As We fall

"Saffy, wake up."

I sighed and barely opened my eyes. "I'll be up in an hour Nate, just let me sleep."

There was silence for long enough I almost was asleep again. "It can't wait, we need to talk."

I sighed and looked at him. "I didn't get but an hour to sit down yesterday and that wasn't even at once. Everyone of the kids had something or another and the youngest twins are sick so I didn't even get to rest with them. I had to work on a Shepard that just doesn't want to learn for two hours and got bit before my Search training class. This last hour is important."

He nodded. "That's what I wanted to talk to you about. We've been living together for nearly two years and before it was great but we haven't been together in two months since this started. I've tried, I told myself I could do this but I don't think I can anymore."

I sat up and looked into his eyes, I could see it in them, he was done. "You've given up on us, you're leaving aren't you?"

He let out a deep breath. "I thought about this for the last few weeks. I don't want to, I do love you, I just don't think I love you enough to stick this through." He shook his head. "That's not true, I do love you enough to do that, I just know if I stay I wouldn't be happy and neither would you. Right now those kids need to be your focus and I know if we keep going between our jobs and the kids our relationship will be the neglected. I want what's best for you and for them and that's not me. You knew from the start I wasn't sure I wanted kids and now you have ten of them. Saffy I just ain't ready to be a father to anyone."

I thought about it, I hurt, god it hurt though. I understood him though and I couldn't even hate him for it. "I love you too, you know that. You're right though, I can't give you what you deserve. Carrie and Micah are more important to me though. I've been where both of them are, Carrie living with the memories of almost being raped though for me it was worse and Micah killing a man. Both are living with too much on their shoulders." I paused as my voice broke. "Worst of all I live with knowing it's my fault, I gave them back to her, after dad died I was supposed to take them. I thought they'd be better in her care, what was I going to do to take care of a thirteen and twelve year old? How was I supposed to manage them while at college and with everything else that was happening? I thought it'd be best they be with their siblings, both half and full. I thought she'd changed, may actually care for them but she didn't, she hated them as much as me." with that I lost it and started crying.

He pulled me into his arms. "Safiya, it's not your fault, you couldn't have known." he pulled my chin up to look into my eyes. "I hate seeing you like this, I hate that I brought this on." he gave me a light kiss on the lips. "It's not you're fault, you're going to be great to those kids, they're going to have a great life. All that is thanks to you. You are the best person to everyone but yourself." his kissed my lips softly again before pulling me back to him.

I sighed and leaned into him and wrapped my arms around him. With my face buried in his neck I cried, I cried for those kids, for me, for us. I cried for who knows how long with my face tucked against him. Finally pulling in a deep breath I let it out and pulled myself together. I pulled back and looked into his eyes. "One last time?"

He looked at me a sad smile on his face and shook his head. "I don't want to make it harder when I leave for either one of us."

I leaned into him and kissed him deeply before pulling away. "It's already hard, losing you after years is hard. Give us this one last time, finish how we started. Love me one last time."

He rested his forehead against mine and let out a deep breath. "I'll always love you," he pulled back and kissed me before giving in and giving us one last time.

The morning was hectic. Nate left for work with the promise of coming back at lunch to pack his things and take them to his best friend's house. Only Micah and Carrie knew of this because Micah had a skip day at school and Carrie was doing online classes so they were both home when he left. All the other kids were at school while the little one were with their nanny so I could work so it would be something we talked about tonight. Luckily he agreed he'd still see the kids from time to time but he just wouldn't live here anymore so they weren't losing him, at least not completely. After the kids got off to school I had three training sessions back to back, one with the Demon Shepard and then two very sweet puppies. Now it was lunch time and my next session was a search and rescue dog I was training for the Search Group I ran that worked with the cops in the whole state of Georgia. I'd had to take a step back from it until two weeks ago when the oldest two decided to tell me I needed to get back to it to save other people since I raised two of the best SAR dogs in the state. So I also had to refresh my dogs as it had been three months since they'd gone out on a job.

The screen door opening pulled my mind from thoughts of the day so I turned around and seen Micah coming out. "It's Nate, he's getting his stuff."

I looked down at Duke my three year old solid black German Shepard and Roxanne or Roxy my two year old white and red Pitbull. "I'll leave him to it." I pulled out a cigarette and lit it. "It's not y'all's fault ya know?"

He walked over and sat next to me. "Yes it is, if we weren't here and you didn't suddenly become the mother of ten y'all would still be happy."

I took a drag off the cigarette then blew out the smoke slowly. "You're right, but you're wrong. "We've been together four years Micah. Took one and a half to admit we were an actual couple and not just two people who fucked. Another six months after that til he finally moved in and even then he still stayed at Caleb's house often enough for two months. We'd never talked about marriage or kids, wasn't even a thought for us. We were just biding time with each other. Yeah there was love between us but not the kind of love that lasts."

I took another drag off the cigarette. "Y'all coming just made it where we couldn't ignore it any longer. I'm glad he didn't make me pick between y'all because I'd of hurt him 'cause it's always gonna be you guys. I should have taken you and Carrie in three years ago when dad died and left me custody. It's my fault y'all have suffered."

He leaned into me. "You may be right about the first, I can't say but you're wrong about the last. If it wasn't Carrie and I paying the price it'd have been Kya and Ty or Tay, it would have been worse. We got to see what she was like and we wanted to go, we decided 'cause of them. Kya still gets to be the naive teen she is 'cause we were there, Kya won't know what it's like to have a man do what he put Carrie through. The twins will never know what it's like to have blood on their hands or what it's like to have lost themselves in a blind rage and take a man's life. I'll live every day knowing I saved Car from being raped and or Kya because I stopped it and knowing the boys will never feel what I feel knowing they had to do that. I know Car feels the same about Kya, she may have the demons but we're stronger, we can manage. It would have destroyed them. Give us time and we'll both be fine."

I looked over and up at my little brother and I felt the tears well in my eyes. "I hate that I wasn't there, I hate knowing I didn't save you."

He wrapped his arm around my shoulders and pulled me into him. "You did save us, if you hadn't welcomed into this house we'd all be in different homes. We wouldn't have a strong role model to show us how to be." he rested his head against mine. "If you hadn't came to the rescue I'd be sitting in a cell just like her for protecting Carrie and we both know it. I wouldn't be able to be finishing school in three months and in a year I wouldn't be becoming an officer. I owe everything to you Saf, you just don't know it."

We sat there for awhile just sitting together. We both were right, as usual. Life isn't always sunshine, sometimes it's a storm and it takes awhile to get to the rainbow after. Right now we were heading to the rainbow, it was just going to take some time. I never really thought I would be in the place where I'd have ten kids under my roof but it wasn't as bad as one would assume. The first couple weeks it was hell but after majority adjusted it was easy. The younger five didn't really know or understand why suddenly they were here. The three who were old enough to somewhat understand we tried to keep the worst of it away from because they lost both their parents and hadn't really been put through what the rest of us had. Mother had been different with them and they were their father's pride and joys so they didn't get and refused sometimes to understand that this was better for them. I knew it'd get to the point I'd have to sit them down and tell them but I was trying to put it off. Dylan was pushing it every day talking about how great his parents were and blaming Carrie and Micah for everything. It was only a matter of comments before I pulled him aside and had a talk with him.

Things would start looking up soon. Once I get through losing Nate and really learn how to do this thing on my own. I was lucky when it came to some things. For one the house was a literal mansion on about two hundred acres with thirteen bedrooms only nine being used right now and sixteen bathrooms. I also had more money than twenty people could ever use in a lifetime thanks to my dad and my own businesses, Micah, Carrie, Ty and Tay, and Kya also had more money to themselves then they could use in their lifetimes once they hit eighteen. The other kids would also be in similar states one their parent's money was cleared since I was splitting that among them for when they turned eighteen once it did. I never had to worry about money or a job, paying bills, none of those typical worries. I just had to worry about being there for the kids and getting everything managed which was a lot in itself. It wasn't easy going from a woman in a relationship with no kids to being basically a single mom to ten kids. Getting everyone where they needed to go for various sports and activities was a challenge until I got Micah a car and he started helping out with the three older kids. The other five were on me. Luckily I was able to hire a nanny for the two year old twins when I was working or when I had to do things but once I was done with my work day even if I had to drive the others around usually I let the nanny go and took care of them myself and even did some in between sessions. I was trying my hardest raising these kids on my own.

"I think I'll go check on Nate and see if he needs any help," Micah said pulling me from my thoughts by pulling away.

I nodded. "You do that, I gotta head back to the Dog House, my next client should be here any minute and it's going to be a long one."

He stood up and offered me his hand pulling me up. "We'll get through this."

I smiled a little. "We will, it's what Brices do."

I got up and walked the half acre to where the dog kennels and training park was set up. This was my dream. When I was younger I thought my place was becoming a vet but then I realized I didn't have the heart for the sad parts of that, I didn't have it in me to lose a persons pet or put it down. After talking to my dad and thinking it through I realized the best place for me was training dogs. I trained in basics but I also trained service dogs, police dogs, military dogs and search and rescue dogs. I was one of the few people who trained all dogs. It wasn't as common now for me to bring in my own puppies and train them in those fields and then sell them. Usually I trained dogs people already picked out because it meant I got to train them to that person which was just easier and an all around better way to do things in my opinion. I did sometimes take in rescues that the shelters around Georgia thought would make good dogs for me to train but those were special situations. I actually had one right now that I was working on, she was a eight week old Pitbull puppy that I named Lola had been left on the side of the road. She wasn't in the greatest shape when my best friend and vet got her but she still showed the things I look for in a puppy so she called me and now she's six months old and working towards being a great rescue dog. I just don't know if I'm going to place her with someone else or keep her for myself, she handles great with others it's just the fact that I've grown to love her and have to admit she is one of the best dogs I've ever handled.

Looking to the driveway in front of my training building I saw the car start to pull up. I walked out the front and motioned my dogs to sit. "Good dogs," I said before stepping around the building. I stood by the door waiting for the person and dog to get out. When they did I grinned, it was Tina my godmother my dad picked. She was basically my mother my whole life. Her dog Bruiser was a younger black Pitbull/lab mix at only nine months old. I actually picked him out for her when she said she wanted a dog, he's working towards is therapy certification so she can take him to hospitals and elderly homes. "Morning ma," I said with a smile. "What are you doing here?"

She smiled and motioned Bru to come to me. "Go ahead," at the command he came running to me but stopped when I held up my hand. "I just wanted to come by and see if you needed any help."

I greeted Bru with body rubs and a kiss to the snot. "Hey pretty boy, go see the others," I said pointing to my two. "Play," with that command they started chasing each other around. "Mags has the littlest ones today so I can get training done. I have one more session today but it's a two hour one with a SAR dog. I don't really need help but if you wanna play the damsel you can hike out and hide or you can head in and take over for Mags. I'm sure she would appreciate it."

"You know what, it's been awhile since I got rescued so I guess I'll take off."

I laughed. "The twins aren't sick anymore so it's safe to be around them."

She shook her head. "They're adorable but I'm too old to be chasing around two year olds."

I opened the door to the training building for her. "That's a lie you're not old at all."

She headed to her office and opened her door. She took out a ziplock and took her shoes off along with her socks then put a sock in the bag and zipped it. "I guess you're lucky I realized I forgot to do laundry last night and that was the last pair of socks I had. Swear my socks keep disappearing, I want to blame Ravenfor them. She takes mine when she runs out you know, which is all the damn time. So I wore these yesterday when I had to run out and then this morning so they're good and scented."

I chuckled. "That's why I'm glad she decided to stick with you instead of moving here, I'd never have clean clothes."

"She only did it cause she knew that. She may be twenty-six like you but she still is like a forgetful teenager. If she wasn't a genius I'd wonder how she got through college."

"Do you forget I was with her for four years of it? The others she struggled," I laughed. "There was that one time when I first started training dogs that she had an exam and wanted me to drive two hours to her to bring her food and a book she forgot at your house because she needed to study before the test. Of course you know I did my class then drove the two damn hours after sneaking into your house and raiding your fridge for left overs, took her the book and a pie."

"You were who took that pie?" she put her hands on her hips. "I blamed Martin for it, it caused a huge fight and we broke up."

I shrugged and smirked innocently. "To be fair Martin was shitty as hell. We kept telling you to leave him but you wouldn't listen. It just happened to work in our favor so we never told you."

She shook her head. "Y'all are trouble, always have been." The doorbell rang and she nodded towards it. "You get that and I'll slip my shoes and like back on. Give me about fifteen to get a head start."

"You got thirty, we let the dogs play for fifteen while we talk about plans. Then it's another little bit while we run the training course to practice commands. This one is still young," I said as I walked out.

Time to get to work.