Hush hush

We were all hushed and shut up as we were told the secrets and the scandals which were the modern Muslim family living in Britain and making out with this and that. Never make out that is bad if you do then the other members come and feed on you. Never say anything and never be out from the pack. That marks you as someone who is not in the pack which might destroy you and when you lag behind they come and feed on you. The modesty was such in there and I shouted inside my teenage brain when and why did they do that?

If a lamb is lame then the lion takes them and the herd moves on I seen it in nature films was a woman such as I like that? I watched over and over again what daddy meant what they all smiled at me for? I was bad at scholarships and did not get along in life.

Dad's mad genius which has taken the Muslim world by storm and he sent it to such a dizzying heights when he made it fashion perfect which has settled into the sought after prey. Hunt down the daughters who have gone astray and like smoke let them be ashes.

"So I should marry?"

"Marriage to such a thing yes of course but we ask for more."

I thought about university and then maybe taking a culinary class but he must have felt something else.

"Who when I don't love." I was not in love with anyone back then I do not know did not ask do not when does one not ask the state which one is in?

There is almost this sly dog atmosphere as if I been caught chasing the moon and I am almost with pride speaking when I catch the mood.

The folly of having nothing was such. I was a mere nothing a nobody what chance did I have? A mere nobody marries too I thought but the man seem to be saying to another nobodies. Life is a pent up cry for what one cannot have. When the cry is over there is nothing there but the wet sheets.

"We love you we best love you." say the cousins the family anyone and they are all chasing me as if I am nectar with nectar points. Free gas electricity and all that. Let us have the nectar added then the thing is? Nothing. Because no one does nectar points when in the house it is heaven for the shop keepers is it not?

When I went to sit in front of the mirror the image did not tell me nothing new I was dark haired and had a fat oval face large eyes and the image of a girl. I was shaken there must be more?

My youth they said was the most useful thing about me. I was that young then why did my kid sister seem to dislike the very image of herself in that guise because she on the game or something?

"Maid that is what she is." I was nothing of the sort.

I flopped in school in life there was nothing but broken dreams and I had no official work. I am a broken girl I am nobody. That is right come work for the café and we can make it right. You can study part time and catch up.

That was the job a part time job and I ended up working fourteen hours a day. How did I become a slave in that café? Well no one else wanted to work with them the parents were not much they were exacting and they disliked to pay. They thought they could take the money back and that is why they had me there. Money was money.

I was distraught because could not love again. I was nineteen going to twenty one and did not desire anyone had not for some time. That they were in the right in a religiously speaking manner but what a marriage would bring was sex and closeness and I preferred my own company and did not want anyone to please other than the ones I loved.

"Love is a barren bed." said dad in some heat and he left the whole thing in a glowering mood. I saw him go next door to fuck the neighbour a woman of some known past. Her keys were broken into and her gate was closed because she was shunned from working the game. Every whores nightmare she had let the disease in. A black door is like the closed money chain and she did not have any food indoors but tins.

"That we know them well?"

"That everyone welcomed them into their beds."

"Until they closed shop."

"That is enough."

"Her husband was a gay man and she loved men so what do you all care? Are you in her sheets when she saw herself the ghost with the disease?"

The customers did not destroy her the thing is she loved money and so did her daughter. Like mother like the progeny it is heaven for the punks. We are nothing to do with them when they moved in we tried to move out but the thing is they did not budge.

"Reformed characters."

What rites of misfortune did I come across when the going rate was marriage certificate which was meaningless? I have no one to turn to I weep and weep and there is nothing here for me. I will work and then they will be sorry I made a decision if I do not marry then I will work and study like the man at the career office said.

Can one image a washer washing hundreds of plates knives spoons and the other cutlery daily for the rest of the next twenty years?

I feared I just did not belong here there or anywhere. I not white I not dark I not rich and not really starving so this odd girl. I feared for the sake of my siblings and their off spring, I did not know why I felt this I had nothing to go on but that if I left the shop when I returned it would not be where it was. It would be under another name assumed ownership and all that.

I just felt this

We the underaged underdogs out for a howl and then what does it matter when the little we did the little we knew made no difficulties to anybody nor to the society we lived in because back then in the 1980's we lived in a enclosed area and the stink did not matter. Did not matter because there was a lot of perfumery going on and the high class persons of diction and refinement were too educated to note us. We are the bravery we are the class we do matter you lot are the litter born out of wedlock and dreaded by us all that we can be murdered in our beds by the scums who do our toilets.

We as the aging population popular back then because there was not such thing to sugar the sweetener and make everybody happy. The happiness came when they all took to the streets demanding equality and the rituals which are education inclusion and all that which are the nightmares of this rather dreaded country which does not want to seek us want us or endure us because we are the problem.

What did happen in the small homes in the closed behind doors as we leapt up and down jumping on our teenage beds because one of us could go to Paris and enjoy three whole days? Like the people in the school the slums had spoken the truth what did it mean to us back then when the only thing which made us were our woes?

Love declined in me for the foolish things which was us. The sisters who got on and did better than expected and one of us left behind to look out for the family house and home because the parents might give it away. Because he had enough of work and he work shy.

"This is what did happen?"

"Well I was the one with a sub educational needs with the IQ of about a 100. I had been tested and this was the result so had to stay and look out for the things which meant something to the family."

"Were you in control?"

"In control of what I was a teenager who had just been told I was a idiot."

"Do you always rock when distressed?" said the good psychologist.

"Yes I am afraid I do there is no other comfort."

The dumping ground for people with low IQ and a high virtue is somewhere in the work place where they can do no harm and earn just enough to make themselves able to share in the community. I was ably assisted and ably maintained in this role and did better than expected. When the world caved in and amiably tried to steal my lot. I had done the job lot and they tried to steal from my lot which unsettled me and made me think. Once I began to think I was unleashed to the world as this angry authority on abuse.

This is my bare bones of my story there was nothing much to say but to sit down and tell the world what it is likely not to be believed.

We the underdog who live in Britain with a British passport must now tell and share our experience of British hospitality. We died trying to share our stories. No nothing like Hitler British people do not like to be akin to that sort of thing. Although their way in the NHHS is like the Nazi gas chambers when the only thing that matters is the death by MRSA. Which is the equivalent of the showers which is very unsettling.

I am sorry we do not have that sort of thing. Try coming out of the doldrums. I am but the thing was went to the hospital and rather than coming back comforted I thought next time I would be neither raped or murdered.

We lived and worked in that part and did our bit in the taxing work but when we went to do something like leisure, we were deemed unfit. I am sorry to speak so bluntly there is too much of me inside these stories inside them the whole family have begun to stink. It is a wayward child they say I am in that child here there and everywhere they speak to me these past monsters. In the lasting days of the past when the sun used to shine all the time and we were busking in the limelight. In the days when we were so lost for words and made it worst there seemed to be a wind blowing a tidal wave which made us stick to each other as if we were bereft of the other dimensions to the world. Words were lost in anguished sighs as the devils in our family became the monsters who stained the virgins of ours. We were told murder will out and stepped out not at all. Here we go and there was nothing to give our husbands so the family made arrangements because then the violence would have happened, they had to protect their own.

There was not much to speak about other than to say what does it matter what they did to each other when that meant they did give us the wrong experience for life? We are the foolish we were the fooled and then we became the lawyers and the law breaks the white-collar crooks.

“We lived and earned and you did not.”

“You are a cleaner and a cook what does it do to me when I am near you but to make me look odd, I am a woman of some means,”

“It is absurd is it not when one does not sleep with one’s father, they give me out and speak ill about me.”

“The family is there and they need your blood.”

“My blood is contaminated.”

“With what?”

“Poisons and there are a viper inside me growing.”

“You must grovel to us.” says a half-sister.

I will do not worry there are ways she seems to be saying when we can lock you up and throw away the key there.