don't know any more.
I want her to say something. Anything.
She waits.
Her hair is loose, the ends almost reaching her shoulder. Dark grey suit. Dark grey. I hate that color. It reminds me of dead mice in a hallway, the softness of a shirt I'll never see again.
Perhaps this is how he wishes to torment me. Perhaps this is how fragile minds finally snap.
It's been an hour. I won't break.
She's silent, watching for the next move.
The tilt of her glasses seems wrong. almost too perfect. Everything about her seems wrong. Everything about this situation is too perfect. Maybe I'm wrong.
"I want you to tell me why? Why you think this all happened?" Sharp cheekbones and symmetrical features, maybe she's one of them.
"Why?" I repeat. My eyes are stuck on her hands. The way they move, bend, how tightly they clutch onto that clipboard. A little more pressure and I bet it would snap-
"Avery." Her voice is stronger now, louder. I pause. I look up. Her face seems calm but she's frantic, I can tell. Her bodies tense, pupils are dilated. She's frantic, I can tell.
"Tell me what happened Avery." She speaks gently because she wants to peer into my very soul, I know she does. He did. They all did.
They want to know my secrets, my lies, the truth about fixing me. But I don't need fixing. You can't fix what was already fragmented in the first place.
"Why? Why burn the rabbit hole?" I laugh to myself hysterically. The image of a childhood book flashing before my eyes. I mean why? Why do anything?
Her mouth pinches and the pen in her hand twists to the left. He sent her in here to get answers and yet I won't give them. She isn't freaking out. Why isn't she freaking out? She's locked in a room with a crazy person. The small African violet seems to hold more response and its life is being spent on a coffee table.
Her fingers twitch as they move against the paper, almost as if she's been writing for too long.
"What about that first night? The night you saw it? Tell me about that Avery."
Silence. Tick, Tock, Tick. "Death was coming for me." I hold up a rose, a boy gave this to me once.
"What does death look like to you?" Brown eyes bore into mine. an image flashes before my eyes. No. No. Five years and they still won't leave me alone.
I stand up, my hands are shaking and the world turns off kilter. No. No. No. NoNoNoNooooooooooooooooooooooo!
I'm screaming and somehow my head ends up in my hands. I don't think anything in the world can make me stop.
"I didn't protect myself. I should have. I-I-I know I should have. He-He was going to-" I'm shaking and I don't know how to stop. I don't know how to stop. I don't know. There's nothing to hold on to.
"Shhh it's okay Avery. Breathe." She reaches over to take my hand in hers. The way her long fingers clasp mine. . . I want to wrench it from her grasp. Because she knows, they all know.
The rose falls from my hand and I realize that it was never really there. Chills creep their way up my back, leaving a violent shake in their wake. I think I might be sick.
She reaches agin this time clutching my arms, pulling me forward. I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't handle the feeling of another persons touch on skin. Not after last time.
"Leave me alone!" I scream, my body yanks back and I throw the vase of tulips sitting on the lamp table next to me. It's flower print pieces landing all over the oak desk halfway across the room. "I am not-not his lap dog and not you or anyone else is going to tell me what happened so stop asking me damn questions because I know! He can't hide from me anymore!" I hear the door open but it's too much. Much too much. I can't take it. I need to leave. Where's-
"Avery."
I think my heart stopped.
